Ovid's Giving Tree

(With Apologies to Shel Silverstein)

(TREE stands at center stage with arms stretched above her head like branches. NARRATOR is off to the side.)

NARRATOR: In Cincinnatus, Ohio, there was a tree. And she loved a boy very much.

(Enter BOY.)

NARRATOR: The boy climbed on her branches and loved the tree too. And despite the boy’s dirty hands and…

(BOY tugs particularly hard on TREE’s arm. TREE topples, rights self again – all with genuine adoration for BOY.)

NARRATOR: …propensity for being a douchebag, both were happy.

BOY: I am hungry.

TREE: (Offering BOY her cupped hand.) Here, eat the eggs of vultures that nest in my branches.

BOY: (Dubiously.) No. Where is Chipotle?

(TREE gestures offstage. BOY exits. TREE replaces egg as NARRATOR continues.)

NARRATOR: The boy was gone for a long time, and the tree was sad. Finally, the boy came back (BOY enters.), now a young man.

TREE: (To BOY.) Oh, I missed you. Come, Boy, climb on my branches.

BOY: I am too old for that.

TREE: Rest in my shade.

BOY: Yes. (He sits, leans against TREE.) I have found someone to share my life with.

(TREE is elated.)

BOY: (Looking offstage.) Slave, come.

(SLAVE appears from the wing, doesn’t take another step onstage. TREE is heartbroken. A beat, then SLAVE bolts offstage. BOY jumps up.)

BOY: (To TREE.) Do you have a Taser?

TREE: I’m sorry, but I don’t. Take my bark and make a tablet, so you can write poetry and win her heart – and be truly happy.

(TREE pulls a tablet computer from behind her back, hands it to BOY. BOY exits. TREE smiles.)

NARRATOR: And so the tree was happy. But the years went by and the tree grew lonely. She was overjoyed to see the boy return (BOY enters.), a man…

(BOY trips over TREE’s root and proceeds to nurse his injured toe.)

NARRATOR: …and drunk as Trimalchio. That’s an allusion for the Gatsby scholars out there. And the tree said–

TREE: Boy, swing on my branches and be happy.

BOY: (After a long exhalation.) No, what I want is a place to hang a miserable debtor.

TREE: Tie a rope from my branches and fashion a noose. Then debtors will swing and you will be happy.

(BOY exits as NARRATOR speaks.)

NARRATOR: So the boy killed his debtor and the tree smelled like corpses and was happy.

(BOY enters.)

BOY: I need a cross. (TREE gives a blank look.) A crucifix. (BOY mimes Jesus.)

NARRATOR: (Directed at BOY.) Christ killer.

TREE: (Comprehending.) I have no cross. I feel no need to torture minorities, but you may cut off my branches and build a cross… if it makes you happy.

(BOY helps TREE pull her arms out of her sleeves. BOY exits.)

NARRATOR: And so the double amputee tree was left alone – exploited, abused, waiting. And she was happy… but not really. The boy came back as an old man (BOY enters), and the tree drooped in shame.

TREE: I am sorry, Boy. I wish I had something I could give you.

BOY: I am dying…

NARRATOR: Took him long enough, the dipshit.

BOY: …and I want to cut you down and make a coffin, so you can suffer as much as me.

(A beat as TREE looks lovingly at BOY. TREE folds herself down to the stage floor. BOY shuffles over to her and sits on her back.)

TREE: Rest in peace, my love.

NARRATOR: And the boy did. And the tree was happy.

(Curtain.)