The Audition

THE AUDITION (needed-3 actors)




Actor: walking in the studio, extremely nervous. Hi good morning thank you hello hi. a breath. Hi! How, uh, oh yea! How are you?



Auditor 1: We're doing well how-

Actor: Terrific. Well my name is (insert actor's name) and I will be performing a piece, sorry a monologue, a monologue from How the Grinch Stole Christmas: A Tale of the Forgotten Grinch of Who-ville who Searches for Happiness and Self-Satisfaction in the Depths of His Lost Soul, Void of the Christmas Spirit, The 2010 Revived Edition With a Positive Twist and Additional Comedic Flavor, Act 5 Scene 20, Character, Grinch.

Auditor 2: Okay, great. That's a new one. Please begin whenever you're ready.



Actor: Oh thanks wow that's very generous you don't have to say that!



Auditor 2: … no problem.

Actor: a pause. May I use this chair?



Auditor 1: Absolutely.

Actor: Aw awesome. Thanks! retrieves chair. sets it down next to him on its side.

Auditor 2: Would you like to sit? In it?



Actor: Oh no, that's all right, its more to help, set the scene, you know? Create a mood. Help me find my character in the room. Centralize the energy. Create boundaries. Obstacles. Tactics. Objective. Character choice. Act.



Auditor 1: Sure, whatever makes you feel most comfortable. Actually before you begin, did you bring a resume?

Actor: Oh sure! Oh gosh! Sorry, I left in the lobby, may I run and get it?



Auditor 1: Well, all right, but please be brief we have a sche…



the actor's run out of the room

Auditor 2: Nervous. Did you get to writing that title down?



Auditor 1: Yea. Hamlet.

the actor re-enters

Actor: Okay, here it is! Sorry I could only carry one with me.



the actor drags in an enormously long piece of paper and hands it to the auditors for his resume.

Auditor 2: Oh its fine. One's… plenty.



Auditor 1: Okay! So please begin whenever you're ready.



Actor: Saweeeeet! Thanks guys it's been great so far it really has. Really. It has.



The actor looks down. As he looks up, he appears to be thinking hard about something. After a brief pause, he angrily shoves the chair offstage.



Actor: Thank you. an obnoxiously large smile



Auditor 2: Different. Are there… words?



Actor: No actually. I wanted to give you something a little different so I choose to perform an internal monologue. You know, show you the thought process. Highlight the Obstacles. Tactics. Objective-



Auditor 1: Yes that's quite different, I've seen a lot in my day, but never an actor who didn't, speak, at an audition. Bold choice. Do you have anything else?

Actor: … anything, else?

Auditor 2: Yes just so we can get a sense of who you are a little more than… than that.

Actor:… we weren't told to prepare anything else…



Auditor 1: Its alright if you don't, we've got some things you could read-



Actor: But you didn't say you never said i read the sheet my agent told me you never ever said anything about, the actor notices the 2nd auditor writing something. Why are you writing.



Auditor 2: pausing. I was just-



Actor: no no that's never good that's never never good. writing is bad writings is very, very bad please I'll just, I'll go out and re-enter and begin it all again. please just please don't write something erase it erase it erase it!

Auditor 1: It doesn't mean anything we just-



Actor: Doesn't mean anything!? Thats what they want you to think. Really I can, I can change! I know i'm supposed to be here! Dreams do come true! Don't stop believing right?! GLEE. DOESN'T. LIE.



Auditor 2: Okay thanks we're running short on time but thanks for coming in.



Actor: … do i get a callback sheet.

Auditor 1: looks at auditor 2, then back at the actor. …Really. Thanks for coming. We feel we've seen enough to know how you might, fit, in the production. Or otherwise.

Actor: Oh, don't play with me. Do you know who I am? I am a platinum subscriber to backstage magazine. I read broadway world dot com. This is no unexperienced, portrayer of the art of living, that you're dealing with here. And that goes for you too Jane Austin. auditor 2 pauses from writing, drops the pencil on the floor. Just know this, this is not the last you'll be hearing from me. Oh no no no. I will. be on. THE Broadway. So start spreading the news. Actor, Exit, Stage Right. the actor points stage right, then realizes the door's on the other side of the room, and exits stage left.