Hamlet: Behind the Sonnets

The scene is in a house. Shakespeare is frustrated, scribbling down ideas then crossing them out on a sheet of paper. He’s sitting on a bench or in a chair at a table.

Shakespeare: No, no, no! I can’t believe I can’t think of anything! Maybe I should just do…sequels. God…how did I come up with Taming Of the Shrew so quickly before?

Anne walks in, in a nagging whiny disposition, possibly in a Jersey accent.

Anne: Willy, I cannot believe what a lazy, dimwitted, failure of a man you are.

Shakespeare: (murmuring) Oh yeah.

Anne: I mean all day I cook, clean, take care of the spawn so that you can hide behind your little desk in your room, never to see the light of day until you write another stupid play about how women can’t seem to keep their linens on and men getting a little too ambitious if you know what I’m saying-

Shakespeare: Yes, yes, darling you’re always right. Knowing that, why don’t you tell every man in the village again how you secretly think Romeo is a bit “confused” with himself since he never actually “did it” with Juliet.

Anne: Why can’t you be like your brother! (Walks away)

Shakespeare: Gee. I wonder why this “crazy women” thing is working out in my plays.

Hamnet walks in, clearly upset about something

Hamnet: Father, I have a complaint.

Shakespeare: Would not be the first time Hamnet,

Hamnet: A boy from school called me a poor excuse for a male. The nerve! I am clearly a man. I must do something! I will be avenged! I will, I will…I will write an angry letter. Yes…then he’ll be sorry.

Shakespeare: *sigh* Fine. Go write the letter.

Hamnet: You mock me. You think I won’t do it! That I don’t have the courage!

Shakespeare: Um, Hamnet I never-

Hamnet: Well if I please you so I won’t do it. I will cry in my room and hug my teddy bear…because of YOU. Adieu, Father. Oh P.S. Uncle Edmund’s over. I believe mother is acting funny too. She should be punished for her disloyal-

Shakespeare: LEAVE!

Hamnet leaves.

Shakespeare: My god. So…angsty and pubescent! Me thinks I have a daughter.

Edmund enters.

Edmund: Hey hey, bro. What up with thou?

Shakespeare: Its thee, and nothing. Trying to write a play.

Edmund: Huh Boring! Dude, you seriously need an actual job. Anyway, Anne’s looking especially fine today…ith.

Shakespeare: Edmund. She’s my wife.

Edmund: I’m just saying. If that corset goes any tighter, Hotness, thy name is woman.

Shakespeare: Get out Edmund!

Edmund: Wow someone needs to be leeched. What eve dude. Hey Anne, how…ith is my favorite wife (catches himself) er sister-in-law.

Shakespeare: Ugh. My life’s a play of its own.