Twas

Twas

[Man “I” on phone center stage]

911 [offstage] Hello, 911, how can I help you?

I: Help, help , I heard a clatter, and sprang to the window, tore open the shutters, threw up the sash

911: sir, calm down, what is the problem

I: There on the breast of the new fallen snow…

911: yes

I: The luster of midday, and what to my wandering eyes should appear

911: What appeared?

I: A miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer

911: Where are they now?

I: I…I don’t know…wait…I heard a sound on the roof…prancing, pawing, little hoofs

911: We’ll send help right away. Stay calm. You have nothing to dread.

I: My family, my children, nestled, snug in bed, ma in her kerchief, the stockings hung with care, please
hurry [hangs up].

[Santa enters]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho

I: Go away; dash back to where you came from; get your rapid coursers off my property; let me settle
my brain and go back to my long winter’s nap.

[Santa winks]

I: What are you up to, with your twinkling eyes, your merry dimples? [Santa chuckles] You think this is
some kind of jolly prank? I am not laughing.

[Santa takes out his pipe and makes as if to light it]

I: Don’t light that, just what I need, wreaths of smoke setting off the smoke alarm

[Santa takes out gifts from sack]

I: What are you unpacking from that peddler’s bundle on your back? Watch out, you’re getting ashes

[Santa finishes, puts finger to nose]

I: What kind of signal is that—laying your finger aside of your nose?

[Santa nods, but just as he does so a group of police officers blitz in through an imaginary door, grab
Santa, roughly throw him to the ground and handcuff him]

Cop 1: Don’t’ let him go up the chimney; that’s how the last one got away.

[Santa tries to say “Happy Christmas” but is cut off by a cop covering his mouth]

Cop 2: What? You think this is some kind of holiday?

[Head cop enters]

Head cop: Keep a tight grip on the old elf. He may be chubby and plump but he’s lively and quick too.
Somebody radio for the chopper; we need to get the reindeer down from the top of the porch and the
top of the wall.

I: Thank you so much, you are saints, you got here in the nick of time, would you like some cookies to
take with you, some sugarplums…perhaps this bowlful of jelly?