Shurtz the Musical

Curtain:

Opening number: The Bob Shurtz Dancers dance parading around to the theme of Shaft only instead of saying Shaft, they shout “Shurtz!” This goes on for about 20 seconds…

For each of the following scenes a Bob Shurtz Dancer parades across holding signs describing the location and time:

(Writer’s notes:

I envision the dancers wearing earth tones, perhaps brown jackets, wire rim glasses. Perhaps one in a Michigan tie. Neon hot pants are optional. )

Scene 1: Dancers parade:

Location: Faculty room

Time: 2:30 AM

While Exit Light by Metallica plays:

Shurtz is sleeping curled up on couch in faculty room. The ‘To Grade’ pile is huge and over flowing, the graded pile is empty.

Shurtz is mumbling to himself happy happy thoughts. Ad lib stuff like stokes theorem, gausses law, etc.

Shurtz wakes up shocked. Grabs papers and stuff them into Bob Shurtz book bag aka a box and heads out the door:

Scene 2: Denny’s

Location: Denny’s

Time: 4 AM

In the background, the Dancers sing a song to the tune of Breakfast at Tiffany’s by the band Deep Blue Something

Only the song is Breakfast At Denny’s.

Verse:

There is so much work to grade…

No idea where to start from

And you are falling behind

Multivariable has come between physics

BC calc never stops

And you have more to teach…

CHORUS:
And we said what about, Breakfast at Denny’s?

You said “I think I’ll have the grand slam”

And can I get, bacon, and maybe some sausage

And don’t forget a mega cup of coffee.”

In the foreground, Shurtz is at a table with stack o’ papers,

Dancers paraded on by pouring syrup, coffee and blood on the tests (some artistic license here where three dancers fling confetti from buckets labeled syrup, coffee, blood)


Scene: Calc Class

Location: Classroom

Time: 9 AM

The Dancers are sitting as students backs to audience, facing Shurtz.

Shurtz raps:

If d-dx of ex

is ex again.

Then what is d- du of eu, foo’!

secant, cosine,

tangent, sine,

3.14159.

Divergent?

Convergenet?

Ratio test has failed

l'hospital got this nailed!

Free style beat box…

Scene:

Location: School meeting. Time: School meeting time

The Dancers are singing the Alma Mater (I can’t think of a better song but I think there are better choices)

The Dancers form a wall.

Shurtz runs forward, bursts through the dancers, in typical Shurtzian posture, adjusts glasses, and makes LOUD announcement about something about debate. Ad lib here

Scene:

Location:Physics class

Time: After lunch

Shurtz stands there. While a dancer playing the role student with a rolling suitcase/backpack enters…(Other Dancers are off to stage. This is dramatic duet.)

Suitcase boy sings a duet with Bob to the tune of Back Street Boys I want it that way:

Chorus of the song

Suitcase boy: Teach me thermo

Bob: Ain;t nothin’ but delta U

Suitcase: Teach me E-mech

Bob: Inelastics or elastic

Suitcase: Teach me light…

Bob: E equals h nu…

Unision: E equals h…nu…


Final Scene: The fan scene.

Location: AP Physics

Time: end of day

Entire scene is in slo-mo

Some sorta dramatic music like Chariots of Fire

Ceiling fan whirls round and round (fans are blades held and twirled by the Bob Shurtz Dancers)

Shurtz in usual spastic glory…Begins to hammer home a point (perhaps in german accent) and then it happens…

Shurtz jumps onto table,

Fan blade hits it on the head.

Falls to ground…

A curly haired, lanky student with a courier bag strap diagonally across his chest leaps up and runs towards him. Screaming NOOOOOoooooooooooooooo.

Shurtz on ground, being held in arms like the final scene of many war movies, student crying “But I have more to learn…I have more to learn…teach me oh wise one, teach me!!!!!!!!”

Shurtz lifts his head, in final gasps yells: “Units! Units!” And then collapses.

The End





Playwright's Note:
Music can be updated to something more modern, these are just songs that I know. Many more would fit.

If I am so fortunate to have this play choosen, there are some Shurtzian students who are not in the current spring play cast who would love to be a Bob Shurtz Dancer if possible. It would be an honor for them to salute their teacher this way. If not, that is okay too.