Shopaholics Anonymous

FADE IN:

INT. Room with four chairs in a circular formation. AA meeting style.

There are 2 girls already seated and one is just walking in. One girl that is seated holds a notepad and pen and appears to be the discussion leader. The other girl is casually on flipping through a fashion magazine obviously uninterested. The girl entering the scene is loud and chatting on her phone.

DISCUSSION LEADER

Okay it is exactly eleven o’clock everyone, so please be seated. This is our first Shopaholics anonymous meeting and I would like everyone to be comfortable and acquainted.

(DISCUSSION LEADER gestures to empty chair in circle and looks at the LATE AND LOUD GIRL)

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

Omigod omigod you won’t believe it but this lady is yelling at me. I mean not only does she need some new clothes but a new attitude. Nobody talks like that to me, okay... okay love. ttyl I gotta deal with this.

(hangs up phone dramatically and shoots a death glare at DISCUSSION LEADER)

DISCUSSION LEADER

I am very sorry ma’am, but as far as I remember I was never yelling. If my “attitude” (air quotes) is a problem, you can leave and talk to your friend elsewhere.

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

That was not my friend...get your facts right missy.

(says this with attitude)

DISCUSSION LEADER

She wasn’t your friend? Then who was she?

(with a surprised and confused look upon her face)

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

She was the manager of Saks Fifth Avenue, she was just informing me that because of my loyalty as a customer I was going to be given complimentary shipping with my next in-store purchase.

(says this in a snotty way; bragging)

DISCUSSION LEADER

(gapes at LATE AND LOUD GIRL, and expresses the “Are you stupid?” look)

MAGAZINE GIRL

(starts crying)

DISCUSSION LEADER

Are you alright Miss?

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

It’s okay don’t worry about her it’s probably just PTSD.

(acts as if bored, not interested in MAGAZINE GIRL crying)

MAGAZINE GIRL

(stops crying for a moment)

Do you even know what PTSD is?

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

Of course, do you think I’m dumb? It means that you’re in awe of a Perfect Talented Shopping Diva.

(says this in a proud manner)

MAGAZINE GIRL

Wow, you aren’t dumb at all.........

(very saracastically)

I was upset for you because Rebecca Bloomwood, the manager at Saks said the same thing to me. And I fell for it until I found out it was a scam.

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

What?... A scam??? But I talked to her for a full 5 minutes..... we..we were almost friends.

(very upset with this news and seems shocked. Stutters toward end)

DISCUSSION LEADER

Ladies, this is a perfect segway to the topic of consumerism and how it affects our lives. And to your pleasant surprise ladies, if a store offered complimentary shipping with an in-store purchase, then logically speaking there is no shipping so there is no promotion. Understand?

(MAGAZINE GIRL and LATE AND LOUD GIRL are in awe)

MAGAZINE GIRL and LOUD GIRL

(same time) You speak shop?

(both start screeching and screaming and ask the DISCUSSION LEADER for more advice and tips)

DISCUSSION LEADER

I don’t believe you are capturing the bigger picture of my logic. And yes, I once was a shopah.....

(is cut off by a random girl who walks in)

RANDOM GIRL

Sorry I’m late darlings but my mother always told me to be “fashionably late so you can leave early” plus I was busy ordering the now sold-out Sardegna wedge pump in Monogram Vernis.

DISCUSSION LEADER and MAGAZINE GIRL and LATE AND LOUD GIRL

You speak Louis?