iLifetime

Setting: Family sitting in living room with Television in front of them

Mom: Ugh! Here comes another commercial! That’s all that they ever put on TV anymore! These television shows are just getting shorter and shorter!

Son: Look!! It’s an apple commercial!!

Commercial voice steps on stage

Voice: You’ve seen the iPod, iPod mini, iPod nano, iPod video, iPod classic, iPod shuffle, iPod touch, the iPhone 3G, the iPhone 4G, and even the iPad! But now, we’ve come out with the latest, the greatest, the most innovative, and it’s only from Apple!

iLifetime, our newest product, can meet all of your essential lifetime requirements. The apps are endless and target all ages!

For the youngsters, we have the Potty Train app, instantly potty training the ones you never thought would learn. $1.99 and you will no longer worry about your child’s future!

For those junior high boys we have the Beard app! Select the color, style, length, just point and shoot! No more shaving a bare face! Those “13 going on 30 years” are brought to a reality! And the junior high girls? iBoyfriend! Don’t worry girls, Now you all have the cutest boy in school! Simply choose his personality and looks and you and your new boyfriend will look like a million bucks!! (for only 99 cents!!)

Targeting those rough high school years we have the SAT app! All you need in order to earn that 2400 is sneak your device passed those taunting proctors, scan the test, and immediately a 2400 will be submitted to college board! No more studying and stressing!

Adults! No more stressing over how your life will turn out! Simply select “perfect life” and you will be living the American dream! You’ll be given a perfect spouse, children, become a multi millionaire, and never have a care in the world.

We even have a feature for those who have already passed! The resurrection app will bring back any person directly from the underworld! Just type in the name of the person and the date and location of their passing and immediately they are right back with you! If you pay an extra $1.99 they will become immortal and stay with you forever!

So folks, next time you need to be potty trained, grow a beard, get a boyfriend, ace the SATs, get a perfect life, or resurrect someone, just pick up your very own iLifetime! For just $199 you can do the impossible, because there truly “is an app for that”