aka CSAA

Characters:

• Jennifer – member of CSAA; addicted to “Bones”
• Mark – organizer/counselor; was once addicted to “Law and Order”
• James – member of CSAA; addicted to “CSI”
• Scott – member of CSAA; addicted to “Criminal Minds”
• Cameron – NEW member of CSAA; actually a reporter trying to find a lede

Props:

• Several chairs – five of them should be in the shape of a circle

Premise:

A group of five people are sitting in a circle—two females and three males. One of the men sits at the top of the circle, and the audience should be able to sense that he is some sort of authority figure. They are at a Crime Show Addicts Anonymous meeting. A new member arrives today. This is a typical meeting. – Audience should not find out that it’s about crime shows until later in the piece.

* * * *

[Jennifer, Stacy, James, and Scott get settled in their usual seats in the circle and politely acknowledge each other.

Cameron shuffles in, anxious for the first meeting. Stands near the door.

Mark enters and sits at the chair at the top of the circle.]

Mark: Welcome. It’s so nice to see you all again… I see we have a new member joining us today! What’s your name, son?

Cameron: My...my name is Cameron. And I’m twenty-four.

Mark and rest of group: Welcome, Cameron!

[Mark points at each character as he introduces them.]

Mark: These are Jennifer, Stacy, James, and Scott. Why don’t you sit down and we can begin.

[Cameron sits in a chair next to Jennifer.]

Mark: Here at Crime Show Addicts Anonymous, also known as CSAA, we use a four-step method to help you all overcome your addiction to Crime Shows.

Scott: But I’ve been here for eight months, and I still religiously watch “Criminal Minds.” If I miss a single episode…

Mark: [Interupts.] That’s enough Scott. Just think about our four-step plan. [Turns back to Cameron.] Sorry, Cameron, what was I saying?

Cameron: Addiction. Crime shows. The method?

Mark: Ah, yes. So, we have all had our bouts of crime show addiction. I, for one, was obsessed with “Law and Order.” It all started when I was in high school, and I got a ticket for speeding—65 in a 25—and had to appear in court. I just loved everything about reading and sorting evidence…

Jennifer: Okay, Mark. You tell us this story EVERY SINGLE TIME. You clearly never got the job you wanted, to work in a courthouse. You’re supposed to be helping us with our addictions, not drone on and on and on about your life story. How about my addiction to “Bones,” when are you gonna fix that?! Asshole.

Mark: You know our rules, Jennifer. Be civil. Be obedient. And listen to me. Or you will be out of here as quickly as you can say murder. [looks at Cameron.]…sometimes our arguments get heated but we love each other.

James: [once quiet, now angry] You know we don’t love you. You just talk about your life and we never get to let us talk about “the four-fucking-step method,” let alone fix our problems. I still watch “CSI” every day, and I’ve been coming to these damn meetings for, I don’t know, two years! I want to get rid of the habit and get out of these meetings!!

Mark: [looking at Cameron] As I was saying... We will, I will, help you overcome your addiction to crime shows. The first step is to admit that you have a problem, so what is it? What show are you fanatic of?

Cameron: Well, you see. I don’t have a problem.

Mark: Come on. You’re missing the point here. You need to admit it. What show? How often?

Cameron: No, seriously. I don’t have a problem. I’m actually a local reporter for The Times, and I think I just got the best story of my career. Thanks guys!

[Cameron starts to rush out the door.]

Mark: You had us fooled. These are ANONYMOUS, meaning no one can find out about them. That’s against the rules, the code!

Cameron: No, you had them fooled. None of them are getting anywhere with your phony four-step method, and the sad part is: they don’t actually have problems. You just make them think that being a big fan of a TV show is a bad habit, an addiction. But it’s healthy. Unlike your desire to make everyone listen to your sad story and your aspirations for a better life. Peace, bitches! [looks at members of group] and leave these meetings, they won’t help.