untitled (grandma at the zoo)

Lauren has taken her grandmother to the zoo to spend time with her since she has been away at college and is now home for a while. The Grandmother’s eyesight isn’t as good as it used to be and because of this she is not able to identify a lot of the animals. Making it frustrating for Lauren because her grandmother believes she has the best of eyesight. On top of that the Grandmother is in an older stage of life in which she is not able to hear everything, making it hard for the other people around her to talk to her.

G. (Lauren and Grandma are side-by-side facing the audience and slowly walking) Oooh! Look at all that chicken. I’m hungry! Although I don’t know why you’d put that in a zoo!

L. (laughing) Grandma those aren’t chickens they’re penguins. (They stop in the middle of the stage and stare at the penguins)

G. (Turns head to Lauren) You used to be so smart, what they been teachin you at that college!

L. Grandma I am not stupid I know it’s a penguin. (Facing Grandma but not blocking audience)

G. (Matter of factly) In the 4th grad I took an eye test and had a 20/20 and it definitely hasn’t changed since then. I’m telling you God made you the way you is and I just happen to have 20/20! (nod head up and down with 20/20)

L. Grandma, people’s eyes change as they get older.

G. Are you calling me old?!

L. No! I am just saying that you can’t have perfect eyesight all your life it just doesn’t work that way.

G. Yes. You. Can. Your eyes don’t change they look the same from when you are born until you die!

L. (sighs*) never mind…just trust me it’s a penguin. (long awkward pause where Grandma stares at Lauren)


G. I know it ain’t a penguin because I know (hand on hip) what a chicken look like and that’s a chicken. My mama used to cut them heads off so we could eat’m. I can still remember their l’l bodies runnin around after the head after the head was gone…. Although I don’t know how a chicken can be alive without its head, I sure can’t.

L. Grandma they’re not alive when they do that it’s a reflex

G. A reflux what’s that?

L. No a reflex

G. You wanna relax? Well why didn’t you take a nap before you came?

L. No! (Lauren now articulating her words) I AM NOT TIRED

G. You got fired! What! Why are you telling me this now!?

L. No! I DIDN’T GET FIRED!

G. Then why did you say that! You are driven me crazy! Speak up child!

L. (annoyed) I wanna go home…

G. You need a phone? Well I don’t have one of them thingamajiggers that all those young people have. (Grandma reaching into her purse to get a quarter) Here’s a quarter go find a pay phone.

L. No! (Slowly articulating) I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO OUR HOUSE!

G. You see a mouse! Oh my God! WHERE! WHERE! Smack it! (flinging her purse everywhere) Get it away! GET! IT! AWAY!

L. (Lauren extremely embarrassed because Courtney is making a scene) NO! NO! NO! I didn’t say that!


G. You have got to stop this lyin to me!! (Puts her hand on her heart) My heart can’t take it, you given me a hidle hernia! Lyin is what your mama did, that’s how she ended up with you! (fanning herself)

L. Ugh! (Storms off, exiting stage left)

G. (Grandma slowly following behind) I’m comin baby wait for me!