There’s an App for that

i, I’m an Apple employee, and I’m here to explain to the benefits of Apple technology. Like all of you out there, things come up, but I can assure you, there’s an app for that.

For all those babies out there watching, have you ever been crawling around, or laying still, whatever it is you do and needed something to chew on? I get it, you’re getting new teeth and those new suckers hurt like a bitch. But there’s an app for that. Try the magical “Teething Ring” app that offers a chilled chew toy for babies. Or maybe you need to pee and find your diaper to be the best receptacle for your waste. Its cool, I get it, I wish I could still get away with that shit. Try the “Poof Your Shit” app and all will be gone from your diaper in a flash. Just like new!

For all those kids out there, have you ever wanted something but your parents said no? Try our “My Parents are Uptight, Stupid, Apathetic People Who Ignore My Wants.” With this app, you too can live like f-ing Miley Cyrus who has more money than god and spends it on stripper clothes and hair extensions. No need to worry though, the app does not come with any side effects or result in any annoying accent changes or new parents.

For those college kids out there, do you ever drunk dial people? Well there’s an app for that! Spare your mom the news of you’re wasted activities and get the “I’m So Drunk I’m Going to Say Whatever the Fuck I Want” app that locks your phone automatically and prevents any offensive stuff from leaking out…well leaking out from that end of your body.

And for adults, you get it best. Have you ever thought man, my life is boring. I hate my job, my life sucks. Well, there’s an app for that! Just download the “Makeover My Life” app and you’ll get a new job, a new car, a new house, a new spouse, and best of all, an all expenses paid trip to Anguilla!

For the older people out there, we haven’t forgotten you! Even though technology can be out of your league, we still keep you in mind. Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, Wow I’m old! Well, if you have, there’s an app for that! Just download the “I Still Think I’m 20” app and you’ll get a facelift, and a brainwash to keep things moving and working in that dusty head up there. Forgetfulness no more!