What not to do if you ever start your own cooking show

Chef: Hello folks and welcome to Cooking with Billy “Burn It All” Cooke—that’s with an “e” on the end. Today in this frying pan on high heat I got cookin’ a—[yells towards offstage] Hey Rosie! Will ya bring me some hair gel? I forgot to put some on this morning.—[talking to TV audience again] Rosie’s my kitchen assistant. She’s such a babe! I asked her to marry me three times, but she said no ‘cause she’s underage, plus she says she’d look weird taking a sixty-year-old guy to her senior prom. …I wonder why she’s not comin’ with my hair gel… [Looks perplexed and scratches his head.] Oh yeah, she called in sick today, so she must be hung over or something. I mean, that’s not what she said—she said she had the flu—but whenever I call in sick it’s always ‘cause I’m hung over. Like last week, when they showed that episode of Barney instead of my show, ya know? One second, folks, I think I’m gonna have to go find myself some hair gel, ‘cause I’m always more popular with the ladies when my hair’s slicked back. [Wanders around a bit and returns with a bottle that supposedly contains hair gel, then pretends to apply hair gel.] Okay, now I’m back… so what was I talkin’ ‘bout? Oh, yeah, Rosie… No, hair gel…. No, wait… Barney? Do you folks have any idea what’s that burning smell by the way? Oh, that must be that omelet I was starting to tell ya ‘bout. [Pauses to examine the omelet, and lifts up the pan for the audience to see.] Wow, that is ONE BURNED OMELET folks! I better go find a spatula to get this gunk off my pan—it’s a darn expensive pan by the way, folks… [Wanders off absent-mindedly to search for a spatula.] Note: the chef is a cross between a “creepy old man” and a total hillbilly; accordingly, he has a “hillbilly accent” and would wear something along the lines of a plaid shirt and overalls…