Model Behavior at Model UN

he scene opens in a windowless room with several high school students milling around a circle of desks and chairs ending with a large table behind which an older student is seated

Nerdy Girl (Upon entering classroom, announcing to all and yet no one in particular): I’m super duper excited for Model UN (giggles, flips ponytail, pushes glasses back, and takes a seat at the desk closest to the table).

Princess (loudly drawls to student next to here in a bored tone of voice): I wish there were windows in here we are sooooooo hot (fans self lazily with her hand, then checks her flawless manicure). At least my manicure is holding up. Did I tell you that last week I almost had to let Emilia go because she almost put Chanel Orange Blossom instead of Chanel Orange Fizz and I cannot be seen in a polish not in Chanel’s Cote D’Azur Summer 09 collection.

Stoner (gazing distractedly at the Princess): It is so hot (smiles lazily and borderline lecherously at Princess and shouts) Can we open some windows in here?!

Nerdy Girl (in a snotty voice): Objection! There are no windows in this room (smiles at chair trying to gain points for being the first to speak with proper terminology).

Stoner: Duuuuude, I find that answer rather shallow and pedantic, and I wish that the unimaginative delegate from the UAE would see that my comment was really a metaphor- my statement was a call to open our minds, and not the non-existent windows (slumps in chair after this mentally exhausting comment. He has clearly used up his two active brain cells to formulate this comment and promptly completely checks out mentally).

Chair (in a sickly sweet voice, while gripping the gavel firmly): Ok we’re going to do an icebreaker! (claps) Everyone tell a fun fact about themselves!

Nerdy Girl: I’m left handed and Cocoa Beach is my favorite type of Kashi (smiles smugly since she shared two facts- the perennial over-achiever).

Nerdy Boy: I’m a Scorpio and my passions include sushi and jazz (grins at the nerdy girl silently declaring HA, I had three!).

Chair (bangs gavel): I SAID ONE!

Princess: Whatever. Last week I got hit on by TWO Bronfmans on P. Diddy’s yacht in the Maldives (stares at nails and then begins to bbm friends).

Stoner (flips hair, and in neutral voice adds): I like to smoke blunts.

Nerdy Boy (looking aghast): WHAT? Point of Personal Privilege, can you even use that language in these hallowed halls??

Princess (shooting daggers at stoner): No. What are you even doing here?

Stoner (sighs and leans back nonchalantly in chair): I don’t even know man. Someone handed me a sheet of paper, I put my name down and here I am.

Chair (claps hands- apparently her thing, and glances nervously at the students like a caged rabbit. Clearly she fears these youths who are her juniors by at least a decade, clearly she was a loser in high school): Ok kids, let’s get back to the debate!

Time passes as the students chatter amongst themselves

Stoner (pushes chair back and slouches to the chair’s table): I have a resolution I want to present to the chair. It’s called hugs not drugs.

Princess (flipping hair and looks up from bbm-ing momentarily to glare at the stoner): Drugs aren’t even our topic, freak.

Nerdy Boy (sitting up straight in chair as if he had been electrified): Objection, this delegate did not even use proper parliamentary procedure when presenting his proposal!

Princess (squealing and jumping out of seat): Point of Personal Privilege I just got sprayed!

Stoner (in monotone, but eyes laughing): Yo chair, point of personal privilege, can we get a poncho for those in the splash zone?

Chair (laughing nervously): Ha ha ha, well please describe your proposal?

Stoner (coughs, then in serious tone, as if he is presenting a plan to bolster the economy at a G-20 summit): So drugs are a serious problem, and then really mess with people and can ruin lives and families. Hugs on the other hand are great, I mean if you get a hug (glances meaningfully at the princess) you feel so great (she meets his glance with a cold glare, he just chuckles) so whenever someone doesn’t use drugs they get a hug. And to make it even better, we’ll have girls get hugs from Abercrombie models and guys get hugs from Playboy bunnies (again, glances at princess who replies)

Princess: Ewwwww I would NEVER demean myself by doing something so low-brow, so don’t even try to look for me on a cover unless it’s Town & Country (crosses arms dramatically). Ughhhh.

Chair: Ha ha ha. Ok do we have any more questions? (continues nervous glancing).

Several people raise their hands.

Stoner (pointing to people with raised hands, with a huge grin on his face, talking like a cheesy game show announcer): I have a first, a second, a third, a fourth, wow a fifth…any more? Aww yea a fifth, a sixth, come on now, don’t be shy…AND a seventh. Power to the people (punches air dramatically as he says this, and walks out the door).

Curtain

N.B. The characters were not given names to signify that they could by any of us, and were ironically given society’s stereotypes as their sole nomenclature as a subtle criticism of the shallow society in which we live today.