Checkmate

Checkmate.

Scene: Two people are playing chess. Player one looks nervous, and is seemingly about to lose the game. Player two is visibly moving his queen and is about to checkmate player one. An announcer stands nearby.

Announcer: You are about to be checkmated. Your options are limited… How to escape? There are several strategies that one could employ; as experienced at the World Chess Championships.

Scenarios: (At the beginning of each scenario, revert back to the original scene)

1. Announcer: The French strategy; it’s not really losing if you end the game yourself.

Player One: I give up. Tips over King.

2. Announcer: The Mexican ending, however, ensures escape with a $500 investment.

A person walks by the board and slips player one a chess piece, while Player one slips the person some money. Player One replaces player two’s piece with the new piece.

Player Two: Wait a minute, did you just smuggle an illegal piece onto the board?

Player One: Well, who is going to stop me?

Announcer: Yes, who indeed?

3. Announcer: With the Egyptian strategy, just because you’re in checkmate doesn’t mean you have to quit.

Player Two: It’s game over. You have to go.

Player One: Look. I understand you put me in checkmate, but I think it would be better if I continue to play so we can have a more smooth transition.

Announcer: Careful with the Egyptian method, however. It doesn’t work forever.

Player Two: You’ve been sitting there for over 30 minutes! Leave!

Player One: Well if you’re going to make this big scene about it, I’ll leave already, geez! Mumbles something under his breath as he walks off stage

4. Announcer: The Irish simply get into a drunker brawl.

Player Two: (drunkenly yells) Checkmate!

Player One: You fluthered arse, ye’ ain’t got nothin’ on me!

Player One dives at Player Two, knocking him out of his seat.

5. Announcer: In Britain, the game ends rather easily.

Player Two: Checkmate!

Player One: By golly, it is! Good match, my dear fellow! The two shake hands

Announcer: Looks confused Wait, that wasn’t that special. Why couldn’t you guys do something more entertaining?

Player Two: We just could not think of anything original. We just decided to do what everyone else does.

Announcer: Oh.

6. Announcer: Against the Soviet Russian defense, the government beats you.

Player Two: Checkmate!

Player one snaps his fingers and two men come over and beat up Player Two and drag him off stage.

(Another Player two comes on stage and takes player two’s place).

7. Announcer: And finally, the United States has devised a strategy to ensure success.

Player one swipes all of the pieces off of the board in one fell swoop, and says, “I win,” walking away