If I Only Had a Brain

There are two chairs set up next to each other, positioned so that the two actors are sitting slightly turned in towards each other. There is a well-dressed girl sitting with a man who is wearing a giant blond wig. And yes, this is based off of the Wizard of Oz and thus the songs would follow that famous rhythm.

Well-dressed girl: Gay boys are so amusing! (the syllables are drawn out and she trails off)

Blond wig boy: …That we are…(Contemptuous glare that the girl fails to notice)

Well-dressed girl: I think I might only be attracted to gay men. They just dress better and they are so much prettier! (head turned away, then turned back to boy) You are such a good accessory! (A girl with a spiky bracelet walks in.) Look at that! (Well dressed girl leans in and whispers loudly) Why do lesbians look so angry all the time?

Blonde wig boy: (Shoves well-dressed girl off of her chair and stands up, and begins to sing) I could wile away the hours, conferrin’ with this flower (points thumb offhandedly towards well-dressed girl who has hoisted her arms onto her chair and is watching), consultin’ with the rain, and my head I’d be scratchin’, while my thoughts were busy hatchin’, if I only had a – brain! (Emphasis on “brain.” Lesbian comes up and starts to sing)

Lesbian: I’d be tender, I’d be gentle, and awful sentimental, regarding love and art, I’d be friends with the sparrows, and the boy that shoots the arrows, if I only had a – heart! (again, emphasis on the last word. Well-dressed girl has gotten up, lesbian runs over and punches her, and knocks her down lesbian rejoins blonde wig boy in front of the two chairs.) Just to register emotion, jealousy, and devotion, that I could be a human!

Blonde wig boy: I would not just be a nuffin’, my head all full of stuffin’.

Lesbian: If I only had a heart! (Blond wig boy simultaneously sings)

Blonde wig boy: If I only had a brain!