Fly the Friendly Skies

Dramatis Personae

Dave: Bragging Bargain-Hunting Husband

Hilary: Skeptical, Long-Suffering Wife

Ticket Agent: Perky Barricuda

Dave: So when I found these bargain prices I just had to snatch them up right away. I mean, $335 round trip to Honolulu, how can you beat that?

Hilary: That sounds wonderful, Dave. S’wonderful. We’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. But you should have checked with me before you bought those tickets. You know there are all those hidden fees nowadays.

Dave (laughs): I’m ahead of you on that one. We won’t check any luggage and just stuff our carry-ons to outrageous proportions. We’ll have to gate-check, of course, but it’s absolutely free.

Hilary: But what about the snorkeling gear?

Dave: The U. S. Postal service is much cheaper – as long as you mail three weeks ahead of time.

Hilary (smiles): I must say, Dave, for once I’m truly impressed. For once you’ve done all your homework.

Agent (smiling, perky, almost robotic): Next in line, please. [Dave and Hilary shuffle to the ticket counter] How are y’all doing today?

Dave: I’m doin’ great! How about you?

Agent (smiling without affect): I’m doin’ great, too. (Pause as she looks at her computer screen) That will be $10.

Dave: What? What are you charging me for?

Agent: You asked me a question, didn’t you? New airline policy charges $10 for every customer question answered. (Pause as she types on computer) That will be an additional $10.

Dave: Why, that’s outrageous!

Agent (smiling as if addressing a child): There’s a perfectly good kiosk out there that is programmed to answer all your frequently asked questions – and it isn’t paid minimum wage. (momentarily frowns)

Dave: O. K. O. K. We’re checking in for the Honolulu flight.

Agent: Do you have any luggage to check?

Dave (smiling proudly to Hilary): Nothing to check.

Agent: What about those bags?

Dave: That’s our carry-ons.

Agent (smiling while she is shaking her head) Tsk, tsk,.

Dave: I’m sorry.

Agent: I doubt very much they will fit in the overhead bins. Besides carry-ons are now $25.

Dave: Are you charging me $25 for these bags?

Agent (smiling): No, I’m charging $25 each -- and an additional $10 for answering your question.

Dave: That’s outrageous! I’ve never paid for carry-on luggage before.

Hilary: It’s all right, honey. It’s still a good deal if we pay for our luggage. As long as you stop asking stupid questions!

Dave: O. K. O. K. You can charge my credit card.

Agent: Paying with a credit card will cost you an additional $30 fee.

Dave (waving his surrender): O. K. just get us on that flight.

Agent: Do you have a seat preference?

Dave: I’m assuming there’s a fee.

Agent: Natch’ There are some pretty sophisticated key strokes involved.

Dave: No, we’ll sit anywhere.

Agent: And will you be dining with us?

Dave (finally seeming to get the upper hand): Not this time. We’ll “dine” at McDonalds during our lay over in Vegas.

Agent: Tsk, tsk.

Dave: Excuse me.

Agent: You know, of course, that you aren’t allowed to exit the aircraft during the lay-over.

Dave: But we’re there for THREE HOURS!

Agent: That’s why I would recommend the in-flight meal. The chicken sandwich is delicious.

[Dave is dumbfounded]

Hilary: Yes, we’ll have the chicken.

Agent: That will be an additional $100.

Dave: Are you charging us $100 for lunch?

Agent: No, I’m charging you $100 each.

Dave : But they’re chicken sandwiches!

Agent: It’s free-rage chicken – and you get a side of chips ! [Dave starts to wimper]

Hilary: Let’s just get the chicken and board our flight.

Agent (clears her throat)

Hilary: Yes.

Agent: And will you be using the bathroom during your flight?

Dave: I can hold it!

Agent: Number 1 and number 2? For 6 hours – plus a three hours lay-over?

Hilary: O. K.

Agent: And will you be wanting a blanket?

Dave: Absolutely not! (he blubbers)

Agent: It gets awful cold at 20,000 feet without the heat on.

Hilary: O. K.

Agent: And how about some oxygen?

Hilary: Excuse me.

Agent: Well you can hardly hold your breath for nine hours – and there isn’t much oxygen at our cruising altitude.

Hilary: OK.

Agent: That will be an additional $400.

Dave (weeping): Please, please let us board – before you charge me another dime.

Agent: No problem. Just proceed to the boarding area where you and your fellow passengers choose your pilot and bargain for his flying fee.

Dave: For the love of God what has happened to our absurdly cheap airline fares?

Agent: That will be an additional $10.

Agent (on the intercom): We at Friendly Skies Airlines know that after a wave of magamergers you have only a limited choice of your airlines. We intend to make up for all those years we barely made a profit. Have a nice day!