I Could Just Die

woman- (woman walks in frazzled) Oh my God, I am so embarrassed!

man-- Why? What happened?

woman- I- I couldn’t say. It’s just too terrible. But my god! I could just die right now.

man-- You could die?

woman- Yes I could definitely die.

man-- Definitely? Like, now- you are going to die?

woman- Well, I mean, I will die eventually but I’m just saying that right now, I could die.

man-- Oh. (pause while he thinks) Well… I guess I could die too.

woman- Yeah, I guess you could. (takes out gun and points)

man-- Wait! I said I could die, not I will die!

woman- Yeah, but what are you chances of you dying?

man-- Well there’s that 1 in 5 chance of heart disease, 1 in 23 of stroke , 1 in 83,930 by lightning strike, then there is venomous animal bites at 1 in 100,000, and god, 1 in 350,000 chance of an asteroid impact. And I guess now that 1 in 325 chance of assault by firearm. I’m not sure what that number goes up to once you actually have a firearm pointed at your face.

woman- But say I was someplace else, pointing a gun at somebody else’s head. What do you think your chances would be then?

man-- By firearm?

woman- Why not?

man-- Well uh… I guess that 1 in 325 chance.

woman- But what if that person was sitting directly next to you?

man-- Then I guess it would be a little bit higher.

woman- (laughs) I guess so (lowers gun…. lifts up again and holds under her chin, flinging it around as she talks). So what if I was driving in a car going 20 meters per second gaining on the right side of you, who would be traveling in a car going 15 meters per second and another person was driving on the other car on the other side of you at-

man- wait… are you proposing that if you were trying to shoot that person in a car from a car and I was in the middle of the two cars… what… what would be the probability of me being shot?

woman- I guess so.

man- I don’t know.

woman- Well (laughs) I guess I don’t either.

man—(laughs nervously)…. hm. (pause) So uh… what was so embarrassing before? You know, that you could just die over.

woman- Oh my God, it was so embarrassing, I could just kill somebody!