Murder?

Idea: A typical murder mystery/comedy. Guests for a party find one of the guests lying dead at the foot of the stairs. Kind of like Clue, they try to figure out who killed, with what, and why (replacing where).

Characters:

Lisa-a guest

Bob-her husband

Gwen-another guest

Danny-a fourth guest

A maid

Ned-the victim

(Darkness. Scream (Lisa) Lights come up to reveal a large stairway, in the hall of a large mansion. There are the main stairs, and many doors. (See note on Set*) at the bottom, there is someone (Ned) lying at the bottom. Lisa is standing over Ned, having just discovered the body)

Lisa: Oh My God! HELP! Someone! Anyone! HELP!

(Bob, Gwen, and Danny run in.)

Bob: Lisa? What happened? Why are your shout- (Seeing Ned) Oh my God. What happened?

Lisa: I don’t know. I was going to go to the guest bathroom, and I saw Ned lying here at the bottom of the stairs. I went over to him and I realized he was dead!

Gwen: Oh, you poor thing.

Danny: You look pale. Are you all right?

Lisa: I feel like I’m going to faint.

Bob: Here, why don’t you go clean up in the bathroom?

(She exits into the bathroom)

Hey Danny, give me a hand here. Help me move him off the steps.

Danny: Move Him? To where?

Bob: Anywhere. I just don’t want anyone else to see him.

Danny: Look, shouldn’t we call the police. Let them handle it.

Bob: They might think that we killed him.

Danny: And by moving the body, your making yourself seem innocent?

Gwen: Um, I’m no expert, but I think they say not to move the body.

Bob: Who’s “they”?

Gwen: You know, CSI, they hate it when the body is disturbed!

Bob: This is real life Gwen, not TV

Gwen: Yeah, but TV can still be true.

Danny: This is serious. I still say we call the police.

(Lisa enters)

Lisa: Bob, what are we going to do?

Bob: I don’t know!

Danny: SHH! I hear someone coming down the hall.

(They all scramble to hide the body. They pick him up, and place him in the bathroom. All are standing, obviously nervous) (Marie enters)

Maid: Oh, there you all are. I hope you are all enjoying the party. (They meekly chuckle) Your host, Mr. Nathanial wanted me to tell everyone that dinner will be ready soon.

Bob: We’ll …uh... be along shortly. We just have …um…a few... Uh …dead (Lisa jabs him) I mean loose ends to take care of.

Maid: Come soon, it will get cold quick. (She exits, all relax)

Gwen: At this rate, the dinner will be frozen before this is sorted out.

Danny: And we’ll end up in the cooler.

Lisa: Are we still going to call the police, even though we moved body?

Danny: (Simultaneously) Yes!

Bob: (simultaneously) No!

Gwen: Maybe we can figure it out on our own? Won’t that be fun!

Danny: (sarcastically) Oh sure! We’ll eat dinner first, and then have a nice little murder mystery to top the evening off.

Lisa: Do you have any other suggestions?

Danny: I did. But you’ve put the can on it.

Bob: Alright! Everyone just calm down! Let’s think through this logically. What do we know happened?

Gwen: (gleefully) We are gonna try to solve it?!

Bob: Not if we keep bickering. Maybe we can recreate what happened.

(They take the body out and put it back on the steps)

This is where we found him. Do you see any wounds?

Lisa: No. Maybe he fell and broke his neck?

Gwen: Or maybe he was pushed!

Danny: By Whom?

Gwen: I don’t know. Maybe you. (All look at him)

Danny: Me? Never! I wanted to call the police. If I did it, wouldn’t I be opposed to that? Bob didn’t want the police here! He did it!

(All look at Bob)

Bob: Hey! I didn’t do it. The only one likely to have done it is Lisa, but she couldn’t have done it.

Danny: Do you really believe that, or is it just because she’s your wife.

Bob: (outraged) Now just a minute!

Lisa: I am completely innocent. If I did it, I would have hid the body, and no one would have known it happened.

Danny: Then who did it?

Lisa: Well, Gwen likes all this murder stuff. She watches those shows. Maybe she did it and thought she could cover it up!

Gwen: I didn’t do it!

Bob: Alright, let’s stop blaming each other! It could have been anyone else in the house.

(Suddenly, Ned slowly rises. All have their backs turned and don’t realize he is alive)

Danny: He’s right. I mean there are over twenty more people here.

Gwen: Do any of them have a motive?

Bob: One must.

Danny: But who would want Ned dead?

Ned: Definitely not me.

(All turn in amazement)

All: HUH?!!

Lisa: You’re alive?

Ned: Yeah. And I’ve got a killer headache.

Danny: We thought you were dead!

Gwen: We were trying to find out who killed you.

Ned: Well that’s touching.

Bob: So what happened?

Ned: Well, I don’t quite remember. I know I had gone upstairs to see something, but from there I blanked.

Danny: Was there anyone else up there with you?

Ned: There was the maid.

Lisa: Maybe she killed- I mean pushed you.

Bob: But Why?

Gwen: Jealousy?

Bob: Of what?

Gwen: Uh…

Ned: I don’t think the maid pushed me.

Danny: You know, I think you might have just tripped.

Bob: And the fall knocked you unconscious!

Lisa: And we mistook you for dead!

Gwen: (disappointed) Murder was far more interesting though.

Bob: I think you should lay off the crime shows.

Lisa: Well, at least you’re not dead.

(The maid enters)

Maid: What’s taking you all so long? All the other guests have finished eating. What could possibly be more important than the party?

Gwen: Just solving a murder.

Maid: What?

Bob: She’s kidding. (Forcefully) Isn’t that right Gwen?

Gwen: Yeah. (She laughs.)

Danny: Well, I’ve had enough excitement for one night.

(There is a scream offstage)

I spoke to soon.

Lisa: What do you think it is this time?

Gwen: (giddy) Another Murder?!

(The others groan)

Curtain


* For the set, all it truly needs are a few stairs and a door. If necessary, I could probably build it, and put it on wheels for easy moving.