Talk Nerdy to Me

A beautiful girl sits enthralled in her book.

A gaggle of average looking boys mainly hampered in their girl pursuits by their obvious nerdiness, enter while chatting about the theory of relativity or some such nonsense.

Silence.

The boys stare at the goddess-like figure calmly reading her book within spitting distance from the very desperate boys whose previous experience with girls include a few awkward conversations with their cousins at family reunions.

Dwayne: Woah.

Eugene: She’s beautiful.

Sheldon nods vigorously.

Carleton: Someone should talk to her.

Dwayne: No way. The chances of her being interested in us are like the chances of the four of us being simultaneously struck by lightning. It’s never going to happen.

Carleton: Wanna bet? I’ll give you my first edition Captain America comic.

Dwayne: Throw in your Green Lantern ring and we have a deal.

Carleton: It’s on like Donkey Kong.

Sheldon gulps nervously

Eugene: Guys, let’s be mature here. We are respectable gentlemen of science, not primates searching for a mate.

The boys are too busy ogling the girl to listen to Eugene.

Carleton: I got this…watch and learn, brethren.

Carleton approaches the girl.

Carleton: Excuse me m’am, but do you play the cello? Because I’d love to touch your G-string.

Girl (Cleary creeped out by Carleton’s churlish advances): No. I don’t play cello and therefore have no G-string you will ever touch.

Carleton(not getting the hint): Ahh too bad. You know, if I was an enzyme I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Girl (loosing patience): Well, then thank God you’re not an enzyme.

Carleton (still not getting the hint): Ooh, I like my girls feisty. I wish I was a hypotenuse so I could get between your legs.

Girl: Three strikes, you’re out.

Carleton: But…

Girl glares.

Carleton (quickly retreating): Okay, it was nice talking to you

Carleton shuffles back to the boys.

Dwayne (mocking): Wow, Master. Such skill. If only I could talk to the ladies like you.

Carleton (embarrassed): Like you could do any better.

Dwayne: Watch me.

Dwayne approaches the girl.

Dwayne: Hi, I hope I’m not being obtuse, but you’re a-cute girl. (chuckles to self) Get it? Like an acute angle?

Girl: It was funnier before you started laughing at your own joke.

Dwayne: I’m sorry; I just really wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves. You have such a nice ass-mptote.

Girl: Yeah, that’s not helping.

Dwayne: Let’s just forget this whole conversation ever happened and just head to my bedroom, peel back my Star Wars sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his light saber? Heisenberg was so wrong. I’m certain about what you’re doing tonight.

Girl: I’m giving you until the count of ten before I call the cops.

Dwayne: Does that mean you won’t give me your significant digits?

Girl: one…two…three

Dwayne (hurriedly walking away): It was nice meeting.

Dwayne tries to nonchalantly stroll back to the guys, as if he’s not mortified by his epic failure.

Carleton: Guess I get to keep my Green Lantern ring.

Dwayne (purposely ignoring Carleton): Your turn Sheldon.

Sheldon nervously approaches the girl while stealing glances back at the guys.

He awkwardly stares at her, while standing uncomfortably close to her.

Silence.

Girl: Um…Hi?

Sheldon looks at her with abject terror, and gives a slight, feeble wave.

The girl looks at him confused.

Sheldon appears to be at a loss of how to remove himself from the situation when an idea hits him. He takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and writes “ ”

Girl (struggling to comprehend the message): Are you…(finally getting it) over eighteen cutie pie. Cute. Why don’t you just walk away now, bud?

Sheldon looks relieved and happily jaunts back to the boys.

The boys recognize it’s the best Sheldon could conceivably manage and give him sad pats on the back.

Dwayne: I guess that means it’s your turn Eugene.

Carleton: Don’t even bother. If I couldn’t bag her, none you guys stand a chance.

Eugene rolls his eyes and calmly approaches the girl.

Eugene: Hey

Girl (slightly suspicious): Hi…

Eugene: I’m Eugene, what’s your name?

Girl (smiling): I’m ­­ ­­Marie

Eugene (smiles): It’s nice to meet you.

­­­Marie and Eugene engage in a nice pleasant conversation as the boy jealously watch.

Dwayne: “Hey?”…”HEY!”

Carleton: How could she fall for such a blatant attempt to seduce her and ignore my beautifully crafted overtures?!

Dwayne: …“hey”…such an eloquent line.

Sheldon: looks impressed at Eugene’s game

The boys walk off stage, defeated.

Lights fade on ­­­­Mari and Eugene, still in conversation.