A Good Man is Hard to Find Part One

Based on Flannery O’Connors collection of short stories. Whole cast is probably going to be required. Starts with five people, the old woman has a gray wig. The gimp limps, the blind woman has her arms out in front of her at all times, the misfit will have a gun. The priest a white priestly thing or whatever it’s called. I know this is super long but I don’t know how to condense this…

Old Woman: A good man is hard to find. (She shrieks) A negro! We must leave this establishment at once! (two kids, two parents, and old woman sit down in chairs and pretend to drive, the father at the wheel. The car crashes after two or three seconds and the actors vacate the car immediately.) Look! A good man! No wait! It’s the Misfit!

The Misfit: I looked up and saw the ceiling, there were walls to either side and the floor beneath me, the crime did not fit the punishment and Jesus should not have risen from the grave he FUCKIN’ threw everything off balance and now I only get pleasure out of killing old ladies and their families.

Child: What a crybaby!

Child 2: Yeah, I find it hard to believe that you blame a political execution of a rabble-rouser for the fact that you are a serial killer. You just can’t get away with that in a reasonable world.

Old Woman: No, he’s a good man! (Misfit shoots everyone).

The Misfit: She would have been a good woman if it had been someone to shoot her every minute of her life. (Everyone drops to the ground and makes whooshing noises, an actor with a priestly white scarf and another actor playing a boy come up)

Priest: This is the rich red river of Jesus’ blood! Put your pain in the rich red blood, in the river of Faith! Whatever I do to you, little boy, remember that I am an ordained priest and I’m doing it because God loves you and wants you to go to the Kingdom.

Boy: I want to go to the Kingdom! (Dunks head down and then drowns. People clear away except for one girl and one man)

Girl: wuhh wuhh wuhhh blah bloo (She has her hands out in front of her because she is blind).

Man: You’re slow and blind, and I’m a gimp! Let’s get married and have gimp children. (He limps over and they sit down in the chairs and drive, then stop) Go get us some sandwiches, honey! (He drives away as she gets out of the car, she wonders around with her arms out in front of her. Misfit runs out and shoots her. Three girls come out for next mini-scene)

Girl 1: Boys boys boys!

Girl 2: I love insinuating that I’m a slut!

Girl 3: I’m smarter than either of you and I’m going to be a sassy bitch about it!

Girl 1: God, don’t you know you’re a temple of the Holy Ghost?

Girl 2: Yeah, even this one! (Transsexual walks on stage)

Transsexual: I am both a man and a woman and I am made in God’s image! (Priest runs up)

Priest: Abomination! You are all sinners! And all women!

Girl 3: Religious epiphany! We shouldn’t be happy with who we are! Please god, make me stupid! (Gimp limps on stage and grabs transsexual and runs off. Misfit shoots girls. One woman enters)

Woman: I’m tired, I’m nauseous, I haven’t had my period in a while, I’m not going to the doctor though I’ve never gone it’s nothing. Why God, Why? (Priest runs on stage)

Priest: You are the vessel! (Suddenly, the whole cast rushes on stage making whooshing sounds as the woman and priest are carried to the Kingdom. Man in grey wig and boy rise up for next scene.)

Old Man: The city is a dangerous place.

Boy: I was born there – this will be my second time to the city!

Old Man: You don’t remember the city…Look black people! Watch out, boy! (A herd of women beat the boy with their purses) He is no son of mine! (Priest runs out)

Priest: Biblical imagery! (Misfit runs out)

The Misfit: You threw everything off balance, you bastard! (He shoots the old man, everyone runs out, blind girl wanders awkwardly across the stage, a woman falls to the ground and gives birth, the transexual shouts “I am made in God’s image!” Girl 3 cries out “I am a vessel of the Holy Ghost! Forgive me, Lord!” Old woman: “You are a good man!”)

Everyone: Do not presume to understand the actions of our Lord.