Sales Pitch

Person A (walks up to kids and opens trench coat to reveal candy): You kids want to buy some chocolate?

Kid 1: No, thank you.

Kid 2: Nope, me neither.

Person A: Come on, just a little bit of candy? One dollar, one bar of chocolate.

Kid 1: That’s okay.

Kid 2 (backing away): I don't even like chocolate.

Person A: I'll even cut you a special deal. For two dollars, two bars of chocolate. Eh? Good deal?

Kid 1 (impatient): Um, no. Thank you.

Kid 2 (confused): What? That's not even a good deal, its just--

Person A: Fine, fine. Three dollars. Three bars of chocolate. Come on.

Kid 1(backing away): Okay, we get it, bye.

Kid 2: My parents don't like me talking to strangers anyways.

Person A: I am your parents.

Kids 1 + 2: What?

Person A: I am your parents.

Kids 1 + 2: I don't understand.

Person A: I'm asexual. And your parents.

Kid 1: Asexual?

Kid 2: That means he….he's trying to say that he…

Person A:…is your parents.

Kid 1: I still don't get it.

Person A: Asexual, you know, relating to any method of increasing or propagating plants without the use of seeds such as by cuttings, layering or division. But I do it as a human. It’s a mode of reproduction by which offspring arise from a single parent, and inherit the genes of that parent only, it is reproduction which does not involve meiosis, ploidy reduction, or fertilization. So I am your parent. Parents.

Kid 2: I know who my parents are, you aren't--

Person A: I am them.

Kid 1: I still don't get it!!

Kid 2: You're crazy, man.

Person A: That's no way to talk to your parents, kid.

Kid 2: Yeah but you're not--

Person A: Am I going to have to send you to your room?

Kid 2: What are you even talking about?

Kid 1 (whispering to Kid 2): Maybe we should just buy some chocolate and he'll leave us alone. It actually looks kinda good.

Kid 2 (whispering back): Good idea, you do it.

Kid 1: Can you give me a special deal? Like four bars for four dollars?

Person A: I'll do anything for my children, here you go.

Exchange chocolate and money.

Kid 1 to Kid 2(Walking away offstage): That guy was weird

Person A (to himself): Works every time.