C.K.

Setting: Early morning in an old west saloon.

Characters: “C. K.” a. k. a.: Cowpie Katrina – a large, loud, abrasive, “civic minded” cowgirl and “Bar Keep” a sleep-deprived bar tender who has “seen and heard it all.”

(CK walks in to the saloon.)

CK: Morning, Bar Keep. Yer sign says yer open. How bout ya gimmie one a them supersize Caramel Macchiatos. Oh yeah, make that with 3 shots of yer best hooch.

BK: Commin right up an that’ll be 35 cents. Say, yer a stranger these parts. Whats yer doin up so early?

CK: Got to get outa town. I’m on ma speaking tour you know.

BK: Speaking tour?

CK: Yeah, I was ginin a motivational talk last night down at the Cowgirl Liberation Hall. I’m booked from now til…

BK: Oh. You mean ya don’t mean yer the one that’s got all them cowgirls worked up in a frenzy last night. Yer leavin on the early stage ain’t ya?

CK: Yeah, I think I’ll be leavin pretty soon. But right now I’d like ma Macchiatto sils vous plate.

BK: Say, what’s that C.K. embroidered on yer shirt. You warin some designer outfit or somethin? That’s a bit uppity round here. (Hands over the Macchiato.)

CK: Thems ma initials. Got a problem? Got any respect, or do I gotta teach you something? Sewed them on myself. Pretty good sewin ain’t it?

BK: Oh. No. Sorry, mam. Very sorry. Just wakin up ya know. Anyway, any tip payin customer is king in this establishment? Yer got cash ain’t ya?

CK: Ya kidding! Can ya break a 20?

BK: Well I guess, but I’ll have to open the safe. I need some more bills. Say, what’s “C.K.” stand for any way? (BK opens the safe.)

CK: Gimmie ma change and I’ll tell you. (BK counts out the change) Actually it’s ma professional name, and “K” stands fer Katrina.

BK: And “C” stands fer?

CK: (Takes a long draw on her drink) Hey, that’s a good Macchiato BK, but

I usually don’t share ma first name wid strangers. Kind a personal ya know.

BK: Hell young lady in my profession ma customers tell me everythin. I’m a pro an I’m sworn to confidentiality.

CK: Careful there! I ain’t got no patience wid no sweet talkers. I ain’t young, and I certainly ain’t no lady. And there ain’t ever bin no barkeep that ever kept his mouth shut. So spare me yer bullshit. (BK turns to shut the safe and then turns around wide-eyed.)

BK: Yer face is kinda of familiar. Ain’t I seen it before? Hey, that ain’t you over there on that wanted poster? You ain’t Cowpie Katrina are ya? The one thats, wanted for robbin saloons, holdin up banks, and (gasp) impersonatin a can-can girl?

CK: Hey, you’re a real shapie ain’t ya? Ya finally got it. Yep, that’s me. And you can tell every one of your wonderful customers that I’m gonna give your establishment a 5-star rating. That is if ya don’t waste any more a ma time wid yer smart talk!

BK: (now a bit meek) Oh no, it’s an honor mam.

CK: Aw, yer so sweet. But let me straighten out a few things for ya. First of all ya can relax. I’m a pro just like you and entirely ethical. Now most of that stuff over there is pure legend. Ma agent told me I gotta distinguish ma self. Make ma self something special for my talking tour. Ya know, feed a few stories to the feds and they’ll do all for ya. Free advertising. So that’s a bunch a made up stuff. For example: That inpersonatin a can-can girl. Only part of that’s true. I ain’t NEVER impersonated nobody. Besides as I was telling the cowgirls last night: “Don’t never do anythin a self-respectin man wouldn’t do.” And that holdin up banks an stuff. That’s jus ta add a bit of class. I ain’t dumb enough to be in that business. There ain’t no money in them banks. Them bankers already got it all fer themselves.

BK: Oh, mam I hate to interrupt, but I think the stage is about to leave. I think ya better hurry.

CK: Ah, don’t worry barkeep. I got lots a time. Got ma Hummer is parked just around the corner, an I can leave at ma leisure. Hey you brew a good drink here mister, so how bout a refill?

BK: At your service mam. (Quickly serves another drink)

CK: In fact yer such a sweetie big guy, why don’t ya keep the change? (pulls out her gun) Oh, an by the way, since ya already got yer cash box out, I’ll save ya the trouble of putting it back. I think one of those nice, pretty, little bags ya got will just the right size. Ta, ta!