Swearing Sneakers

Location: Blank stage

Cast: Announcer, Person 1, Person 2, Person 3 (gender nonspecific)

[Announcer starts onstage, Person 1 enters.]

Announcer: Hey! Are you tired of plain old sneakers?

Person 1: Why yes! I am!

Announcer: Than switch to the shoes that make a statement, Swearing Sneakers!

Person 1: Wow… What are they?

Announcer: Swearing Sneakers! Swearing Sneakers make your every step a wake-up call for your ears!

Person 1: How so?

Announcer: Tired of yelling at your neighbor’s dog? Walk on over, and your sneakers will do the work for you! Tired of yelling at their kid running on your lawn? Simply go outside, and your work is done! You’ll never have to swear again! [aside] Doesn’t mean you won’t want to…

Person 1: But what do swearing sneakers really do?

Announcer: Just watch.

Person 2: [Enter from side of stage, saying “Fuck!” for every step taken. Keep walking until exit on other side of stage.]

Announcer: See the attention he gains? That COULD BE YOU!!! Take advantage of the Swearing Sneaker’s patented NeverS.T.F.U. technology! You even can choose between three volumes; loud, extra-loud, and Oh-My-Freaking-God-Blow-Your-Screaming-Brains-Out-Until-You’re-Deaf loud!

Person 1: Wow, I really don’t know what to think!

Announcer: AND, they come in children’s sizes, too, adjusted to fit the child’s fragile psyche!

Person 3: [Enter from side of stage, saying “Not fuck!” for every step taken. Keep walking until exit on other side of stage.]

Announcer: So, do you like them?

Person 1: Like them? I fucking LOVE them!

Announcer: Excuse me?

Person 1: Uh, like them, I fucking love them?

Announcer: What? Oh, my god! Such a mouth! Watch your language, this is supposed to be PG!

Person 1: …What?

Announcer: [thoroughly disgusted] I swear, people like you are the cancer to this society! Your language destroys lives, ruins social events, and makes babies cry tears of blood! Why, people like you should be executed! That’s right, executed! You kill off every moral fiber in your own body, but you don’t stop there! OH NO, YOU JUST KEEP ON GOING! You ruined lives! People have been left invalid by such actions! You know what we should do to people like you? We should take one of these sneakers and shove it right up your—

Person 1: Ok, Ok! I’ll buy your shoes! JUST STOP! [Exit crying]

[Pause, Announcer recovers himself]

Announcer: Well, there we go! Another satisfied customer! [Pause] Hey, don’t you want a pair? Swearing Sneakers! Buy one Now! [Very quickly, as an aside] Warning, these shoes are prohibited by the federal government, and are not valid merchandise. Side effects include fallen arches, crushed feet, and no friends. In rare cases, enraged homicide has been reported. Only available in Cuba. Void where prohibited and prohibited where void. Which is everywhere. [Announcing voice] So don’t swear, let your feet do it for you! Buy one today!