Friday, March 4, 2011

Minutes Away From Death

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a plane. An emergency
announcement is made: “Brace for impact”. The plane is about to go down as the woman turns to the
man and tries to convince him to marry her to fulfill her goal of marrying before the age of 30.

Props needed: 2 chairs and a ring

Both are sitting curled up (hands over the knees in a bent position) to brace for impact.

Dialogue:

Woman: *Sits straight* Will you marry me?

Man: *Sits straight, gives the lady a strange look*

Woman: Will you marry me? (In a louder tone this time)

Man: Lady, pardon me, but I barely know you.

Woman: Well, now would be the time to get to know each other! What is your name?

Man: This is not happening right now… (whispers)

Woman: What is it?

Man: William. Does it really matter anymore?

Woman: Well I am Susan, William. *Takes ring off of index finger and gives it to the man*. Take it!

Man: *Takes the ring*. What for?

Woman: Don’t you know the procedure? You get down on your knee and ask me, “Will you marry me
Susan?”

Man: Lady, this is not the time! If I would be you, I would brace myself and pray. *Curls up*

Woman: (Almost screaming) I am doomed to be an old, unwanted and never married woman in the
afterlife if you don’t propose to me right this moment! (Softer voice)- I don’t you think you really want
to deny me of my last wish…

Man: Fine! *Gets up, moves to the other side of the woman and gets down on his knee*. Will you marry
me Susan? (loud and clear)

Woman: Oh yes! (exclaims joyfully)

Man: I don’t feel right…

Woman: Oh don’t pull the guilt trap on me now!

Man: I mean I’m really not a supporter of polygamy or infidelity..

Woman: Well pretend that you’ve divorced your other wife! *Looks at his finger* You’re not wearing
your wedding ring anyway!

Man: Neither one of us has a ring…

Woman: What kind of marriage is that?

*Captain announces that “The emergency is over, there is no more need to brace for impact. We are
back on route”.*

Woman: Well, now you’re going to have to tell whatever her name is…that you are now my husband
and not hers! By the way, what is your wife’s name?

Man: Actually, it’s Mike…

*Both stare at each other*

THE END

Teenagers at Their Finest

Welcome. Please have a seat. Now, this is a formal interview, but please,
just be yourself. The important thing to remember is that I just want to get
to know you to see if our school would be a good fit for you. Let’s start with
something simple. Tell me about yourself. Who are you?

o I don’t know.

As good an answer as any, I guess. But is there anything you can say?
Anything that defines you that would make our school appealing to you?

o I don’t know.

Well, all right then, moving on…what is it about this university that brought
you here? What do you find interesting about this establishment?

o I don’t know.

Oh, c’mon. You’re here; there must be something that caught your attention.

o I don’t know.

Really, sir, this interview may determine your whole future, your life! Don’t
you think that “I don’t know” is a bit of an underwhelming response to my
most basic questions?

o I don’t know.

Do you think this is funny? Like this is all just a joke?

o I don’t know.

(Depression) This can’t be happening to me. How can I make you understand
how important this interview is?
o I don’t know.
(Anger) Arrggghhh stop that right now! Just answer my questions! These
aren’t difficult, they’re just standard questions, why won’t you answer me?
Answer me, God damn it!
o I don’t know.

(Bargaining) Oh God, please make it stop! What can I give you to make you
leave? Anything, name it, it’s yours! What do you want from me?

o I don’t know.

(Depression) I just can’t stand it anymore. Why won’t you just tell me what I
want to know? Why can’t you just follow the rules like everyone else?

o I don’t know.
(Acceptance) Well, I guess I set myself up for this, asking you to be yourself.

Is there anything you do want to talk about?

o I don’t know.

Okay then. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll just go and get some work done. You
can excuse yourself whenever you want to.

o (Sits for a while, gets up, moves to door, turns) So I’m in, right?

Oh, yes. Definitely.

o (Walks out door)

The Smart Board


The idea behind this skit is the simple problems some teachers face with Smart Boards, like the remote sometimes doesn’t work and orienting the machine, but the Smart Board can speak out loud to the teacher, the Board does most of the talking as the teacher just stares in aw.

Teacher: Agh why isn’t this working!

SB: I’m not feeling too well.

Teacher: Well, what can I do to make you feel better, because I need you for my class?

SB: Try pushing the button on the projector and not my remote.

Teacher: Ok, but now I can’t write in a line!

SB: Even though you’ve turned me on, this doesn’t mean I am oriented; just push a few more buttons to get me straight.

Teacher: ok…

SB: ERROR ERROR AUTO RESTART

Teacher: This thing is crap; I’m just going to unplug it!

SB: (turn back on quickly) No no, stop, I’m sorry I’m just a little tired.

Teacher: You’re a machine, you don’t sweat, you don’t get tired, boohoo, suck it up!

SB: ERROR ERROR, SHUT UP SHUT UP

Teacher : I don’t need you, I’ll just go the old fashion way, the chalk board.

SB: That wall will never be like me.

Teacher: I know, it doesn’t get tired, you big smart baby!

Chillin’ With the Swedes

CAST:


INGVAR – A Swedish Viking who has been charged with bringing two Danish captives to the king of Sweden. Rather brash and likely to rush into things without a thought.

YNGVE – INGVAR’s dearest friend, and the more levelheaded of the two. YNGVE is often left to rescue INGVAR when his plans fall through.

Two Scottish captives rescued from Denmark.

--

Open: Three men run onstage from the left, one (leading) with arms bared, carrying a sword and shield, the other two (following) huddled together beneath a blanket for warmth. A man already stands at the middle of the right half of the stage, clad similar to the leader of the three. The leader of the three stops several feet from the man, and the two huddled men stop several feet behind him and continue to huddle and shiver.

INGVAR: (Panting from the long run) Yngve, your timing is impeccable.

YNGVE: It would appear so, Ingvar.

INGVAR: (Searching awkwardly) Is there meat left for three?

YNGVE: (Stern, uncaring) There is meat enough. (Sighing, YNGVE shakes his head and makes firm eye contact with INGVAR, who seems desperate to avoid it) Tell me, Ingvar, for I much desire to assuage these thoughts of mine, what was your plan of escape?

INGVAR: (Stunned, purposefully exaggerating windedness) My plan?

YNGVE: (Condescending) Of escape, yes. This was my question, and it is good to know your hearing, at least, has not fled with the rest of your senses! It is nearly a league of ice and water from Danmark to safety, and you believed the Danes would not see your ship leaving their land?

INGVAR: (No longer faking tiredness) Have you no faith in luck?

YNGVE: In broad daylight? I should be so hopeful! Why is it you hold the capacity for scheming so flawlessly against our own superiors, but never against the enemy?

INGVAR: Because I know you will save me! What use is a plan, Yngve? My luck has held often enough before, and against far worse than three score Danes!

YNGVE: (Sighs, annoyed) I do not know which is more pathetic, that you should continue to forgo planning and charge headfirst into unnecessary battles, or that the Danes should continue to fail in killing you despite your recklessness.

INGVAR: (Joking, jovial) It must be the second, for the Danes have not learned from my strength the power of the Swedes, else they would have fled to the mainland!

YNGVE: (Incredulous) Ingvar, you truly had no plan?

INGVAR: In truth? (Stern, serious) I had hoped that we would reach half way across, maybe more, before the Danes caught up to us. Then, I would leap into the water and –

YNGVE: (Furious, shouting and gesticulating) And what? Freeze? And then where would the King’s guests be?

INGVAR: (Laughing) You forget, Yngve, we are Swedes! We do not freeze, we become marginally chilled!

YNGVE: (Still angry) Then you should have marginally chilled to death!

INGVAR: But the Scotts would have made it.

YNGVE: (Resigned, shaking his head, mumbling) I think the Danes’ storm has marginally chilled your mind, my friend.

INGVAR: (Laughing full force as he slaps his friend on the back, he grins) That it may have, but these Scottish lovelies, courtesy of Danmark, will be more than marginally chilled should we not get them to the camp soon.

YNGVE: True, true. (Grinning) All right, you Scotsmen, enough chilling. Now it is time for feasting and warmth. We’d not want the Swedish king to be accused of attempting to freeze his guests, after all.

INGVAR: No, only his men!

EXIT.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Direction(s)

(An ordinary looking man sits on a ‘bench’ reading a newspaper and looking very interested in the article he is following. A frazzled looking woman with a map in her hand walks by, finally conceding to ask for directions. She approaches the man cautiously.)

Woman: “Excuse me,”

Man: (Not even looking up from his paper.) “Do you want something?”

Woman: “Well, I’m a bit lost actually,”

Man: (Uninterested, turning a page.) “Is that so?”

Woman: (Questioningly) “I was wondering if you could give me directions.”

Man: (Finally looking up from newspaper, annoyed sigh.) “What makes you think I know where you’re looking to go?”

Woman: “I just assumed- I have a map here. I don’t know where I am.”

Man: “If you don’t know where you are, how am I supposed to know where you are?”

(Pause, woman looks confused.)

Man: (Exasperatedly gets up and slams the paper on his ‘bench’.) “Really, who’s to know where any of us are going if we don’t even know ourselves? (Conclusively) If I decide to take the subway, and you decide to take the subway, we’re both moving in the same direction, but to different destinations. We may be going the same way, to the same target, but as soon as we step off that metal monster we’re two different people again with two unlike paths.”

Woman: (Quickly) “Sir, I’m not looking for the subway, I’m just-“

Man: (Interrupting) “But it could be the exact opposite couldn’t it? I could be going to temple and you could be going to church, and we’re both on different sides of the earth travelling by car or bus or train, but we’re doing the same thing with the same intention, just on different trails. We’re not so different then. (Increasingly animated, begins to walk around.) Is that what links everyone, do you think? The paths we go on, do they define us? When you think about it, we’re all just doing the same thing; wandering around this dammed earth looking for something.”

Woman: (Stepping back) “I have a lunch date I’m going to be late to-“

Man: (As if she has just proved his point) “That’s exactly it! Where do we all go to? Where do we come from, and how? Does it even matter? Is that our purpose, to find the place we were looking for all along only to realize that we have to keep searching? (Dramatic pause, slower) Do we slow down only in death? Is death brought upon us when we find our objective, or is it the last destination?”

Woman: (Backing up, creeped out) “You know what, that’s alright; I’m going to ask someone else.” (Quickly, she exits)

(Man watches her go before picking up his newspaper again, sitting back down on his bench. He opens to where he left off and begins to read. After a long moment, he calls after her.)

“Broadview Road,”

(Curtain)

Question #42


Characters:

1

2

Setting: The end of time

(2 is siting staring out. 1 approaches)

1: What are we waiting for?

2: Why do you ask?

1: What else am I supposed to do?

2: Were you not content before?

1: Isn’t there more to life?

2: Why change what’s been set forth?

1: Shouldn’t we strive for more?

2: What is your reasoning?

1: Do I have to have a reason?

2: (testy) What else do you want to know?

1: What is it all about?

2: How should I know?

1: Don’t you know the answer?

2: Do I look any different than you?

1: Where are we?

2: Will you quit asking me?

1: How else will I find the answer?

2: Why should I care?

1: What?

2: Why?

1: Why what?

2: Why are you asking so many questions?

1: How else will I learn?

2: What would you gain?

1: What else is there?

2: Why do you care?

1: (angry) Why won’t you tell me?

2: (loud) What is the point?

1: (desperate) WHAT IS THE ANSWER?

2: (roar) I DON’T KNOW!

(Gasp. Both are shocked. There is a long moment of uncertainty.)

2: (quiet) What did I just do?

1: Is this the end?

2: Or is it the beginning?

1: Is this reversible?

2: Or is it permanent?

1: How do we go on?

1: Where should we go?

2: What can we do?

(pause)

1: How will we survive?

2: Where is the end?

1: What is the answer?

2: What is the question?

End-

The Orange (Bum Da Bum) - Part 1

(Two people are onstage, one standing while the other sits. They both look exhausted, and warn down from a strenuous conversation.)

Lyla: So… (looks inquisitively at orange)

Benjamin: Yup. (holding an orange)

Lyla: You have an orange. (moves closer to the orange, carefully)

Benjamin: I have an orange.

Lyla: And this orange… (moving closer)

Benjamin: This one here.

Lyla: You claim that this orange, in your hand- right there (points), fell from the Telocrastus. (moving closer)

Benjamin: Yes.

Lyla: Can you explain please how this orange (points again, more animatedly) “fell” from Telocratus, the PLANET?

Benjamin: Well, Telocrastus has been orbiting the Earth for near a hundred MILLION YEARS, and it (getting more and more into the story) only passes the Earth ever 2,000 YEARS, not months, not days, no. YEARS! Anyways, so they-

Lyla: But… no… (flustered) Telocrastus CAN’T EXIST! IT wouldn’t work. (loosing confidence)

…. (paces, thinking)

Benjamin: Well, actually-

Lyla: (interrupting Benjamin) Even if it did, NASA or whatever would’ve, ya know, like… seen it! They have REALLY, REALLY BIG TELESCOPES!

Benjamin: Telocrastus has a large series of rings that surrounds it entirely, making its surface blend in with the black night sky, ALMOST undetectable. Anyways, so the Telecrastians-

Lyla: (Looks at Benjamin, utterly flustered. Giving him a look, that begs him to not make his story anymore complicated)

Benjamin: (walks to Lyla) Don’t worry they’re just the extra terrestrials that inhabit Telcrastus. They’re harmless, honestly. But, they’ve been observing the human population ever since its infancy and the Earth itself. And earlier today, Telecrastus passed directly over us! For years now, they’ve been making contact with the human population but nobody has an open enough mind to believe it.

Lyla: (ultimately confused, she continues to look at the orange) And this orange…

Benjamin: This orange is how they make contact with us humans. For this is not an orange at all, but a KEY!

Lyla: (breathing heavily) A key? Eh… To what? An alien safe?

Benjamin: Now don’t be silly, it’s the key to unlocking a communication device between the Telecrastians and us humans. Look, I’ve got to go, but you can hold on to this for me. (throws orange to Lyla)

Lyla: (looks at it trying to figure out how it works, pressing buttons here and there, as she pulls hairs from her head and acts increasingly insane)

…. (remains on stage inquisitively looking at the orange throughout the entire next play)

(at the end of the play… Lyla carefully puts the orange down, having given up on trying to unlock it)

(Lyla exits, and as soon as she leaves a voice from a microphone offstage echoes a strange language that repeats many forms of “bum ba dum” as a spotlight is shown upon the orange)

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spring theatre project

this blog is where we'll post play submissions for the 2009 two-minutes play contest as soon as we start receiving them. readers will read and rate the plays, and based on those ratings, we'll narrow down the submissions to a final group. each play must be read by at least three readers.