Dearly Departed

An actor stands at center stage. He holds an open book. In front of him is a large rectangular box. This box is supposed to resemble a coffin. If no such box can be found, a bouquet of flowers may simply be placed on the ground in front of the actor.

All the other actors (except for one) are gathered to either side of the main actor or to either side of what would be the coffin. They look distressed or sad, and they are holding tissues, crying into each other’s shoulders, etc.

The main actor, who is portraying a preacher, speaks.

Preacher:

Dearly departed,

We are gathered here today,

Under the shadow of the Grim Reaper,

To join together this unfortunate man

And the ground beneath our feet

In eternal union.

Into this premature state this man,

Now presently a corpse,

Is placed to wither in death as he did in life.

Let us hope he serves as a warning

To all others like him,

And with his sensibilities.

This former man

Has plunged himself into the abyss of death,

Through his own effort and strain.

His unfortunate fate will be shared by many of his close friends,

If they so choose to follow the path he led.

The preacher begins to get emotional.

Preacher:

To all the young people considering such a way of life,

I urge you, resist temptation.

As much as you may want to give in,

As much as the people around you encourage you to give in,

You MUST do what is right.

Don’t give in to peer pressure.

Don’t take those destructive things.

For, the world is a glorious place,

And it should be enjoyed, not ignored.

You may say,

I’ll take just one, only one.

But then soon you will take one more,

Then one more,

Until eventually you are taking all of them.

You may think that you are alright,

But you do not know what you are throwing away.

It is a sin, indeed a MORTAL SIN,

To give up those important years,

Those precious years of young adulthood

Just to make others happy!

The preacher is nearly in tears.

Preacher:

Just, don’t do it! Don’t do it!

The preacher takes a moment to compose himself.

At this moment, the one actor who is not onstage begins to walk across the stage carrying a gravestone (it can simply be a large sheet of cardboard). The gravestone is carried so that the audience only sees the back of it.

As the actor walks across the stage, the preacher delivers his final lines with supreme solemnity.

Preacher:

We commit this body into this hallowed ground.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

May you rest in everlasting peace,

Overworked AP Student.

As he says this last line, the actor carrying the gravestone flips it around and places it at the head of the “grave”. The gravestone reads “R.I.P. Overworked AP Student”, and the words are fairly large so that at least some of the audience can read them.

Leave a few moments for the audience to read the gravestone, then

CURTAIN