Job’s Therapist

Based off of the Book of Job in The Bible

(Job is lying down in his therapist’s office; the therapist sits down; the therapist is holding a notebook and some paper work and wears broad rimmed bifocals with a pen in his ear)

Therapist: Oh, pleasant greetings Job (pronounced job not jobe).

Job: It’s Jo…

Therapist: (cutting Job off) So what do we have here today, Job (still pronounced wrong)? My paperwork tells me you’ve come across some misfortune.

Job: Well… (Hesitating)

Therapist: Let’s see (reading from sheet)… 7 thousand sheep, three thousand camels, 5 hundred yoke of oxen; who knows what yoke means; uh…, five hundred… inappropriate word, tons of servants, a pimped out mansion, seven sons, three daughters, a very active wife… all gone! How does this make you feel?

Job: (in a solemn and offended tone) I cannot begin to tell you. It’s terrible, unfathomable, and worst of all, it’s groundless and unjust. I have committed no sin. Why is light given to a man whose way is hid, and why…

Therapist: Wow Job, you’re losin’ me there. You’re disappointed, I get it. But who wouldn’t be? Listen, you’re not the first person to dislike suffering. Nor are you the first person to suffer. Crazy stuff. (sarcasticly) My good Job (pronounced wrong again), everyone dies eventually but the world‘s still spinning.

Job: But sir!, I would happily leave this world but I cannot bear the departure of my loved ones.

Therapist: I’m sure they would’ve felt the same way (sarcastically). Job, obviously you are a passionate person…

Job: I am a religious man. I try to live as modestly and as simply and…

Therapist: So you’re a humble guy (writing stuff down).

Job: Well, if I outright said I was that would defeat the purpose. So, NO! I am actually pompous!

Therapist: If you were pompous than you wouldn’t be humble enough to admit it.

Job: Then of course I’m not pompous. Anyways, I am a God fearing man. I dread misfortune and God’s awesome wrath. And because of this, I am constantly aware of God, as well I should be. I feel the presence of God as I live my life and I truly love God’s unfathomable greatness.

Therapist: So… you truly love that which you are constantly and utterly afraid of.

Job: I mean...

Therapist: Right… I bet every Jew that lived in the time of Nazi Germany was constantly afraid of Hitler, but they didn’t start calling him God.

Job: That is an unreasonable analogy. Hitler was an inhumane monster. He murdered thousands of innocent people!

Therapist: And God never did something like that! (intense but slightly sarcastic)

Job: Of course not! (Incredulous)

Therapist: And that whole Noah’s ark deal was a complete accident; just another Hurricane Katrina!

Job: I’ll tell you what that was! That was God’s response to people like Hitler. And yet, God even regretted his actions after the fact.

Therapist: Yes! And the power to make a colossal mistake is a quality which God should surely poses.

Job: Oh just stop trying to understand God.

Therapist: Let’s not be hypocritical now Jimmy Boy.

Job: Well I truly don’t mean to deny the fact that God is doing the right thing. God has only the best intentions. He is a purely benevolent presence.

Therapist: Benevolent, Huh? And you said earlier that you are consciously afraid of God.

Job: Well, yes…

Therapist: What kind of paranoid freak are you?

Job: The humble kind of paranoid freak! I MEAN the kind that doesn’t question God’s greatness!

Therapist: Yeah, the kind that, in accepting God’s greatness, takes to contemplating why God decided to contradict himself! (seething frustration; calms himself down after a pause and speaks more quietly) Listen, suffering is beyond us. One guy wins the lottery while another guy drives off a bridge. Things just happen. We don’t need a reason. How can you even prove to me that (bolt of lightning comes down and strikes the Therapist) GGOODD (being shocked; shocking stops and the Therapist falls on the floor) exists? (said right before he becomes limp)

(long pause, Job looks up, down at the therapist, around him)

Job: That’s how.