Bright Futures

Bright Futures

[Spokesperson bounds on stage]

Spokesperson [enters with great enthusiasm befitting an infomercial salesperson] Are you concerned
about where your child will go to college? Do you know that more and more applications are filed by
more and more students every year? The field is crowded, the schools are selective, what can you do
save your child’s future?

Sad Student 1: I was a valedictorian, captain of three sports, and raised money to save the baby seals
from global warming; I had to go to my safety school and am now working the night shift at McDonalds
and living in my parents’ basement.

Sad Student 2: I had perfect test scores, perfect grades, was a state championship debater and built a
robot in my garage. My only option was going to a state university and I am now living under a bridge
and selling pencils to get by.

Distraught Parent: My daughter took every AP course, slept three hours a night and lived on energy
drinks and pop tarts. She led the diversity club, the dance club, and the meditation and relaxation club,
all while editing three student publications. After being rejected by her first choice school she made a
bier of old student newspapers, doused them with kerosene and immolated herself.

Spokesperson: What can you do so your children will avoid similar fates! How can you save them from
being chewed up and spit out by the cold, cruel college admissions process? Swift College Counseling
has the answers!

[Happy students should wear appropriate college sweatshirts and/or other college gear]

Happy Student 1: Swift college counseling got me into Harvard. I was just an average student and vice
president of a club or two, but the Swift people did some research into my family tree and found that
I had an Indian relative way back who shot an arrow a Custer. So, they arranged for my family and me
to move to a reservation in Montana. I played up the whole Indian thing on my application—and I was
Crimson.

Happy Student 2: I knew I needed to do something special to get into Princeton, but had no idea what.
Swift looked at my portfolio and realized I had room for growth in community service. They found me
a cause—some obscure disease no one had heard of—, ran the fundraisers for me and shot this great
video of it all. The kids they bussed in to play the victims I helped were so cute! And I got in early.

Happy Student 3: I got into Yale with a C average all because of Swift. My parents loved me so much
they followed Swift’s advice and contracted terminal diseases so I would be an orphan. My application
was all out of Dickens and the grief explained the low grades. It was brilliant.

Spokesperson: You too can take steps to protect your child’s future. The college admissions process is
a cutthroat, winner take all, dog eat dog jungle, and we will make sure your son or daughter comes out

on top. Contact Swift College Counseling today for a free assessment of your child’s admission potential.
See our website www.swiftadmit.com or call our hotline 1-800-ADMITME

Take Swift action and be the best parent you can be!

[Spokesperson steps back, lawyer steps forward]

Lawyer: Swift College Counseling is not responsible for any karmic or spiritual harm suffered as a result
of using its services. Eternal damnation, reincarnation as a dung beetle, or other negative outcomes are
the responsibility of the consumer.