Haha Horoscopes

Emma: Jane, over here!

(*Jane walks over to the table and smiles as she notices the two identical drinks on the table)

Emma: I got your favorite, half-caf double shot, light, whipped cream cappuccino.

Jane: I think that you would have a hard time remembering that if it weren’t your favorite drink, too.

Emma: And that is why I am not in one of those green smocks.

Jane: Touche.

(*The two girls sit and drink their coffees)

(*Jane picks up the newspaper in front of her)

Jane: I love reading my horoscopes here. They are scarily true.

Emma: Come on, Jane. You cannot seriously believe that everyone born within thirty-one days of you is going to have (as she looks over Jane’s shoulder to the horoscope page) a “three-star” day.

Jane: I’m telling you, Emma. I don’t normally buy into this kind of stuff but I’ve been getting coffee here every day for the last five months, and my horoscope has been true every morning.

Emma: I don’t believe that for a second.

Jane: Yeah? Ok, watch this. Here (grabs a newspaper clipping from her wallet). This is the horoscope that I got on the day that Mr. Phillips gave me a promotion.

(*Emma reads clipping aloud)

Emma: Today you will find yourself presented with a big opportunity. Don’t be afraid-take it!

Jane: See?!

Emma: That same day the snotty receptionist from the fourth floor asked me to hold her purse while she went to the bathroom. I took out her Saks rewards card and bought myself these neon patent shoes. Now that’s what I call a taken opportunity.

Jane: Emma, be serious for one second of your life. If you don’t believe me, look at this one.

(*Emma playfully grabs the second of five clippings from Jane’s hand and reads it aloud)

Emma: Today you will be confronted with a harsh reality. (*Quiet for a few seconds, as if feeling sympathetic towards Jane). Is this from the day when Melrose Place was cancelled?

(*Emma chuckles as she takes another gulp of her cappuccino)

Jane: For your information, this is from the day that Chuck and I broke off our engagement.

Emma: Ok, so you are telling me that two horoscopes, so vague that they could be warning my six pound pit-bull of its mid afternoon poop or alluding to my 75 year old illiterate grandmother’s first ever scrabble championship win, predicted that you would get a highly coveted promotion that you had been working towards for the past five years or that your engagement to buck-faced Chuck (one that neither your mother nor Oprah would approve) would end? Jane, give the universe some credit.

(*Jane grumbles something mean under her breath in Spanish)

Emma (in an embarrassing accent): Hola, amiga (like hoooola ameega), I may not be trilingual, but I surely know how to use Google translator.

(*Jane rolls her eyes as she stands up and walks to the garbage. Simultaneously, Emma walks towards the exit, where she is stopped looking at today’s newspaper)

Emma: Hey, Janey! Lookey here! My horoscope today tells me that I…

(*Before Emma can finish, Jane walks over towards her and slaps her across the face)

(*Jane keeps walking towards the front door, as if nothing has happened)

Emma: HEY! What the hell was that for?!

Jane (very confidently): Now read me your horoscope.

Emma (slightly confused): Today a judgment will come back to smack you in the face.

(*Emma watches Jane walk towards the door with her jaw dropped)

Jane (with a deep, satisfied breath): …Every time.