The Alphabet Game

Note: some props must be prepared in advance. There's also one actor, one actress, and one player whose gender doesn't matter.

Script follows. Black text indicates person A (male, because of the use of the word man), red text indicates person B (female, same reason), blue text indicates person C (can be male or female). Italics denote stage notes.

Set-up: on a table, place an apple, an inflated balloon with an M&M inside, and a candy cane.

Person A enters, and walks to table.

Apple. Holds up apple.

Balloon. Holds up inflated balloon.

Candy. Holds up candy cane.

Death. Pops balloon with candy cane, ideally making a fairly loud pop.

Expel. Throws popped balloon aside.

Food. Looks at candy cane. Takes bite out of candy cane. Looks at apple.

Green. Picks up apple again

Healthy. Looks apple over

Idiotic. Throws apple away. Person B enters stage, and walks to where the apple is.

Jealousy. Picks up apple. Looks at apple. Looks at person A with contempt, because he threw away good food.

Knife. Takes out knife. Person A doesn't see person B, at first, then notices them but doesn't notice the knife.

Life. Pauses briefly, then starts walking towards person B

Man. Pauses briefly, then walks towards person A holding knife in plain sight

No! Slowly backs away, thinking person B is attacking for some unknown reason

Observe. Takes knife, cuts apple in half. Person A watches, slightly afraid.

Perfect. Offers person A half the apple.

Quaint. Appears nonchalant.

Really? Appears slightly surprised.

Sure. Gives person A apple.

Thanks… Takes apple, but appears apprehensive (doesn't want to eat it)

Um… Awkwardly stands in place for a second or two.

Very… Acts nervous for no reason whatsoever. Pauses for another second or two.

Well… person C, who has been standing on the side the whole time, says very loudly:

Xylophone.

Yeah… Continues staring at apple. Cautiously takes small bite

…Zingy. End scene.

List of necessary props:

Apple (must be green and edible/real), balloon (must be inflated), candy cane, knife that can cut through an apple.

Notes:

Stage notes are intended to be executed simultaneously with the word said next to them (for example, person A should hold up the apple WHILE saying apple, NOT hold up the apple and THEN say apple) unless a pause is indicated (after life and man for example). The word "xylophone" is meant to be a non sequitur. It is kind of a cop-out for the letter x, but it still should be funny. The play is meant to be humorous by virtue of its absurdity. The play (and name) are inspired by the alphabet game, a game that I used to play on long car rides where the goal is to find every letter on road signs/etc in order.

The play can be tweaked if necessary, of course.