Lipogram

Lipogram, n. A composition from which the writer rejects all words that contain a certain letter or letters. (Oxford English Dictionary).

The play begins with lights up on 1, who is experiencing an existential crisis.

1: A thing…is missing from this world.

2: A thing?

1: Mmm-hmm.

2: What is it?

1: I don’t know.

2: Why do you think it’s lost?

1: It’s hard to say. I lack…composition.

2: I don’t think I follow.

1: This thing; it’s so basic! And it’s missing.

2: What symptoms can you pinpoint?

1: I look out my window at - at nothing. It’s as if I am painting without a color.

2: Which color?

1: …I can’t say.

2: [sotto voce] You sound similar to that royal Danish guy.

1: And my food has no flavor.

2: Did you try adding salt? cinnamon?

1: Duh. I did. Nothing works.

2: What did you cut your food with? A fork? A spoon?

1: No. A spatula…But it was lost long ago. Prior to lunch.

2: So now it’s missing.

1: I think I lost it. I don’t know how. It’s a kind of symbol, I think.

2: A digit?

1: No, I don’t think so.

2: For adding or subtracting?

1: No…no. Truly ubiquitous.

2: It’s a symbol, but not for counting? that is, not for math? (apologetically) I’m good at math.

[1 shakes head, despondent. beat]

1: (a sudden revelation) But posit that it is an animal that is missing!

2: What?

1: An animal with a long trunk.

2: Oh! Such as a lion?

1: No!

2: An aardvark?

1: No!

2: I know! [gesturing like a Brontasaurus’s neck] a Brontasaurus.

1: No!! With a trunk, you know. And big – [gestures futilely at the ears] – flaps…on its cranium?

2: What an odd mammal you posit.

1: To posit, or not to posit – that is all I ask... (sighs) I must abandon this grand pursuit now, or I will go mad.

2: A good thought. After all, I’m hungry. Your talk of food has my stomach growling.

1: I wish I could think of what is missing. It’s almost, but not…

2: (cutting 1 off, but in a friendly way) Quit!

As they exit, they pass two characters walking onstage. The two characters are carrying a banner that unfurls to read:

This play brought to you by:

E

Curtain.