Man walks on stage with a large knife, and a cutting board while dragging a watermelon behind him in a large sack.
Man arrives at a table with a chair, pulls out the chair, sets the cutting board onto the table with a definitive slapping noise, and retrieves the melon out of the bag.
He then proceeds to carve the melon and eat it until 1:55 where he declares with great vitality “this is the most delicious melon I have ever tasted”.
Curtain.
Standing ovation.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
The Objection
Cast:
Auctioneer
Man 1- The objector
Man 2
Man 3
Man 4
Pig Man- just a guy wearing a pig nose and “standing” on all 4s.
Prop List:
Box or chair for auctioneer to stand on
Pig nose
Note: pig man is at liberty to make random snorting noises throughout
Auctioneer: Starting 50 dollars for this enormous pig here. Biggest pig I’ve ever seen sir, wouldn’t lie to you sir, have a look!
Man 2: Why a fine hog indeed and at fifty a steal!
Auctioneer: I have 50 dollars anybody 100 dollars lovely juicy pig here it’ll bring you pride at the state fair! Only 100 dollar bill!
Man 3: ONE HUNDRED
Auctioneer: I have 100 dollars anybody 200 dollars only 200 dollar pig!
Man 2: 200 dollars
Man 3: 300!
Auctioneer: only 300 dollar pig here, I’ve never seen one any-where near as large as this one is! I have 300 anybody 400 dollars? 400 400 anybody 400---
Man 1: Now hold on a second! This is no pig!
Man 3: *cough in disbelief* What do you mean by this?
Man 1: I mean THIS is not a pig, BUT A MAN!
Man 4: No it isn’t. Look at its nose, finest nose I’ve ever seen. 500 dollars.
Auctioneer: I have 500 dollars anybody---
Man 1: Would you shut up a minute? This is just a man wearing a pig nose!
Man 3: You just don’t want us to buy it so you might get a better deal! 600 dollars for the hog!
Auctioneer: 600 dollars only 700 anybody? Lovely pig here, fattest anywhere near only 700 dollar bill!
Man 1: this is ridiculous!
Man 4: Ill have this pig, 1000 dollars.
Auctioneer: Sold 1000 dollars!!!
Man 4.
Curtain.
Aplause.
Auctioneer
Man 1- The objector
Man 2
Man 3
Man 4
Pig Man- just a guy wearing a pig nose and “standing” on all 4s.
Prop List:
Box or chair for auctioneer to stand on
Pig nose
Note: pig man is at liberty to make random snorting noises throughout
Auctioneer
Man 2: Why a fine hog indeed and at fifty a steal!
Auctioneer
Man 3: ONE HUNDRED
Auctioneer
Man 2: 200 dollars
Man 3
Auctioneer: only 300 dollar pig here, I’ve never seen one any-where near as large as this one is!
Man 1: Now hold on a second! This is no pig!
Man 3: *cough in disbelief* What do you mean by this?
Man 1: I mean THIS is not a pig, BUT A MAN!
Man 4: No it isn’t. Look at its nose, finest nose I’ve ever seen. 500 dollars.
Auctioneer: I have 500 dollars anybody---
Man 1: Would you shut up a minute? This is just a man wearing a pig nose!
Man 3: You just don’t want us to buy it so you might get a better deal! 600 dollars for the hog!
Auctioneer: 600 dollars only 700 anybody? Lovely pig here, fattest anywhere near only 700 dollar bill!
Man 1
Man 4: Ill have this pig, 1000 dollars.
Auctioneer: Sold 1000 dollars!!!
Man 4
Curtain.
Aplause.
Hoyotoho Hoyotoho
Music Plays: Act III Scene I Hoyotoho! Hoyotoho!
By 0:11 three typical students enter stage left, right and center and form a triangle with one in front. All of their arms are spread out as if to pretend they had wings like airplanes. All three students move in unison around the state and audience, slowly at first and then in unison with the tempo of the music.
At 1:15 three teachers enter preferably with glasses with cords that hold them around their necks and homework visibly graded with Ds or Fs. This group moves aggressively and flies at the first group who dodges in unison and then charges in return. Each charge should result in one teacher/student dropping to the ground until all three from group 2 are gone and 2 from group 1 remain.
Scene at 2:01 on the song.
Alt. Costume: Originally written as allies vs axis but I determined the new format would be more unconventional. The two groups can really be replaced with any conflicting groups.
By 0:11 three typical students enter stage left, right and center and form a triangle with one in front. All of their arms are spread out as if to pretend they had wings like airplanes. All three students move in unison around the state and audience, slowly at first and then in unison with the tempo of the music.
At 1:15 three teachers enter preferably with glasses with cords that hold them around their necks and homework visibly graded with Ds or Fs. This group moves aggressively and flies at the first group who dodges in unison and then charges in return. Each charge should result in one teacher/student dropping to the ground until all three from group 2 are gone and 2 from group 1 remain.
Scene at 2:01 on the song.
Alt. Costume: Originally written as allies vs axis but I determined the new format would be more unconventional. The two groups can really be replaced with any conflicting groups.
Our World
Speech is read while “dare you to move” by switchfoot plays in the background http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkFQ3w9VXNM&feature=related
If the world were a village,
If we all were condensed into one small community where
80 live in substandard housing
67 are unable to read
50 are malnourished and 1 dying of starvation
33 are without access to a safe water supply
39 lack access to improved sanitation
24 do not have any electricity (And of the 76 that do
have electricity, most would only use it for light at night.)
7 people have access to the Internet
1 has a college education
1 has HIV
3 are slaves
Would you help?
Said softly but powerfully:
If your grandma did not have a house, if your sister was malnourished, if your parents were slaves… would you help?
More agitated, with emphasis on underlined words:
Why are the people across the ocean, or the continent, or even across the state so different?
Why can we just ignore them? Because they do not have a voice? Because we don’t have to look at them? Because we have never meet them?
Now almost angry:
Why can we fall asleep at night with a full stomach and a happy conscience while PEOPLE, real people die?
More calm:
They aren’t another species; they have arms and legs and faces and even hearts just like ours.
Rising louder:
They hurt just as much as we do, they can feel as much as we can, they are our family.
Softly: And yet, and yet… there are still people dying and there are still babies crying.
Powerfully:
Could you do more to help them ?
Would you do more if you had met them?
Will you do more?
Music fades out
*Facts about the “World Village” from: http://www.familycare.org/news/if_the_world.htm*
If the world were a village,
If we all were condensed into one small community where
80 live in substandard housing
67 are unable to read
50 are malnourished and 1 dying of starvation
33 are without access to a safe water supply
39 lack access to improved sanitation
24 do not have any electricity (And of the 76 that do
have electricity, most would only use it for light at night.)
7 people have access to the Internet
1 has a college education
1 has HIV
3 are slaves
Would you help?
Said softly but powerfully:
If your grandma did not have a house, if your sister was malnourished, if your parents were slaves… would you help?
More agitated, with emphasis on underlined words:
Why are the people across the ocean, or the continent, or even across the state so different?
Why can we just ignore them? Because they do not have a voice? Because we don’t have to look at them? Because we have never meet them?
Now almost angry:
Why can we fall asleep at night with a full stomach and a happy conscience while PEOPLE, real people die?
More calm:
They aren’t another species; they have arms and legs and faces and even hearts just like ours.
Rising louder:
They hurt just as much as we do, they can feel as much as we can, they are our family.
Softly: And yet, and yet… there are still people dying and there are still babies crying.
Powerfully:
Could you do more to help them ?
Would you do more if you had met them?
Will you do more?
Music fades out
*Facts about the “World Village” from: http://www.familycare.org/news/if_the_world.htm*
Unfinished Carvings
Characters: Evie and Me (Narrator, Child in background, and me at a resolution point as a teenager)
Setting- At a small farm in the village of Waite Hill, Ohio. There sits an art studio separate from our farm house that was once used by my Grandmother Evie and me. The studio is filled with the saw tables, stools, and wood carving tools my Grandmother often used to create her art. Inside, my Grandmother Evie is seen on her stool busily cutting away at the wooden tortoise that would soon comfort me as I grew older. The tortoise was created out of my Grandmother’s passion for reading a children’s book called “Toby The Tortoise” to me each night before I went to bed. On stage, my grandmother and I will be carving together while in the background, the narrator at stage left will read a passage from the book. Here is what I imagine the scene to look like:
Narrator (me as a child): Shavings of wood fall gently and slowly to the floor as our knives in simultaneous motion cut the edges of our sculptures. I eagerly try to saw the wood I am carving, but as a seven year-old child, find much difficulty in doing so. I turn to my Grandmother Evie, eyeing the passion she puts into the art she creates. At the same time, I wonder if I could carve an amazing piece of art too, perhaps a blue dolphin. Not wanting to temper my enthusiasm, yet recognizing my limited skills, my grandmother gently encourages me to carve simple pieces first. Only months later am I ready to begin carving a dolphin.
Scene shifts- Years later I face the loss of my Grandmother Evie
Narrator (Fifth grader): I walk into an empty hallway outside my fifth grade class, approaching the door that, up until now, I have always entered with a smiling face. This time I feel differently. It is Valentine’s Day and I discover a class full of joyful fifth graders. The walls are decorated in red and pink, colors that warm our hearts. My classmates are laughing and playing while I stand alone, noticing how much a holiday impacts our lives. Too bad the holiday has not made me cheerful; my grandmother died the day before. I don’t think anything or anyone except my grandmother can make me happy. My teacher notices my sadness and walks over slowly. Giving me a hug, she is the only one who really feels empathy for me. The rest of the day continues slowly, almost never ending.
Narrator (as a junior in high school) - An unpainted dolphin lies on the shelf of a dusty cabinet, hidden behind furniture and equipment once used quite often. Remnants of carvings are scattered on tables and shelves. Spider webs hang low from the ceiling, almost shielding the light. I wipe the table with my finger, collecting dust and dirt. The light from the sun tries to shine through the window, but the old glass window resists, creating a dark and lonesome aura. I open the dusty cabinet, carefully removing the dolphin from its shelf. I sit down at the table, eager to paint my unfinished dolphin.
Reaching a resolution-(Me Speaking): This studio I visit is not just a room to use, but a sanctuary, a sanctuary for my sadness and a place gleaming with my grandmother’s memories, her laughter, and her smiles that could make anyone happy. Ever since kindergarten, my grandmother encouraged me to explore art and nature. On weekends, I sat with her in the studio while she carved elaborate birds. One day, my grandmother gave me a turtle she had carved for me. Today, the turtle, Toby, sits with me as well as the story book from which he was created. Everywhere I find grandmother’s presence. My resolution in life is not to dwell on her passing away, but continue what finding happiness in what we both shared. I create art in memory of my grandmother. She was not a grandmother but someone who influenced me to find who I am today.
(Gazing at the dusty shelves and unfinished carvings, I reach down and pick up the carving tools, eager to finish what my grandmother had started.)
Narrator: As we grow older we find that much of what we had in the past influences who we become in the future. The art I create will always bring me back to my childhood. In the future I’ll cross the threshold into the studio with more passion than ever before, creating all that connects me to my past. Every child grows to love one aspect of life. My love for art will always remain with me.
The End
Setting- At a small farm in the village of Waite Hill, Ohio. There sits an art studio separate from our farm house that was once used by my Grandmother Evie and me. The studio is filled with the saw tables, stools, and wood carving tools my Grandmother often used to create her art. Inside, my Grandmother Evie is seen on her stool busily cutting away at the wooden tortoise that would soon comfort me as I grew older. The tortoise was created out of my Grandmother’s passion for reading a children’s book called “Toby The Tortoise” to me each night before I went to bed. On stage, my grandmother and I will be carving together while in the background, the narrator at stage left will read a passage from the book. Here is what I imagine the scene to look like:
Narrator (me as a child): Shavings of wood fall gently and slowly to the floor as our knives in simultaneous motion cut the edges of our sculptures. I eagerly try to saw the wood I am carving, but as a seven year-old child, find much difficulty in doing so. I turn to my Grandmother Evie, eyeing the passion she puts into the art she creates. At the same time, I wonder if I could carve an amazing piece of art too, perhaps a blue dolphin. Not wanting to temper my enthusiasm, yet recognizing my limited skills, my grandmother gently encourages me to carve simple pieces first. Only months later am I ready to begin carving a dolphin.
Scene shifts- Years later I face the loss of my Grandmother Evie
Narrator (Fifth grader): I walk into an empty hallway outside my fifth grade class, approaching the door that, up until now, I have always entered with a smiling face. This time I feel differently. It is Valentine’s Day and I discover a class full of joyful fifth graders. The walls are decorated in red and pink, colors that warm our hearts. My classmates are laughing and playing while I stand alone, noticing how much a holiday impacts our lives. Too bad the holiday has not made me cheerful; my grandmother died the day before. I don’t think anything or anyone except my grandmother can make me happy. My teacher notices my sadness and walks over slowly. Giving me a hug, she is the only one who really feels empathy for me. The rest of the day continues slowly, almost never ending.
Narrator (as a junior in high school) - An unpainted dolphin lies on the shelf of a dusty cabinet, hidden behind furniture and equipment once used quite often. Remnants of carvings are scattered on tables and shelves. Spider webs hang low from the ceiling, almost shielding the light. I wipe the table with my finger, collecting dust and dirt. The light from the sun tries to shine through the window, but the old glass window resists, creating a dark and lonesome aura. I open the dusty cabinet, carefully removing the dolphin from its shelf. I sit down at the table, eager to paint my unfinished dolphin.
Reaching a resolution-(Me Speaking): This studio I visit is not just a room to use, but a sanctuary, a sanctuary for my sadness and a place gleaming with my grandmother’s memories, her laughter, and her smiles that could make anyone happy. Ever since kindergarten, my grandmother encouraged me to explore art and nature. On weekends, I sat with her in the studio while she carved elaborate birds. One day, my grandmother gave me a turtle she had carved for me. Today, the turtle, Toby, sits with me as well as the story book from which he was created. Everywhere I find grandmother’s presence. My resolution in life is not to dwell on her passing away, but continue what finding happiness in what we both shared. I create art in memory of my grandmother. She was not a grandmother but someone who influenced me to find who I am today.
(Gazing at the dusty shelves and unfinished carvings, I reach down and pick up the carving tools, eager to finish what my grandmother had started.)
Narrator: As we grow older we find that much of what we had in the past influences who we become in the future. The art I create will always bring me back to my childhood. In the future I’ll cross the threshold into the studio with more passion than ever before, creating all that connects me to my past. Every child grows to love one aspect of life. My love for art will always remain with me.
The End
Typewriter Club
Characters:
BOY
GIRL
5 PASSERSBY
A table is set up in the center of the stage with a chair on the right side, and one on the left side, facing each other. The BOY and the GIRL enter from opposite wings, each carrying a bag. They acknowledge each other with nods and smiles. They sit at the table and out of her bag; the GIRL pulls a big, old fashioned typewriter. With difficulty she pulls it onto the table and sets it in front of her. Blowing the dust off the keys, she begins to type with some trouble. Watching this, the BOY laughs to himself and reaches into his own bag. He pulls out a shiny, new laptop computer and sets it in front of him. With a confident sneer, he begins to type on his fancy new gadget.
The 5 PASSERSBY Enter, one by one
They seem to be hurriedly rushing past at first, but when they notice the typewriter; they stop dead in their tracks and form a crowd around the GIRL. They talk quietly among themselves, whispering things like “Oooooh!” and “How cool!” and “Where did she get it?” The GIRL smiles proudly, and the BOY just looks confused. Suddenly, one PASSERBY speaks up.
PASSERBY: Let’s make a Typewriter Club!
The GIRL immediately stands up and carries the typewriter a few steps forward. She sets it on the ground, and stands beside it, while the 5 PASSERSBY form a semi-circle behind her. They begin to chant:
PASSERSBY: Type-Writer! Type-Writer! Type-Writer!
As they chant, then move their fists up and down, raise their hands into the air, and shuffle their feet in enthusiasm. To the rhythm of the chanting, the GIRL begins an interpretive dance around the Typewriter, and the Passersby observe with jubilance.
Annoyed and offended, the Boy closes his laptop, and stuffs it back in his bag rather forcefully. He stands and looks at the Club, at first angrily, and then sadly, as he realizes he would like to be part of their group. Anyway, he picks up his bag and walks indignantly off the stage.
The chanting and dancing continues for a few seconds, and they stops, and all the actors remaining on stage freeze for a moment before the…
CURTAIN
BOY
GIRL
5 PASSERSBY
A table is set up in the center of the stage with a chair on the right side, and one on the left side, facing each other. The BOY and the GIRL enter from opposite wings, each carrying a bag. They acknowledge each other with nods and smiles. They sit at the table and out of her bag; the GIRL pulls a big, old fashioned typewriter. With difficulty she pulls it onto the table and sets it in front of her. Blowing the dust off the keys, she begins to type with some trouble. Watching this, the BOY laughs to himself and reaches into his own bag. He pulls out a shiny, new laptop computer and sets it in front of him. With a confident sneer, he begins to type on his fancy new gadget.
The 5 PASSERSBY Enter, one by one
They seem to be hurriedly rushing past at first, but when they notice the typewriter; they stop dead in their tracks and form a crowd around the GIRL. They talk quietly among themselves, whispering things like “Oooooh!” and “How cool!” and “Where did she get it?” The GIRL smiles proudly, and the BOY just looks confused. Suddenly, one PASSERBY speaks up.
PASSERBY: Let’s make a Typewriter Club!
The GIRL immediately stands up and carries the typewriter a few steps forward. She sets it on the ground, and stands beside it, while the 5 PASSERSBY form a semi-circle behind her. They begin to chant:
PASSERSBY: Type-Writer! Type-Writer! Type-Writer!
As they chant, then move their fists up and down, raise their hands into the air, and shuffle their feet in enthusiasm. To the rhythm of the chanting, the GIRL begins an interpretive dance around the Typewriter, and the Passersby observe with jubilance.
Annoyed and offended, the Boy closes his laptop, and stuffs it back in his bag rather forcefully. He stands and looks at the Club, at first angrily, and then sadly, as he realizes he would like to be part of their group. Anyway, he picks up his bag and walks indignantly off the stage.
The chanting and dancing continues for a few seconds, and they stops, and all the actors remaining on stage freeze for a moment before the…
CURTAIN
Paper
Characters:
STUDENT
PERSON 1
PERSON 2
PERSON 3
PERSON 4
The STUDENT walks straight across the stage, from one wing to the other, without stopping or acknowledging the audience. He (or she) is carrying a large, overstuffed backpack which is partially unzipped and full with loose papers to the point of overflowing. The STUDENT is also carrying a few notebooks and binders in his arms, which (evidently) couldn’t fit in the backpack. During his quick journey past the audience, he accidentally drops one of the papers, a blank, perfectly white sheet of paper, which lands in the center of the stage, and which he leaves behind without realizing he has dropped it.
As soon as he has left the stage, PERSONS 1-4 enter, two from each wing. They walk very, very slowly (as if with caution) raising their legs higher than one usually would when walking normally, making it look like they are dancing. They meet in the center of the stage and form a circle, seemingly accidentally. Then, they all look down and see the paper that the STUDENT has just dropped.
PERSONS 1-4: Ooooooooh! What’s this?
They speak simultaneously, with an almost musical quality to their voices. They reach down, each grabbing the paper by one corner. They hold it aloft and begin to move around as they inspect it. As he stumbles, one PERSON unintentionally pulls the paper, and a tug of war begins. They each pull on their respective corners until, eventually, the paper rips.
PERSONS 1-4: It’s broken.
Again, their simultaneous speech is eerie and musical. Now, thinking that the paper is ruined, they drop the fragments onto the floor and walk casually walk of the stage.
CURTAIN
STUDENT
PERSON 1
PERSON 2
PERSON 3
PERSON 4
The STUDENT walks straight across the stage, from one wing to the other, without stopping or acknowledging the audience. He (or she) is carrying a large, overstuffed backpack which is partially unzipped and full with loose papers to the point of overflowing. The STUDENT is also carrying a few notebooks and binders in his arms, which (evidently) couldn’t fit in the backpack. During his quick journey past the audience, he accidentally drops one of the papers, a blank, perfectly white sheet of paper, which lands in the center of the stage, and which he leaves behind without realizing he has dropped it.
As soon as he has left the stage, PERSONS 1-4 enter, two from each wing. They walk very, very slowly (as if with caution) raising their legs higher than one usually would when walking normally, making it look like they are dancing. They meet in the center of the stage and form a circle, seemingly accidentally. Then, they all look down and see the paper that the STUDENT has just dropped.
PERSONS 1-4: Ooooooooh! What’s this?
They speak simultaneously, with an almost musical quality to their voices. They reach down, each grabbing the paper by one corner. They hold it aloft and begin to move around as they inspect it. As he stumbles, one PERSON unintentionally pulls the paper, and a tug of war begins. They each pull on their respective corners until, eventually, the paper rips.
PERSONS 1-4: It’s broken.
Again, their simultaneous speech is eerie and musical. Now, thinking that the paper is ruined, they drop the fragments onto the floor and walk casually walk of the stage.
CURTAIN
Sickie and Shopper
Two people on the phone with each other, one is very sick. Shopper left stage looking at an imaginary shelf, sick person stage right, flopped in a chair. Congested, coughing, hard to understand.
Sickie: Hi honey, are you at the store yet? (Aye on-ie, are youuu at the toure yet?)
Shopper: Yes, What did you need again? I’m standing in the medicine aisle
Sickie: I need a decongestant, and cough drops. (Aye neeeeed a de-con-jest-dint, and gouf drops)
Shopper: Umm, you need a delicatessen and a golf drugs?
Sickie: NO! I need a decongestant, and cough drops. (NOOO! Aye neeeeed a de-con-jest-dint, and gouf drops) *COUGH COUGH COUGH*
Shopper: You need a dead contestant? OH, and cough drops…? *pulling things off shelf*
Sickie: NO! Your being stupid, I need a decongestant, and yes, cough drops (NOOO! Jour been’ tupid, Aye neeeeed a de-con-jest-dint, and jes gouf drops) *Sneeze, blow nose into phone*
Shopper: I have no idea what you’re saying, for all I know it could be dead intestine. Let’s just start with the cough drops.
Sickie: I want the fruit breezers, the blue berry kind. (Aye went de brute teasers, de brew very gind)
Shopper: Umm, I guess I can find the brew cherry kind, what else did you want?
Sickie: Decongestant, the drip freezers (De-con-jest-dint, the dwip teaser)
Shopper: YOU WHAT -- A STRIP TEASER!?!
Sickie: NO! You know what, let me just text you (NO! joo dough what, wet me just dext joo)
Scene
Sickie: Hi honey, are you at the store yet? (Aye on-ie, are youuu at the toure yet?)
Shopper: Yes, What did you need again? I’m standing in the medicine aisle
Sickie: I need a decongestant, and cough drops. (Aye neeeeed a de-con-jest-dint, and gouf drops)
Shopper: Umm, you need a delicatessen and a golf drugs?
Sickie: NO! I need a decongestant, and cough drops. (NOOO! Aye neeeeed a de-con-jest-dint, and gouf drops) *COUGH COUGH COUGH*
Shopper: You need a dead contestant? OH, and cough drops…? *pulling things off shelf*
Sickie: NO! Your being stupid, I need a decongestant, and yes, cough drops (NOOO! Jour been’ tupid, Aye neeeeed a de-con-jest-dint, and jes gouf drops) *Sneeze, blow nose into phone*
Shopper: I have no idea what you’re saying, for all I know it could be dead intestine. Let’s just start with the cough drops.
Sickie: I want the fruit breezers, the blue berry kind. (Aye went de brute teasers, de brew very gind)
Shopper: Umm, I guess I can find the brew cherry kind, what else did you want?
Sickie: Decongestant, the drip freezers (De-con-jest-dint, the dwip teaser)
Shopper: YOU WHAT -- A STRIP TEASER!?!
Sickie: NO! You know what, let me just text you (NO! joo dough what, wet me just dext joo)
Scene
facebook horror
Lone person sitting at desk with computer, on facebook, another standing at microphone to be voice of notifications
Notifications: One new notification, your friend like your photo
Person: Ok…
Notification: One new notification, your friend tagged you in the album, “why are my friends so pretty”
-silence-
Notification: Three new notifications, Jessica, Mark and Oliver commented on a photo of you
Person: Jessica – Your face is ugly
Mark – hahaha yeah
Oliver – Look, I’m in the background
…-sigh- so much for being so pretty
Notification: You were tagged in the photo, tagged all of your friends
Person: Oh wow…I have to work on that paper….
-30 minutes later, returns to check facebook-
Person: I wonder if Megan sent me that picture yet on facebook?
Notification: You have 300 notifications, Mark, Jessica and Oliver commented on a photo of you
Notifications: One new notification, your friend like your photo
Person: Ok…
Notification: One new notification, your friend tagged you in the album, “why are my friends so pretty”
-silence-
Notification: Three new notifications, Jessica, Mark and Oliver commented on a photo of you
Person: Jessica – Your face is ugly
Mark – hahaha yeah
Oliver – Look, I’m in the background
…-sigh- so much for being so pretty
Notification: You were tagged in the photo, tagged all of your friends
Person: Oh wow…I have to work on that paper….
-30 minutes later, returns to check facebook-
Person: I wonder if Megan sent me that picture yet on facebook?
Notification: You have 300 notifications, Mark, Jessica and Oliver commented on a photo of you
Organ Donation
People strewn about stage, ten people, lying on their backs, “dead”
There is one person walking around with shirt with removable organs on the front their shirt, while walking around the stage, giving one organ to each person on the floor. When they receive an organ the stand up to signify being “alive”.
Once everyone is up they stand together and simultaneously say,
“Give Life, donate organs.”
There is one person walking around with shirt with removable organs on the front their shirt, while walking around the stage, giving one organ to each person on the floor. When they receive an organ the stand up to signify being “alive”.
Once everyone is up they stand together and simultaneously say,
“Give Life, donate organs.”
Question
1: hey do you have any?
2: no sorry,
1: hey hey do you have any?
3: no sorry, it’s my car
1: do you have any?
4: um yeah I got it from him, but don’t tell him I told you
1: (approaching said guy) hey do you have any?
5: no I just gave him my last
1: ugh come on dude
5: I always give you some
1: please!
5: alright fine, but this is my last piece of stride so don’t ask me any more
2: no sorry,
1: hey hey do you have any?
3: no sorry, it’s my car
1: do you have any?
4: um yeah I got it from him, but don’t tell him I told you
1: (approaching said guy) hey do you have any?
5: no I just gave him my last
1: ugh come on dude
5: I always give you some
1: please!
5: alright fine, but this is my last piece of stride so don’t ask me any more
Phone Call
1: declaration that things aren’t working
2: agreement, declaration that things need to be worked on
1: mild agreement
2: declaration of love
1: mild agreement
2: question of love
1: (silence)
2: question
1: repeated declaration that things aren’t working
2: question of ending things
1: agreement
2: disbelief
1: disconnected comment
2: upset yelling
1: apology
2: really upset yelling
1: apology
2: crying
1: declaration of eternal love but remark again that things are too hard
2: declaration of hate
1: apology
2: expression of hate
1: agreement that that is deserved
2: expression of hate
1: agreement that hate is deserved
2: silence/crying
1: apology
2: expression of how an apology doesn’t matter, remark about child like behavior and never growing up to face things when they get hard. Yelling about disbelief that things are over with out a fight. Expression of total hurt and disbelief that this could happen
1: Apology, comment of feeling imprisoned
2: stunned silence
1: silence
2: goodbye, remark about maybe if things are different in the future…
1: mild agreement
2: crying goodbye
1: goodbye
2: declaration of hurt
1: apology
2: agreement of apology
1: silence
2: goodbye.
2: agreement, declaration that things need to be worked on
1: mild agreement
2: declaration of love
1: mild agreement
2: question of love
1: (silence)
2: question
1: repeated declaration that things aren’t working
2: question of ending things
1: agreement
2: disbelief
1: disconnected comment
2: upset yelling
1: apology
2: really upset yelling
1: apology
2: crying
1: declaration of eternal love but remark again that things are too hard
2: declaration of hate
1: apology
2: expression of hate
1: agreement that that is deserved
2: expression of hate
1: agreement that hate is deserved
2: silence/crying
1: apology
2: expression of how an apology doesn’t matter, remark about child like behavior and never growing up to face things when they get hard. Yelling about disbelief that things are over with out a fight. Expression of total hurt and disbelief that this could happen
1: Apology, comment of feeling imprisoned
2: stunned silence
1: silence
2: goodbye, remark about maybe if things are different in the future…
1: mild agreement
2: crying goodbye
1: goodbye
2: declaration of hurt
1: apology
2: agreement of apology
1: silence
2: goodbye.
LGBTQ
This is a simple expression of the LBGTQ movement:
Person walks to center stage wearing all black. They unfurl a rainbow flag, and stand s silently while “I was married” by Tegan and Sara plays in the background. (Lyrics below)
I married in the sun.
(Tell me where, tell me where)
Against the stone of buildings built before,
You and I were born.
(Start again, start again)
Into my heart confusion grows against;
The muscles fought so long,
(Fought so long)
To control against the pull of one magnet to another.
Magnet to another,
Magnet.
Now we look up in,
(Tell me who, tell me who)
Into the eyes of bullies breaking backs.
They seem so very tough,
(It's a lie, it's a lie)
They seem so very scared of us.
I look into the mirror,
(Look into)
For evil that just does not exist.
I don't see what they see.
(Tell them that, tell them that)
Try to control the pull of one magnet to another.
Magnet to another,
Magnet to another,
Magnet to another.
Person walks to center stage wearing all black. They unfurl a rainbow flag, and stand s silently while “I was married” by Tegan and Sara plays in the background. (Lyrics below)
I married in the sun.
(Tell me where, tell me where)
Against the stone of buildings built before,
You and I were born.
(Start again, start again)
Into my heart confusion grows against;
The muscles fought so long,
(Fought so long)
To control against the pull of one magnet to another.
Magnet to another,
Magnet.
Now we look up in,
(Tell me who, tell me who)
Into the eyes of bullies breaking backs.
They seem so very tough,
(It's a lie, it's a lie)
They seem so very scared of us.
I look into the mirror,
(Look into)
For evil that just does not exist.
I don't see what they see.
(Tell them that, tell them that)
Try to control the pull of one magnet to another.
Magnet to another,
Magnet to another,
Magnet to another.
Letter from Palin
Sarah sitting at a desk, reading and writing a letter to her daughter Bristol.
Dear Bristol,
As I watched you grow up, I know that you will lead my movement of the radical right into the future. Your confidence and courage will carry you and this movement into the forefront of the political scene. I have seen that courage in the way you handled the birth of your first child, Trig. Your crafty lies to the media and the public have demonstrated your capability to live in the searching spotlight. The way that you dealt with the damn liberal media (who like to paint a negative image of us, by prying into our business and what they call the “truth”) was absolutely awe inspiring. Although I took Trig as my own and used him as an icon for the pro-life movement I am sure he will always look up to you as his real mother who knows her way around the media. You and Trig are destined to achieve great things *Wink* you betcha’ you will.
When you look at all the political opportunities they range from being a mayor to, *sigh*, the president of the United States of America. If you don’t make it all the way to the top, even as the mayor of a small town of 6,300 people, as I once said to former city council member, Nick Carney, “I'm the mayor; I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.” You too will be able to exercise this amazing power to impose your maverick views on the oblivious public. *Wink*
Don’t fear if you feel you are completely unqualified to do something. Just look at me, I almost got full control to the senate. I attended five schools in six years, and just you wait until 2012 when I get control of the white house and rule over this nation of Joe-six-packs and hockey moms.
Dear Bristol,
As I watched you grow up, I know that you will lead my movement of the radical right into the future. Your confidence and courage will carry you and this movement into the forefront of the political scene. I have seen that courage in the way you handled the birth of your first child, Trig. Your crafty lies to the media and the public have demonstrated your capability to live in the searching spotlight. The way that you dealt with the damn liberal media (who like to paint a negative image of us, by prying into our business and what they call the “truth”) was absolutely awe inspiring. Although I took Trig as my own and used him as an icon for the pro-life movement I am sure he will always look up to you as his real mother who knows her way around the media. You and Trig are destined to achieve great things *Wink* you betcha’ you will.
When you look at all the political opportunities they range from being a mayor to, *sigh*, the president of the United States of America. If you don’t make it all the way to the top, even as the mayor of a small town of 6,300 people, as I once said to former city council member, Nick Carney, “I'm the mayor; I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.” You too will be able to exercise this amazing power to impose your maverick views on the oblivious public. *Wink*
Don’t fear if you feel you are completely unqualified to do something. Just look at me, I almost got full control to the senate. I attended five schools in six years, and just you wait until 2012 when I get control of the white house and rule over this nation of Joe-six-packs and hockey moms.
Can I Have Your Number?
Typical club scene, A man walks up to a woman at a club.
A. Excuse me, I seem to have lost my number. Can I borrow yours?
B. Um…not a chance.
A. You know, most people like to watch the Olympics, because it only happens once every four years, but id rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting someone so special only happens once in a lifetime.
B. Yeah well, I would rather watch C-Span for the rest of my life than talk to you but thanks.
A. Your name must be Gillette because you’re the best a man can get.
B. Gee, I’ve never heard that before…
A. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
B. Well it was me but when you walked over here, it just dropped right back to room temperature.
A. Am I in heaven? Because I think I see an angel.
B. If you don’t get away from me soon, you might just find out whether or not you’re going to heaven.
A. I hope you know CPR because, baby, you take my breath away.
B. Even if I did, I wouldn’t use it on you.
A. I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
B. You didn’t even say it right, buddy. And no I would rather jump off a bridge than go to your little party.
A. I’ll take that as a yes.
B. You do that.
A. If I were a stoplight, I’d turn red every time you passed by, just so I could stare at you a bit longer.
B. And I would run that red light to get away from you.
A. No you wouldn’t, you’d hold up traffic just so you could look back at me. I must have just sneezed because God has just blessed me with you.
B. Are you drunk?
A. No, I’m not drunk; I’m just intoxicated by you.
B. Oh my.
A. Actually that reminds me, I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into the wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
B. Why wont you leave me alone?
A. Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy for you. Yeah man.
B. No, but you must be because Jamaican me angry.
A. You’re so beautiful, that you made me forget my next pickup line.
End.
A. Excuse me, I seem to have lost my number. Can I borrow yours?
B. Um…not a chance.
A. You know, most people like to watch the Olympics, because it only happens once every four years, but id rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting someone so special only happens once in a lifetime.
B. Yeah well, I would rather watch C-Span for the rest of my life than talk to you but thanks.
A. Your name must be Gillette because you’re the best a man can get.
B. Gee, I’ve never heard that before…
A. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
B. Well it was me but when you walked over here, it just dropped right back to room temperature.
A. Am I in heaven? Because I think I see an angel.
B. If you don’t get away from me soon, you might just find out whether or not you’re going to heaven.
A. I hope you know CPR because, baby, you take my breath away.
B. Even if I did, I wouldn’t use it on you.
A. I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
B. You didn’t even say it right, buddy. And no I would rather jump off a bridge than go to your little party.
A. I’ll take that as a yes.
B. You do that.
A. If I were a stoplight, I’d turn red every time you passed by, just so I could stare at you a bit longer.
B. And I would run that red light to get away from you.
A. No you wouldn’t, you’d hold up traffic just so you could look back at me. I must have just sneezed because God has just blessed me with you.
B. Are you drunk?
A. No, I’m not drunk; I’m just intoxicated by you.
B. Oh my.
A. Actually that reminds me, I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into the wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
B. Why wont you leave me alone?
A. Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy for you. Yeah man.
B. No, but you must be because Jamaican me angry.
A. You’re so beautiful, that you made me forget my next pickup line.
End.
The Last Trip to Burger King
Summary:
A young boy and his best friend meet up after last seeing each other in college. After a short reunion, they decide to go and spend some quality time at Burger King. On their way there, they see on the TV monitor that a report was supposedly filed against Burger King specifically explaining that they violated nutrition codes. This report ultimately explains how the food at Burger King is extremely deadly and that there have suspicions that it can possibly lead to death. One of the boys decides to leave, while the other goes ahead and eats there. 3 years later, the boy’s friend is found watching TV stunned at how ¾ of the entire world is dead.
The Last Trip to Burger King
(Enter Boy #1 and Boy #2)
Boy #1- Hey! Is that you? Is it really you? Do you remember me; I use to go to college with you. I haven’t seen you in so long!
Boy #2- Oh my god! It is you! How have you been? We need to catch up. Want to come with me to the mall?
Boy #1- Sorry man, I can’t. I am dying to eat. I’m gonna head over to Burger King. Want to come with me?
Boy #2- I guess… do they have anything good their anyway?
Boy #1- Of course! They have French fries, chicken nuggets, and especially their new Quarter Pounder!
Boy #2- I heard about that… I guess I can come with you but I don’t have any money with me.
Boy #1- Its okay… I brought twenty dollars with me. You can borrow some of mine.
Boy #2- Okay, sounds good. How far is it?
Boy #1- only a couple blocks… (They start walking) So, how have you been?
Boy #2- Good Good, nothing new. How about you?
Boy #1- Yeah same…
Boy #2- Oh my God! Look at that!
Boy #1- Where? What? What is it?
Boy #2- Up there, on the giant tv monitor… It says that there have been lawsuits filed against Burger King.
Boy #1- What do you mean?
Boy #2- It says that they violated nutrition laws and the food there seems to make you obese after eating their a couple times…
Boy #1- That’s impossible! I have been there thousands of times!
Boy #2- Well, I don’t know… I think I am going to have to pass. Sorry, maybe we can catch up some other time.
Boy #1- Fine. Suit yourself! Cya. (Boy #2 leaves and Boy #1 enters the restaurant and sits down to eat.)
3 Years Later
Boy #2- (Watching TV) Wow, I knew that going to Burger King was a bad choice… I hate to say it but I told him so… I guess its okay though, those 4 billion people were making the world crowded anyway…
A young boy and his best friend meet up after last seeing each other in college. After a short reunion, they decide to go and spend some quality time at Burger King. On their way there, they see on the TV monitor that a report was supposedly filed against Burger King specifically explaining that they violated nutrition codes. This report ultimately explains how the food at Burger King is extremely deadly and that there have suspicions that it can possibly lead to death. One of the boys decides to leave, while the other goes ahead and eats there. 3 years later, the boy’s friend is found watching TV stunned at how ¾ of the entire world is dead.
The Last Trip to Burger King
(Enter Boy #1 and Boy #2)
Boy #1- Hey! Is that you? Is it really you? Do you remember me; I use to go to college with you. I haven’t seen you in so long!
Boy #2- Oh my god! It is you! How have you been? We need to catch up. Want to come with me to the mall?
Boy #1- Sorry man, I can’t. I am dying to eat. I’m gonna head over to Burger King. Want to come with me?
Boy #2- I guess… do they have anything good their anyway?
Boy #1- Of course! They have French fries, chicken nuggets, and especially their new Quarter Pounder!
Boy #2- I heard about that… I guess I can come with you but I don’t have any money with me.
Boy #1- Its okay… I brought twenty dollars with me. You can borrow some of mine.
Boy #2- Okay, sounds good. How far is it?
Boy #1- only a couple blocks… (They start walking) So, how have you been?
Boy #2- Good Good, nothing new. How about you?
Boy #1- Yeah same…
Boy #2- Oh my God! Look at that!
Boy #1- Where? What? What is it?
Boy #2- Up there, on the giant tv monitor… It says that there have been lawsuits filed against Burger King.
Boy #1- What do you mean?
Boy #2- It says that they violated nutrition laws and the food there seems to make you obese after eating their a couple times…
Boy #1- That’s impossible! I have been there thousands of times!
Boy #2- Well, I don’t know… I think I am going to have to pass. Sorry, maybe we can catch up some other time.
Boy #1- Fine. Suit yourself! Cya. (Boy #2 leaves and Boy #1 enters the restaurant and sits down to eat.)
3 Years Later
Boy #2- (Watching TV) Wow, I knew that going to Burger King was a bad choice… I hate to say it but I told him so… I guess its okay though, those 4 billion people were making the world crowded anyway…
Utopia
Lights off. An alarm clock sounds. A man gets up sluggishly. Lights are dim.
Man: I had the greatest dream. It’s what I always wish I could do—it’s setting my priorities straight, and it went like this:
Lights off. Man gets in bed. Sleeps. Wait 1 minute. Alarm clock sounds. Man turns it off. Sleeps for a while longer. Hours later [but not really, of course. Maybe like 30 seconds more], he gets up again. Lights dim.
Man: I had the greatest dream. It’s what I always wish I could do—it’s setting my priorities straight, and it went like this:
Lights off.
Man: I had the greatest dream. It’s what I always wish I could do—it’s setting my priorities straight, and it went like this:
Lights off. Man gets in bed. Sleeps. Wait 1 minute. Alarm clock sounds. Man turns it off. Sleeps for a while longer. Hours later [but not really, of course. Maybe like 30 seconds more], he gets up again. Lights dim.
Man: I had the greatest dream. It’s what I always wish I could do—it’s setting my priorities straight, and it went like this:
Lights off.
The Rise of a Prince
Cast (in order of appearance): William, 2 friends, a bunch of schoolchildren, 4 thugs, William’s mother, taxi cab driver.
Lights all off except for spotlight on William, centerstage. His head is down so there are dramatic shadows on his face.
William: It’s all different now. Everything. I know you are in a hurry, trying to watch 30 plays in an hour and all… but I’ll keep it short; I’ll just take a minute, just sit right there, and I’ll tell you how I rose to princehood in a small town in California. It all started in West Philadelphia, home sweet home…
Lights on. A school bell rings. The schoolchildren and two friends enter from backstage toward William. The school children romp around and walk past him out of the stage on the other side.
William: Finally, school’s up!
Friend 1: Hey William! Wanna shoot some hoops?
Friend 2: We were just bouncin’ to the school courts.
William: You guys know I’m always up for that. But just wait until you get served.
Friend 1: Alright, lets go 2 on 1 then.
William: Bring it.
They go to the courts aside, and shoot a few baskets. Then, William tries to drive and back off, lays the shot, but at the same time, the 4 thugs are walking in and gets hit by the ball. He catches it up and starts dribbling to the three friends.
Head Thug: Did you throw this ball at me?
William: I was just shooting—
Head Thug: I said, did you throw this ball at me?
William: Yes, but it wa—
Thug 1: Nobody messes with us! Nobody!
Thug 2: You’re really asking for it!
William cowers in fear. The two other friends run off, and William is beaten. Lights off.
The thugs leave, and William remains on the floor. Spotlight.
William: It was painful, but it wasn’t that bad. Just a few cuts, just a few bruises; and I was gonna show them next time, I’d learned. But I learned too late.
William limps out backstage. Wait a few seconds, lights back on.
William: I’m home!
He limps onstage again
William’s Mother: Oh my god… Oh my god, oh my god! What happened to you?!
William: It was just a little fight. I got scratched up a bit, yeah, but—
Mother: I can’t let my baby go through this! I’m terrified, now! West Philly too rough for my baby!
William: But—
Mother: Shh! No buts! You’re going to live with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air!
William: Please, my friends…
Mother: you’ll like it there. Don’t worry.
William: Fine…
Lights off but the spotlight.
William: So, I’m here. California, California… Across the country from the city I call home. I couldn’t believe it.
Lights on again. Taxi driver gets onstage. He wears sunglasses and gold chains.
William: There’s my cab… I guess it’s time to meet the family—woah! This guy is dope!
Taxicab driver: Fuck yeah, you know I’m the freshest! Check the plate. Check it.
Taxicab driver: Fuck yeah.
William: Maybe this won’t be too bad.
Cabbie: So you’re new here, homes?
William: Yeah, straight outta Philly.
Cabbie: Well, I am the king of fresh. I see some real potential in you to be my loyal prince. We got a while to get there, lets talk a bit.
William: And so, I arrived around 7 or 8, and I yelled to the cabbie, “yo homes, smell ya later!” I looked at my kingdom and I was finally there, to settle my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.
Lights all off except for spotlight on William, centerstage. His head is down so there are dramatic shadows on his face.
William: It’s all different now. Everything. I know you are in a hurry, trying to watch 30 plays in an hour and all… but I’ll keep it short; I’ll just take a minute, just sit right there, and I’ll tell you how I rose to princehood in a small town in California. It all started in West Philadelphia, home sweet home…
Lights on. A school bell rings. The schoolchildren and two friends enter from backstage toward William. The school children romp around and walk past him out of the stage on the other side.
William: Finally, school’s up!
Friend 1: Hey William! Wanna shoot some hoops?
Friend 2: We were just bouncin’ to the school courts.
William: You guys know I’m always up for that. But just wait until you get served.
Friend 1: Alright, lets go 2 on 1 then.
William: Bring it.
They go to the courts aside, and shoot a few baskets. Then, William tries to drive and back off, lays the shot, but at the same time, the 4 thugs are walking in and gets hit by the ball. He catches it up and starts dribbling to the three friends.
Head Thug: Did you throw this ball at me?
William: I was just shooting—
Head Thug: I said, did you throw this ball at me?
William:
Thug 1: Nobody messes with us! Nobody!
Thug 2: You’re really asking for it!
William cowers in fear. The two other friends run off, and William is beaten. Lights off.
The thugs leave, and William remains on the floor. Spotlight.
William: It was painful, but it wasn’t that bad. Just a few cuts, just a few bruises; and I was gonna show them next time, I’d learned.
William limps out backstage. Wait a few seconds, lights back on.
William: I’m home!
He limps onstage again
William’s Mother: Oh my god… Oh my god, oh my god! What happened to you?!
William: It was just a little fight. I got scratched up a bit, yeah, but—
Mother: I can’t let my baby go through this! I’m terrified, now! West Philly too rough for my baby!
William: But—
Mother: Shh! No buts! You’re going to live with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air!
William: Please, my friends…
Mother: you’ll like it there. Don’t worry.
William:
Lights off but the spotlight.
William: So, I’m here. California, California… Across the country from the city I call home. I couldn’t believe it.
Lights on again. Taxi driver gets onstage. He wears sunglasses and gold chains.
William: There’s my cab… I guess it’s time to meet the family—woah! This guy is dope!
Taxicab driver: Fuck yeah, you know I’m the freshest! Check the plate. Check it.
Taxicab driver: Fuck yeah.
William: Maybe this won’t be too bad.
Cabbie: So you’re new here, homes?
William: Yeah, straight outta Philly.
Cabbie: Well, I am the king of fresh. I see some real potential in you to be my loyal prince. We got a while to get there, lets talk a bit.
William: And so, I arrived around 7 or 8, and I yelled to the cabbie, “yo homes, smell ya later!” I looked at my kingdom and I was finally there, to settle my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.
Two Brothers on Pamola
Pamola, part giant bird, part moose, and part human, is the Abenaki Indian’s vengeful god of the elements. He uses his power to keep man off the summit of Mt. Katahdin. Pamola Peak is part of the Katahdin Massif in Baxter state park in ME.
Setting: just after dawn on an ice gully on Pamola. A team of climbers had been stranded near the top of the gully when a brutal cold front and blizzard had hit them just at sunset. They barely survived the night. At dawn one climber had made the short climb to the top, a safe place that would allow an easy walk down to base camp. Three are still on a small ledge.
Loosely based on a tragedy in February 1974.
Jake: Mark! Elliot! Wake Up.
Mark: Whu?
Jake: Wake up. John has made it to the top and fixed the rope. We gotta climb outa here.
Mark: It’s colder than shit! Where’s John?
Jake: He’s made it to the top and is going down. Maybe he can get help, but we gotta get outta here. Now! What’s happening with Elliot/
Mark: Don’t know. It must have dropped 40degrees in ten minutes last night.
Jake: Yeah I know this ice is like rock. Can’t get anything into it. But John fixed a rope. We’re almost at the top and it an easy pitch. Lets get going. Wake up Elliot!
Mark: I can’t feel my legs. My fuckin legs are frozen. My legs are frozen. I can’t climb.
Jake: You gotta climb or you’re finished! Wake up Elliot and get him going! We can’t wait.
Mark: Jake get yourself outa here. I’m not going to climb. There everything below my knees is frozen like a rock! Go! Go! Get real. I’m finished! Get out of here!
Jake: You know Martha loves you. Think about Martha and get moving. Wake up Elliot.
Mark: I can’t get him awake. Save your self. I can’t leave Elliot!
Jake: You have to. You have to. Think about Martha! She loves you.
Mark: Stop pissin with me. Get out of here. Go! I can’t fuckin climb, and I’m not leaving Elliot!
Jake: I’ll see if there are some climbers down at Chimney Pond. We’ll try to get you out of here. Martha is there. This is very hard.
Mark: Go! Go!
(Jake climbs up)
Mark: Elliot! Elliot!
Elliot: Yeah, Mark.
Mark: Wake up Elliot! Can you wake up?
Elliot: I’m awake. I feel pretty good.
Mark: No Elliot. You gotta wake up and get moving. You can climb out of here. There’s a rope and just a short pitch. You can do it.
Elliot: Forget it Mark. I feel good. I’m warm. Remember fishing last summer? That was a great road trip we took. Hey, Mom’s cooking pancakes for us when we get home tonight. Tonight. I’m warm. I need to sleep. Say hi to Martha. She’s great with you. She’s your gal. Gotta sleep….
(Mark awkwardly starts to kick the front points of his crampons into the ice and climbs away)
Foot note: the climber with the frozen legs did survive but 3rd degree frostbite necessitated amputation below the knees.
Setting: just after dawn on an ice gully on Pamola. A team of climbers had been stranded near the top of the gully when a brutal cold front and blizzard had hit them just at sunset. They barely survived the night. At dawn one climber had made the short climb to the top, a safe place that would allow an easy walk down to base camp. Three are still on a small ledge.
Loosely based on a tragedy in February 1974.
Jake: Mark! Elliot! Wake Up.
Mark: Whu?
Jake: Wake up. John has made it to the top and fixed the rope. We gotta climb outa here.
Mark: It’s colder than shit! Where’s John?
Jake: He’s made it to the top and is going down. Maybe he can get help, but we gotta get outta here. Now! What’s happening with Elliot/
Mark: Don’t know. It must have dropped 40degrees in ten minutes last night.
Jake: Yeah I know this ice is like rock. Can’t get anything into it. But John fixed a rope. We’re almost at the top and it an easy pitch. Lets get going. Wake up Elliot!
Mark: I can’t feel my legs. My fuckin legs are frozen. My legs are frozen. I can’t climb.
Jake: You gotta climb or you’re finished! Wake up Elliot and get him going! We can’t wait.
Mark: Jake get yourself outa here. I’m not going to climb. There everything below my knees is frozen like a rock! Go! Go! Get real. I’m finished! Get out of here!
Jake: You know Martha loves you. Think about Martha and get moving. Wake up Elliot.
Mark: I can’t get him awake. Save your self. I can’t leave Elliot!
Jake: You have to. You have to. Think about Martha! She loves you.
Mark: Stop pissin with me. Get out of here. Go! I can’t fuckin climb, and I’m not leaving Elliot!
Jake: I’ll see if there are some climbers down at Chimney Pond. We’ll try to get you out of here. Martha is there. This is very hard.
Mark: Go! Go!
(Jake climbs up)
Mark: Elliot! Elliot!
Elliot: Yeah, Mark.
Mark: Wake up Elliot! Can you wake up?
Elliot: I’m awake. I feel pretty good.
Mark: No Elliot. You gotta wake up and get moving. You can climb out of here. There’s a rope and just a short pitch. You can do it.
Elliot: Forget it Mark. I feel good. I’m warm. Remember fishing last summer? That was a great road trip we took. Hey, Mom’s cooking pancakes for us when we get home tonight. Tonight. I’m warm. I need to sleep. Say hi to Martha. She’s great with you. She’s your gal. Gotta sleep….
(Mark awkwardly starts to kick the front points of his crampons into the ice and climbs away)
Foot note: the climber with the frozen legs did survive but 3rd degree frostbite necessitated amputation below the knees.
Mouthwash Diet
Okay so I walk into my kitchen after school and I see a full plate of fudge brownies laying in all their glory right on the counter. My heart leaps for joy as I bound towards them. I am grabbing for them and then I remember that I am on a diet. This was the moment of truth; pure integrity was the only thing keeping me from grabbing one of those delicious, luscious, savory, chocolaty, sexy, moist, chewy brownies. I thought since my diet only started a few hours ago I would be okay with just this one mess up. Then I thought if I give in now, I would never succeed. Instead I grabbed a water bottle and left without my brownie. Yay!!! Allison 1. Temptation Zero! Oh yeah! Anyways, I was going to drink my water but then I brushed my teeth first and used mouthwash, and an amazing thing happened! My craving for those brownies went away! But since I used mouthwash I can’t eat or drink for the next 30 minutes! I should start using mouthwash more often!
Language Barriers
Setting: At a Hotel. Actor 1 is choking Actor 2 calls 9-1-1 Actor 3 is receiver on the
other line
Actor2: Hola necesito una ambulancia!
Actor 3: Hello 9-1-1 what is the state of your emergency?
Actor 2: Mi amigo y yo comÃamos cuando ella empezó a tragar!
Actor 3: I am sorry mam, can you please speak English
Actor 2: Que? Por favor mi amiga va a morir! Jesus! Eres pendejo o nomas te ases? No
es dificil comprender!
Actor 3: Okay mam please hold….
Actor 2: Por favor! Porque no me ayudas? Mi amiga está muriendo! Donde éstas?
Socorro! Socorro! Socorro! (or is it Ayuda?)
Actor 1: (Coughing and rolling on floor gasping for air)
Actor 2: (a Actor 1) Quiero ayudarte pero los americanos tontos no me comprenden! (a
Actor 3) Donde estás? Inútil! Idioto estúpido! Porque no me comprendes! Estoy
hablando en español! Trescientos treinta millónes personas hablan español! Y
tú no hablas español!? No tienes a alguien que hable español?! Dios mio! Ella va a
morir!
Actor 1: (se levanta del piso y está perfectamente) Estoy bromeando…. Estoy jugando
Estoy bien! Que?! Es una chiste!
Translated
Actor 2: Hi, I need an ambulance!
Actor 3: Hello 9-1-1 what is the state of you emergency?
Actor 2: My friend and I were eating when she started to choke!
Actor 3: I am sorry mam, can you please speak English
Actor 2: What? Please my friend is going to die! Jesus! Are you stupid or just
pretending? It’s not difficult to understand!
Actor 3: Okay mam please hold…
Actor 2: Please! Why aren’t you helping me? My friend is dying! Where did you go?
Help! Help! Help!
Actor 1: (Coughing and rolling on floor gasping for air)
Actor 2: (to Actor 1) I want to help you but the silly Americans they don’t understand
me! (to Actor 3) Where are you? Useless! Stupid idiot! Why don’t you
understand me? I am speaking in Spanish!! 330 million people speak Spanish!
You don’t have anyone who speaks Spanish?! My God! She is going to die!
Actor 1: (Gets up from the floor and is perfectly fine) I’m joking…I am playing. I am
fine! What! It’s a joke!
other line
Actor2: Hola necesito una ambulancia!
Actor 3: Hello 9-1-1 what is the state of your emergency?
Actor 2: Mi amigo y yo comÃamos cuando ella empezó a tragar!
Actor 3: I am sorry mam, can you please speak English
Actor 2: Que? Por favor mi amiga va a morir! Jesus! Eres pendejo o nomas te ases? No
es dificil comprender!
Actor 3: Okay mam please hold….
Actor 2: Por favor! Porque no me ayudas? Mi amiga está muriendo! Donde éstas?
Socorro! Socorro! Socorro! (or is it Ayuda?)
Actor 1: (Coughing and rolling on floor gasping for air)
Actor 2: (a Actor 1) Quiero ayudarte pero los americanos tontos no me comprenden! (a
Actor 3) Donde estás? Inútil! Idioto estúpido! Porque no me comprendes! Estoy
hablando en español! Trescientos treinta millónes personas hablan español! Y
tú no hablas español!? No tienes a alguien que hable español?! Dios mio! Ella va a
morir!
Actor 1: (se levanta del piso y está perfectamente) Estoy bromeando…. Estoy jugando
Estoy bien! Que?! Es una chiste!
Translated
Actor 2: Hi, I need an ambulance!
Actor 3: Hello 9-1-1 what is the state of you emergency?
Actor 2: My friend and I were eating when she started to choke!
Actor 3: I am sorry mam, can you please speak English
Actor 2: What? Please my friend is going to die! Jesus! Are you stupid or just
pretending? It’s not difficult to understand!
Actor 3: Okay mam please hold…
Actor 2: Please! Why aren’t you helping me? My friend is dying! Where did you go?
Help! Help! Help!
Actor 1: (Coughing and rolling on floor gasping for air)
Actor 2: (to Actor 1) I want to help you but the silly Americans they don’t understand
me! (to Actor 3) Where are you? Useless! Stupid idiot! Why don’t you
understand me? I am speaking in Spanish!! 330 million people speak Spanish!
You don’t have anyone who speaks Spanish?! My God! She is going to die!
Actor 1: (Gets up from the floor and is perfectly fine) I’m joking…I am playing. I am
fine! What! It’s a joke!
untitled (grandma at the zoo)
Lauren has taken her grandmother to the zoo to spend time with her since she has been away at college and is now home for a while. The Grandmother’s eyesight isn’t as good as it used to be and because of this she is not able to identify a lot of the animals. Making it frustrating for Lauren because her grandmother believes she has the best of eyesight. On top of that the Grandmother is in an older stage of life in which she is not able to hear everything, making it hard for the other people around her to talk to her.
G. (Lauren and Grandma are side-by-side facing the audience and slowly walking) Oooh! Look at all that chicken. I’m hungry! Although I don’t know why you’d put that in a zoo!
L. (laughing) Grandma those aren’t chickens they’re penguins. (They stop in the middle of the stage and stare at the penguins)
G. (Turns head to Lauren) You used to be so smart, what they been teachin you at that college!
L. Grandma I am not stupid I know it’s a penguin. (Facing Grandma but not blocking audience)
G. (Matter of factly) In the 4th grad I took an eye test and had a 20/20 and it definitely hasn’t changed since then. I’m telling you God made you the way you is and I just happen to have 20/20! (nod head up and down with 20/20)
L. Grandma, people’s eyes change as they get older.
G. Are you calling me old?!
L. No! I am just saying that you can’t have perfect eyesight all your life it just doesn’t work that way.
G. Yes. You. Can. Your eyes don’t change they look the same from when you are born until you die!
L. (sighs*) never mind…just trust me it’s a penguin. (long awkward pause where Grandma stares at Lauren)
G. I know it ain’t a penguin because I know (hand on hip) what a chicken look like and that’s a chicken. My mama used to cut them heads off so we could eat’m. I can still remember their l’l bodies runnin around after the head after the head was gone…. Although I don’t know how a chicken can be alive without its head, I sure can’t.
L. Grandma they’re not alive when they do that it’s a reflex
G. A reflux what’s that?
L. No a reflex
G. You wanna relax? Well why didn’t you take a nap before you came?
L. No! (Lauren now articulating her words) I AM NOT TIRED
G. You got fired! What! Why are you telling me this now!?
L. No! I DIDN’T GET FIRED!
G. Then why did you say that! You are driven me crazy! Speak up child!
L. (annoyed) I wanna go home…
G. You need a phone? Well I don’t have one of them thingamajiggers that all those young people have. (Grandma reaching into her purse to get a quarter) Here’s a quarter go find a pay phone.
L. No! (Slowly articulating) I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO OUR HOUSE!
G. You see a mouse! Oh my God! WHERE! WHERE! Smack it! (flinging her purse everywhere) Get it away! GET! IT! AWAY!
L. (Lauren extremely embarrassed because Courtney is making a scene) NO! NO! NO! I didn’t say that!
G. You have got to stop this lyin to me!! (Puts her hand on her heart) My heart can’t take it, you given me a hidle hernia! Lyin is what your mama did, that’s how she ended up with you! (fanning herself)
L. Ugh! (Storms off, exiting stage left)
G. (Grandma slowly following behind) I’m comin baby wait for me!
G. (Lauren and Grandma are side-by-side facing the audience and slowly walking) Oooh! Look at all that chicken. I’m hungry! Although I don’t know why you’d put that in a zoo!
L. (laughing) Grandma those aren’t chickens they’re penguins. (They stop in the middle of the stage and stare at the penguins)
G. (Turns head to Lauren) You used to be so smart, what they been teachin you at that college!
L. Grandma I am not stupid I know it’s a penguin. (Facing Grandma but not blocking audience)
G. (Matter of factly) In the 4th grad I took an eye test and had a 20/20 and it definitely hasn’t changed since then. I’m telling you God made you the way you is and I just happen to have 20/20! (nod head up and down with 20/20)
L. Grandma, people’s eyes change as they get older.
G. Are you calling me old?!
L. No! I am just saying that you can’t have perfect eyesight all your life it just doesn’t work that way.
G. Yes. You. Can. Your eyes don’t change they look the same from when you are born until you die!
L. (sighs*) never mind…just trust me it’s a penguin. (long awkward pause where Grandma stares at Lauren)
G. I know it ain’t a penguin because I know (hand on hip) what a chicken look like and that’s a chicken. My mama used to cut them heads off so we could eat’m. I can still remember their l’l bodies runnin around after the head after the head was gone…. Although I don’t know how a chicken can be alive without its head, I sure can’t.
L. Grandma they’re not alive when they do that it’s a reflex
G. A reflux what’s that?
L. No a reflex
G. You wanna relax? Well why didn’t you take a nap before you came?
L. No! (Lauren now articulating her words) I AM NOT TIRED
G. You got fired! What! Why are you telling me this now!?
L. No! I DIDN’T GET FIRED!
G. Then why did you say that! You are driven me crazy! Speak up child!
L. (annoyed) I wanna go home…
G. You need a phone? Well I don’t have one of them thingamajiggers that all those young people have. (Grandma reaching into her purse to get a quarter) Here’s a quarter go find a pay phone.
L. No! (Slowly articulating) I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO OUR HOUSE!
G. You see a mouse! Oh my God! WHERE! WHERE! Smack it! (flinging her purse everywhere) Get it away! GET! IT! AWAY!
L. (Lauren extremely embarrassed because Courtney is making a scene) NO! NO! NO! I didn’t say that!
G. You have got to stop this lyin to me!! (Puts her hand on her heart) My heart can’t take it, you given me a hidle hernia! Lyin is what your mama did, that’s how she ended up with you! (fanning herself)
L. Ugh! (Storms off, exiting stage left)
G. (Grandma slowly following behind) I’m comin baby wait for me!
Can I Have It?
One girl sitting on bench reading a book
Guy 1 walks up
Guy 1: Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night.
Girl: No.
Guy 1: Aight, aight, iz cool, whateva.
Guy 1 walks away.
Guy 2 walks up.
Guy 2: I may be a gryffindor, but something in my pants is a-slytherin!
Girl: No.
Guy 2: Psh… so not worth it. I bet you don’t even know what platform to get to Hogwarts on.
Guy 2 walks away.
Guy 3 walks up.
Guy 3: Hagrid’s not the only giant on campus, if ya know what I mean. Creepy wink.
Girl: No.
Guy 3: Your loss. Weirdo. I bet you’re a muggle.
Guy 3 walks away.
Guy 4 walks up.
Guy 4: If I flip a coin, what are the chances of getting head?
Girl: No.
Guy 4: Y-y-ou kn-know what? K-kidding..
Guy 4 walks away.
Guy 5: Good thing I have my library card, cause I’m checking you out!
Girl: No.
Guy 5: I was talking about your book… oops.
Girl: On second thought… yes.
Guy 5: No.
Guy 5 walks away.
Guy 1 walks up
Guy 1: Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all night.
Girl: No.
Guy 1: Aight, aight, iz cool, whateva.
Guy 1 walks away.
Guy 2 walks up.
Guy 2: I may be a gryffindor, but something in my pants is a-slytherin!
Girl: No.
Guy 2: Psh… so not worth it. I bet you don’t even know what platform to get to Hogwarts on.
Guy 2 walks away.
Guy 3 walks up.
Guy 3: Hagrid’s not the only giant on campus, if ya know what I mean. Creepy wink.
Girl: No.
Guy 3: Your loss. Weirdo. I bet you’re a muggle.
Guy 3 walks away.
Guy 4 walks up.
Guy 4: If I flip a coin, what are the chances of getting head?
Girl: No.
Guy 4: Y-y-ou kn-know what? K-kidding..
Guy 4 walks away.
Guy 5: Good thing I have my library card, cause I’m checking you out!
Girl: No.
Guy 5: I was talking about your book… oops.
Girl: On second thought… yes.
Guy 5: No.
Guy 5 walks away.
Aboot a banana (A Tribute to the play Antigone)
Stop-
before you make me choke with anger- the bananas!
You, you’re fruity, must you be fruit?
You say – why it’s intolerable- say the bananas
could have the slightest concern for that dead apple?
Tell me, was it for delicious service
they proceeded to compost him, digest him so? The hero
Who came to burn their cores ringed with seed,
Their yummy treasures- scorch their hallowed tree
And fling their stems to the winds.
Exactly when did you last see the bananas
Celebrating GM fruit? Inconceivable!
No, from the first there were certain citruses
Who could hardly stand the acid of my regime,
Grumbling against me in the fruit bowl, stems together,
Dicing wildly, never keeping their necks beneath
The top of the bowl, loyally surrendering to their consumer.
These are the pears, I’m convinced –
They perverted my own saran wrap, bribed them
To wrap their own bananas.
Tangelos! Nothing worse
In our lives, so current, rampant, so corrupting.
Tangelos – you demolish fruits rooted from their trees,
You train and twist good tastebuds and set them on
To the most hydrogenated schemes. No limit,
You make them cringe at every organic,
Every natural fruit – Tangelos!
Everyone-
The scientists bribed to commit this crime,
We’ve made one thing sure at least:
Sooner or later they will pay the price.
before you make me choke with anger- the bananas!
You, you’re fruity, must you be fruit?
You say – why it’s intolerable- say the bananas
could have the slightest concern for that dead apple?
Tell me, was it for delicious service
they proceeded to compost him, digest him so? The hero
Who came to burn their cores ringed with seed,
Their yummy treasures- scorch their hallowed tree
And fling their stems to the winds.
Exactly when did you last see the bananas
Celebrating GM fruit? Inconceivable!
No, from the first there were certain citruses
Who could hardly stand the acid of my regime,
Grumbling against me in the fruit bowl, stems together,
Dicing wildly, never keeping their necks beneath
The top of the bowl, loyally surrendering to their consumer.
These are the pears, I’m convinced –
They perverted my own saran wrap, bribed them
To wrap their own bananas.
Tangelos! Nothing worse
In our lives, so current, rampant, so corrupting.
Tangelos – you demolish fruits rooted from their trees,
You train and twist good tastebuds and set them on
To the most hydrogenated schemes. No limit,
You make them cringe at every organic,
Every natural fruit – Tangelos!
Everyone-
The scientists bribed to commit this crime,
We’ve made one thing sure at least:
Sooner or later they will pay the price.
Nothing
Guy 1: Hey, whatcha doing?
Guy 2 : Nothing.
Guy 1: Nothing?
Guy 2: Yeah, nothing.
Guy 1: How can you be doing nothing?
Guy 2: Like this…….. (he continues to stand idly and aloof)
Guy 1: You’re not doing nothing. You’re standing there.
Guy 2: Standing here (pause)……and doing nothing.
Guy 1: No you’re not.
Guy 2: Why not?
Guy 1: You can’t be doing nothing and standing there at the same time.
Guy 2: Yes I can.
Guy 1: The act of doing nothing and the act of standing cancel each other out. To
be standing and doing nothing at the same time would be impossible. (says in a rushed,
desperate manner)
Guy 2: It’s not impossible.
Guy 1: Prove it!
Guy 2: (Continues to stand idly and aloof)
Guy 1: Well?! I’m waiting.
Guy 2: Waiting for what?
Guy 1: For you to prove me wrong.
Guy 2: I am proving you wrong. (Continues to stand idly and aloof)
Guy 1: YOU’RE NOT DOING NOTHING!
Guy 2: Yes I am. (calmly)
Guy 1: No you’re not! You’re standing there, you’re breathing, you’re wearing shoes, and you’re talking to me!
Guy 2: And while I’m doing those things, I’m also doing nothing.
Guy 1: UGH!
A third person comes walking.
Guy 3: Hey guys, whatcha doing.
Guy 2: Nothing.
Guy 1 yells “UGH!” throws his hands in the air in frustration and storms off the stage
Guy 3: What’s his problem?
Guy 2: Don’t ask.
Fin.
Guy 2 : Nothing.
Guy 1: Nothing?
Guy 2: Yeah, nothing.
Guy 1: How can you be doing nothing?
Guy 2: Like this…….. (he continues to stand idly and aloof)
Guy 1: You’re not doing nothing. You’re standing there.
Guy 2: Standing here (pause)……and doing nothing.
Guy 1: No you’re not.
Guy 2: Why not?
Guy 1: You can’t be doing nothing and standing there at the same time.
Guy 2: Yes I can.
Guy 1: The act of doing nothing and the act of standing cancel each other out. To
be standing and doing nothing at the same time would be impossible. (says in a rushed,
desperate manner)
Guy 2: It’s not impossible.
Guy 1: Prove it!
Guy 2: (Continues to stand idly and aloof)
Guy 1: Well?! I’m waiting.
Guy 2: Waiting for what?
Guy 1: For you to prove me wrong.
Guy 2: I am proving you wrong. (Continues to stand idly and aloof)
Guy 1: YOU’RE NOT DOING NOTHING!
Guy 2: Yes I am. (calmly)
Guy 1: No you’re not! You’re standing there, you’re breathing, you’re wearing shoes, and you’re talking to me!
Guy 2: And while I’m doing those things, I’m also doing nothing.
Guy 1: UGH!
A third person comes walking.
Guy 3: Hey guys, whatcha doing.
Guy 2: Nothing.
Guy 1 yells “UGH!” throws his hands in the air in frustration and storms off the stage
Guy 3: What’s his problem?
Guy 2: Don’t ask.
Fin.
Emergency
Scene opens with Mitzy in a car. It is a hot summer day, and Mitzy is distressed and hypervenelating. She dials 911.
911 DISPATCHER: 911 this line is being recorded. What is your emergency?
MITZY: THIS IS A GRAVE EMERGENCY! (heavy sobbing)
911 DISPATCHER: Ma'm please calm down and describe the situation. What is the location of the emergency?
MITZY: Well, I'm in my car, in the parking lot of Giant Eagle!
911 DISPATCHER: and what is the address of the supermarket?
MITZY: I'm not quite sure. I would go check, but I'm STUCK!
911 DISPATCHER: Stuck?! Can you be a little more specific, help us help you.
MITZY: I'm stuck inside my car! It's getting really hot in here too. I think I might faint!
911 DISPATCHER: hmmm, and what obstacle is keeping the car door from opening?
MITZY: well, my car seems to have died! It has no power at all! I keep pressing the unlock button on my key, but nothing happens!
911 DISPATCHER: I see. Look at your door, do you see a small knob anywhere on your door.
MITZY: I'm looking, I don't see anything.
911 DISPATCHER: look to the left of your door Ma'm, by the corner of the window.
MITZY: OH! I see something! It looks like a miniature pole in a tiny hole.
911 DISPATCHER: (sighs) Yes. Now pull it upward and try opening the door again.
Mitzy obeys the dispatcher's order.
MITZY: OH MY GOD! It works! You saved my life! I can finally breathe now. How can I ever repay you?!
Dial tone.
911 DISPATCHER: 911 this line is being recorded. What is your emergency?
MITZY: THIS IS A GRAVE EMERGENCY! (heavy sobbing)
911 DISPATCHER: Ma'm please calm down and describe the situation. What is the location of the emergency?
MITZY: Well, I'm in my car, in the parking lot of Giant Eagle!
911 DISPATCHER: and what is the address of the supermarket?
MITZY: I'm not quite sure. I would go check, but I'm STUCK!
911 DISPATCHER: Stuck?! Can you be a little more specific, help us help you.
MITZY: I'm stuck inside my car! It's getting really hot in here too. I think I might faint!
911 DISPATCHER: hmmm, and what obstacle is keeping the car door from opening?
MITZY: well, my car seems to have died! It has no power at all! I keep pressing the unlock button on my key, but nothing happens!
911 DISPATCHER: I see. Look at your door, do you see a small knob anywhere on your door.
MITZY: I'm looking, I don't see anything.
911 DISPATCHER: look to the left of your door Ma'm, by the corner of the window.
MITZY: OH! I see something! It looks like a miniature pole in a tiny hole.
911 DISPATCHER: (sighs) Yes. Now pull it upward and try opening the door again.
Mitzy obeys the dispatcher's order.
MITZY: OH MY GOD! It works! You saved my life! I can finally breathe now. How can I ever repay you?!
Dial tone.
untitled (bad communication)
Needed:
A man and woman, dressed in everyday clothes, chairs maybe a table/counter thing, phone (cell and wall if possible ) (or ringing noise, whatever will be easiest, play can be modified).
Play:
Woman: (slightly distracted as man walks in) Hi honey, how was your day?
Man: (perky and unaware of her state of distraction) Pretty good, uneventful, but---
(Man’s phone rings)
Man: (Picking up the phone) Bill! (turns away from woman and takes a few steps away, speaking in a hushed tone) Yeah, yeah, I know, We have got to do something about that! (Even more hushed as he notices his girl standing, arms crossed). Um, I gotta go, I’ll call you later.
Man: Hey babe, sorry about that, business, you know how it is.
Woman: (sounding tired) Sure, whatever, -- Dinner is in the oven. Something has been on my mind, I think we should--
(Man’s phone rings)
Man: Hey Steve! - How you been? -- Yeah, I know! Its really been a while, we should. How ‘bout now? You doing anything? (Glancing at woman) (somewhat angrily and begrudgingly) Oh, wait, I can’t, I’ll, um, call you later.
Man: I, -- sorry.
Woman: It's always like this with you, I always take second to work and your buddies, don't you --
(Man’s phone rings)
Man: Jenny! Wow! It's really great to hear from you! How have you been? -- Yeah, we should defiantly catch up, dinner, tomorrow night? How does that sound?
Woman: See, now I KNOW thats not business! (turns and walks toward the door).
Man: Wait, Honey, please wait!
Woman: Wait? What exactly do you think I've been doing? Oh, right, I've been waiting for you! and now you just want a little more time? How much do I have to give of myself to get anything from you, have you finally realized i have feelings too?!!
Man: Wait, please, no, thats not it at all, please lets just talk... Please!
Woman: What do you think I have been trying to do for the last week?! Everyday is the same! I need more! (Walks out).
(Curtain)
A man and woman, dressed in everyday clothes, chairs maybe a table/counter thing, phone (cell and wall if possible ) (or ringing noise, whatever will be easiest, play can be modified).
Play:
Woman: (slightly distracted as man walks in) Hi honey, how was your day?
Man: (perky and unaware of her state of distraction) Pretty good, uneventful, but---
(Man’s phone rings)
Man: (Picking up the phone) Bill! (turns away from woman and takes a few steps away, speaking in a hushed tone) Yeah, yeah, I know, We have got to do something about that! (Even more hushed as he notices his girl standing, arms crossed). Um, I gotta go, I’ll call you later.
Man: Hey babe, sorry about that, business, you know how it is.
Woman: (sounding tired) Sure, whatever, -- Dinner is in the oven. Something has been on my mind, I think we should--
(Man’s phone rings)
Man: Hey Steve! - How you been? -- Yeah, I know! Its really been a while, we should. How ‘bout now? You doing anything? (Glancing at woman) (somewhat angrily and begrudgingly) Oh, wait, I can’t, I’ll, um, call you later.
Man: I, -- sorry.
Woman: It's always like this with you, I always take second to work and your buddies, don't you --
(Man’s phone rings)
Man: Jenny! Wow! It's really great to hear from you! How have you been? -- Yeah, we should defiantly catch up, dinner, tomorrow night? How does that sound?
Woman: See, now I KNOW thats not business! (turns and walks toward the door).
Man: Wait, Honey, please wait!
Woman: Wait? What exactly do you think I've been doing? Oh, right, I've been waiting for you! and now you just want a little more time? How much do I have to give of myself to get anything from you, have you finally realized i have feelings too?!!
Man: Wait, please, no, thats not it at all, please lets just talk... Please!
Woman: What do you think I have been trying to do for the last week?! Everyday is the same! I need more! (Walks out).
(Curtain)
Instant Message Conversation in Real Life
(all parts awkward)
1. Hey
2. Hey
1. Whats up?
2. Nothin’. You.
1. Nothin’
2. Cool
1. Yup
2. Haha
1. Laugh out loud
2. Rolling on the floor laughing
1. So…
2. So.
1. Be right back
2. Okay
(person 1 walks away and comes back)
1. Back
2. Cool
1. Yup
2. So…
1. So.
2. Whats new?
1. Nothin’
2. Same
1. Cool
2. Yup
(long awkward pause)
1. Well I got to go
2. Talk to you later
1. See you tomorrow
2. Hug kiss hug kiss
1. later
1. Hey
2. Hey
1. Whats up?
2. Nothin’. You.
1. Nothin’
2. Cool
1. Yup
2. Haha
1. Laugh out loud
2. Rolling on the floor laughing
1. So…
2. So.
1. Be right back
2. Okay
(person 1 walks away and comes back)
1. Back
2. Cool
1. Yup
2. So…
1. So.
2. Whats new?
1. Nothin’
2. Same
1. Cool
2. Yup
(long awkward pause)
1. Well I got to go
2. Talk to you later
1. See you tomorrow
2. Hug kiss hug kiss
1. later
Swearing Sneakers
Location: Blank stage
Cast: Announcer, Person 1, Person 2, Person 3 (gender nonspecific)
[Announcer starts onstage, Person 1 enters.]
Announcer: Hey! Are you tired of plain old sneakers?
Person 1: Why yes! I am!
Announcer: Than switch to the shoes that make a statement, Swearing Sneakers!
Person 1: Wow… What are they?
Announcer: Swearing Sneakers! Swearing Sneakers make your every step a wake-up call for your ears!
Person 1: How so?
Announcer: Tired of yelling at your neighbor’s dog? Walk on over, and your sneakers will do the work for you! Tired of yelling at their kid running on your lawn? Simply go outside, and your work is done! You’ll never have to swear again! [aside] Doesn’t mean you won’t want to…
Person 1: But what do swearing sneakers really do?
Announcer: Just watch.
Person 2: [Enter from side of stage, saying “Fuck!” for every step taken. Keep walking until exit on other side of stage.]
Announcer: See the attention he gains? That COULD BE YOU!!! Take advantage of the Swearing Sneaker’s patented NeverS.T.F.U. technology! You even can choose between three volumes; loud, extra-loud, and Oh-My-Freaking-God-Blow-Your-Screaming-Brains-Out-Until-You’re-Deaf loud!
Person 1: Wow, I really don’t know what to think!
Announcer: AND, they come in children’s sizes, too, adjusted to fit the child’s fragile psyche!
Person 3: [Enter from side of stage, saying “Not fuck!” for every step taken. Keep walking until exit on other side of stage.]
Announcer: So, do you like them?
Person 1: Like them? I fucking LOVE them!
Announcer: Excuse me?
Person 1: Uh, like them, I fucking love them?
Announcer: What? Oh, my god! Such a mouth! Watch your language, this is supposed to be PG!
Person 1: …What?
Announcer: [thoroughly disgusted] I swear, people like you are the cancer to this society! Your language destroys lives, ruins social events, and makes babies cry tears of blood! Why, people like you should be executed! That’s right, executed! You kill off every moral fiber in your own body, but you don’t stop there! OH NO, YOU JUST KEEP ON GOING! You ruined lives! People have been left invalid by such actions! You know what we should do to people like you? We should take one of these sneakers and shove it right up your—
Person 1: Ok, Ok! I’ll buy your shoes! JUST STOP! [Exit crying]
[Pause, Announcer recovers himself]
Announcer: Well, there we go! Another satisfied customer! [Pause] Hey, don’t you want a pair? Swearing Sneakers! Buy one Now! [Very quickly, as an aside] Warning, these shoes are prohibited by the federal government, and are not valid merchandise. Side effects include fallen arches, crushed feet, and no friends. In rare cases, enraged homicide has been reported. Only available in Cuba. Void where prohibited and prohibited where void. Which is everywhere. [Announcing voice] So don’t swear, let your feet do it for you! Buy one today!
Cast: Announcer, Person 1, Person 2, Person 3 (gender nonspecific)
[Announcer starts onstage, Person 1 enters.]
Announcer: Hey! Are you tired of plain old sneakers?
Person 1: Why yes! I am!
Announcer: Than switch to the shoes that make a statement, Swearing Sneakers!
Person 1: Wow… What are they?
Announcer: Swearing Sneakers! Swearing Sneakers make your every step a wake-up call for your ears!
Person 1: How so?
Announcer: Tired of yelling at your neighbor’s dog? Walk on over, and your sneakers will do the work for you! Tired of yelling at their kid running on your lawn? Simply go outside, and your work is done! You’ll never have to swear again! [aside] Doesn’t mean you won’t want to…
Person 1: But what do swearing sneakers really do?
Announcer: Just watch.
Person 2: [Enter from side of stage, saying “Fuck!” for every step taken. Keep walking until exit on other side of stage.]
Announcer: See the attention he gains? That COULD BE YOU!!! Take advantage of the Swearing Sneaker’s patented NeverS.T.F.U. technology! You even can choose between three volumes; loud, extra-loud, and Oh-My-Freaking-God-Blow-Your-Screaming-Brains-Out-Until-You’re-Deaf loud!
Person 1: Wow, I really don’t know what to think!
Announcer: AND, they come in children’s sizes, too, adjusted to fit the child’s fragile psyche!
Person 3: [Enter from side of stage, saying “Not fuck!” for every step taken. Keep walking until exit on other side of stage.]
Announcer: So, do you like them?
Person 1: Like them? I fucking LOVE them!
Announcer: Excuse me?
Person 1: Uh, like them, I fucking love them?
Announcer: What? Oh, my god! Such a mouth! Watch your language, this is supposed to be PG!
Person 1: …What?
Announcer: [thoroughly disgusted] I swear, people like you are the cancer to this society! Your language destroys lives, ruins social events, and makes babies cry tears of blood! Why, people like you should be executed! That’s right, executed! You kill off every moral fiber in your own body, but you don’t stop there! OH NO, YOU JUST KEEP ON GOING! You ruined lives! People have been left invalid by such actions! You know what we should do to people like you? We should take one of these sneakers and shove it right up your—
Person 1: Ok, Ok! I’ll buy your shoes! JUST STOP! [Exit crying]
[Pause, Announcer recovers himself]
Announcer: Well, there we go! Another satisfied customer! [Pause] Hey, don’t you want a pair? Swearing Sneakers! Buy one Now! [Very quickly, as an aside] Warning, these shoes are prohibited by the federal government, and are not valid merchandise. Side effects include fallen arches, crushed feet, and no friends. In rare cases, enraged homicide has been reported. Only available in Cuba. Void where prohibited and prohibited where void. Which is everywhere. [Announcing voice] So don’t swear, let your feet do it for you! Buy one today!
Welcome to Purgatory
[Cast members enter the stage with a variety of props and proceed to use them as if sentenced to do so for eternity. This could include things such as: playing the accordion, playing a ball-and-cup game, screwing and unscrewing screws from a 2x4, or dancing to very bad music. After some time of relative chaos, cast members begin to slowly burn to death, eventually leading to CURTAIN.]
Learning to See
At an airport. Two officials standing mid-stage seemingly waiting for something. One stands holding a sheet of paper. The rest of the characters enter from the wings chatting and looking around. The official with the sheet walks up to the group of people. The people all look at him and stop their chatting.
Official: Welcome group 947. Please form a single file line and have your tickets ready for inspection…
People form a line and the chatting resumes, but people only mouth speaking (to continue throughout the rest of the play). The third and forth people in line begin speaking to one another.
Person #1 (third in line): What does he mean ticket? I don’t have one, how am I supposed to get in?
Official #2 (at mid-stage): Next in line please!
First person in line goes to consult the official. They begin silently conversing.
Person #2: I’m not sure. I don’t have one either. In life I never had a chance to get one, actually I didn’t even know I needed to. (Signals to officer to get him to walk over. He walks over and person #2 addresses him.) [To officer] Excuse me sir, but I don’t have a ticket. Where might I find one?
Official: Name please?
Person consulting with the official at mid-stage nods to say goodbye and walks across the stage, exiting through the wings opposite the ones he entered from.
#2: Christian Macarthur.
Official looks at sheet and pauses for a little, searching the list. Appears to have a moment of recognition and looks up to continue speaking to person #2.
Official: You already have a ticket. Its your faith…
Official at mid-stage waves for the next person in line to come forward. The second person in line moves forward to consult the other official at mid-stage. Converse silently.
#2: So since I’m Catholic I’m allowed in?
#1: Oh, so he gets in because he’s Catholic? I’m Jewish! What am I supposed to do? I’m Jacob Wienburg. Am I on your sheet too?
Official consults sheet again.
Official: Well your allowed too. Doesn’t matter what you are, but more how you are. Your ticket is faith…
#1: All right, but what exactly is it like…where we’re going now?
Second person meeting with official leaves the same way the first does.
Official: You’re at the front of the line now. Please proceed forwards.
Person #1 walks to mid-stage and consults with official. Walks towards other wings and waits. Official flags person #2 and he moves forward and does the same. He walks up to person #1. Both start looking around, bewildered.
#1: Well this just looks the same. Not what I expected at all. Are we just going through this again?
#2 turns to face #1, but #1 continues looking around.
#2: I have no idea. It’s certainly not what I was told it would be. How can it just be the same? It was supposed to be so much…more.
#1: What did you expect? What are you looking for?
#2 turns to face #1.
#2: Its supposed to be perfect. I, I just don’t know what to do now. All my life…I never…but I guess its all here. It’s always been here.
Both start looking around again. They smile.
#1: Lets go.
Both exit, following the other two who had already left.
Official: Welcome group 947. Please form a single file line and have your tickets ready for inspection…
People form a line and the chatting resumes, but people only mouth speaking (to continue throughout the rest of the play). The third and forth people in line begin speaking to one another.
Person #1 (third in line): What does he mean ticket? I don’t have one, how am I supposed to get in?
Official #2 (at mid-stage): Next in line please!
First person in line goes to consult the official. They begin silently conversing.
Person #2: I’m not sure. I don’t have one either. In life I never had a chance to get one, actually I didn’t even know I needed to. (Signals to officer to get him to walk over. He walks over and person #2 addresses him.) [To officer] Excuse me sir, but I don’t have a ticket. Where might I find one?
Official: Name please?
Person consulting with the official at mid-stage nods to say goodbye and walks across the stage, exiting through the wings opposite the ones he entered from.
#2: Christian Macarthur.
Official looks at sheet and pauses for a little, searching the list. Appears to have a moment of recognition and looks up to continue speaking to person #2.
Official: You already have a ticket. Its your faith…
Official at mid-stage waves for the next person in line to come forward. The second person in line moves forward to consult the other official at mid-stage. Converse silently.
#2: So since I’m Catholic I’m allowed in?
#1: Oh, so he gets in because he’s Catholic? I’m Jewish! What am I supposed to do? I’m Jacob Wienburg. Am I on your sheet too?
Official consults sheet again.
Official: Well your allowed too. Doesn’t matter what you are, but more how you are. Your ticket is faith…
#1: All right, but what exactly is it like…where we’re going now?
Second person meeting with official leaves the same way the first does.
Official: You’re at the front of the line now. Please proceed forwards.
Person #1 walks to mid-stage and consults with official. Walks towards other wings and waits. Official flags person #2 and he moves forward and does the same. He walks up to person #1. Both start looking around, bewildered.
#1: Well this just looks the same. Not what I expected at all. Are we just going through this again?
#2 turns to face #1, but #1 continues looking around.
#2: I have no idea. It’s certainly not what I was told it would be. How can it just be the same? It was supposed to be so much…more.
#1: What did you expect? What are you looking for?
#2 turns to face #1.
#2: Its supposed to be perfect. I, I just don’t know what to do now. All my life…I never…but I guess its all here. It’s always been here.
Both start looking around again. They smile.
#1: Lets go.
Both exit, following the other two who had already left.
Rides Home
Actor 1: Um excuse me but I am pretty sure that is ice! Slow down!
Actor 2: Calm the fuck down! Its not ice stop worrying!
Actor 1: Are you sure that's not ice...looks a tad glossy...
Actor 2: If it were ice we would have slid into that semi and died so there pansy.
Actor 1: Well excuse me sorry I like living!
Actor 3: I AM TRYING TO READ!
Actor 1: So...question if a rapist is called a rapist what is the person they raped called, a rapie?
Actor 2: NO THERE CALLED A VICTOM YOU IDIOT!!
Actor 3: Really? Is this talking unnecessary it obviously is going nowhere!
Actor 1 and 2: SHUT UP FRESHMEN!!
Actor 2: Um...you are going a tad fast...
Actor 1: I don't care.
Actor 2: But you licenses is suspended.
Actor 1: Does it look like I give a fuck...I have connections.
Actor 2: Fine! Oh...I like this song...
Actor 3: I don't even care any more.
Actor 1: STOP SIGN!!!!
Actor 2: I had no idea.
Actor 1: I hate driving whit you! YOU SPEED YOU DONT KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL YOU TEXT AND DONT HAVE ANY RECOLECTION OF WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND YOU!
Car doors are unlocked.
Actor 2: Get out.
Actor 1: Real funny asshole. Were on the high way.
Actor 2: Haha. I know I just like the face you make at me when I say that. LOOK I GOT NEW SUNGLASSES. THERE AVIATORS!
Actor 1: You look like a hick.
Actor 3: Gotta love the car rides home.
Actor 2: Calm the fuck down! Its not ice stop worrying!
Actor 1: Are you sure that's not ice...looks a tad glossy...
Actor 2: If it were ice we would have slid into that semi and died so there pansy.
Actor 1: Well excuse me sorry I like living!
Actor 3: I AM TRYING TO READ!
Actor 1: So...question if a rapist is called a rapist what is the person they raped called, a rapie?
Actor 2: NO THERE CALLED A VICTOM YOU IDIOT!!
Actor 3: Really? Is this talking unnecessary it obviously is going nowhere!
Actor 1 and 2: SHUT UP FRESHMEN!!
Actor 2: Um...you are going a tad fast...
Actor 1: I don't care.
Actor 2: But you licenses is suspended.
Actor 1: Does it look like I give a fuck...I have connections.
Actor 2: Fine! Oh...I like this song...
Actor 3: I don't even care any more.
Actor 1: STOP SIGN!!!!
Actor 2: I had no idea.
Actor 1: I hate driving whit you! YOU SPEED YOU DONT KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL YOU TEXT AND DONT HAVE ANY RECOLECTION OF WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND YOU!
Car doors are unlocked.
Actor 2: Get out.
Actor 1: Real funny asshole. Were on the high way.
Actor 2: Haha. I know I just like the face you make at me when I say that. LOOK I GOT NEW SUNGLASSES. THERE AVIATORS!
Actor 1: You look like a hick.
Actor 3: Gotta love the car rides home.
untitled (twix bar)
The Curtain opens with two people sitting at opposite ends of a table. In the middle is an unopened twix bar.
1:30 passes with them both staring at the twix bar. No words have been shared between either people.
Someone runs by from the side of the stage taking the twix bar without stopping continuing off into the darkness which is the side of the stage.
Both people look from the spot which the twix bar was at to the other person for till 1:59, and then they smack their heads in dismay.
Curtains close
1:30 passes with them both staring at the twix bar. No words have been shared between either people.
Someone runs by from the side of the stage taking the twix bar without stopping continuing off into the darkness which is the side of the stage.
Both people look from the spot which the twix bar was at to the other person for till 1:59, and then they smack their heads in dismay.
Curtains close
The Struggle of Life
A worm is swaying trying to get out from under a rock. After if fidgets and fidgets. As it is just about to get free...
Two people run onto the stage with a ball.
Person: Hey! Throw the ball over here!
The ball hits the worm and it dies.
Two people run onto the stage with a ball.
Person: Hey! Throw the ball over here!
The ball hits the worm and it dies.
Untitled (Spanish)
[The curtain rises, revealing four people. There is a well dressed man standing in the middle of the stage (he’s the narrator). The other three people are the cast, Antonio, Graciella y TomÃ. They are all stage right, seen as left of the narrator. Antonio is the farthest from the narrator, sitting on a box/chair/whatever, calmly staring at the floor. Tomà is lying down diagonally (from the audience’s point of view, with the center of his body as the rotational origin, his head is about 60 degrees from standard angle position if his head started on the positive x axis. So his head is closer to Antonio and his feet are closer to the narrator.) Graciella is standing with her arms folded and a concerned expression, observing TomÃ.]
Narrator: En un pequeño ciudad español de Pollo Gigante, hay un epidémico de los hipos. Hay tres personas aquà que están enfermos.
Tomà [in scratchy voice]: Necesita… el jabón… *hiccup*
Graciela [anxiously]: No tengo más jabón, la mayorÃa de la población están infectada, y él suministro de la ciudad es muy pequeña.
Antonio[looks up at Graciella]: ¿Que hora es, Graciela?
Graciela: Son las ocho, más jabón llega en dos horas.
TomÃ: *hiccup* *hacking cough* *spazzes a little bit, rolls over onto side and dies*
Graciela: ¡No! ¡Tomà está muerto!
Antonio: *hiccup* Yo pienso que estoy enfermo también ahora, no sé como no vamos a morir, más de la mitad de nuestro ciudad están enfermos.
Graciela: Necesitamos olvidar a Tomi. ¡Necesitamos pensar en el futuro!
Antonio: Necesitamos jabón. Siempre necesitamos jabón. *Starts hiccupping even more*
Graciela: ¡No! ¡No tu también!
Antonio: *Hiccupping* Lo…siento. *Falls from chair, dead*
Graciela: ¡No, Antonio! *falls to Antonio’s side, holding her head in shock* ¡Mis amigos están muertos! Mi vida está terminada.*Pulls out gun and points at head* Adiós, Mundo. *Kills self*
[There is a pause, and then a delivery guy enters from off stage left with a large box.]
Delivery guy: ¡Hola! Yo tengo jabón para ellos! *He notices the bodies, and then just walks out*
Narrator: El fin.
Narrator: En un pequeño ciudad español de Pollo Gigante, hay un epidémico de los hipos. Hay tres personas aquà que están enfermos.
Tomà [in scratchy voice]: Necesita… el jabón… *hiccup*
Graciela [anxiously]: No tengo más jabón, la mayorÃa de la población están infectada, y él suministro de la ciudad es muy pequeña.
Antonio[looks up at Graciella]: ¿Que hora es, Graciela?
Graciela: Son las ocho, más jabón llega en dos horas.
TomÃ: *hiccup* *hacking cough* *spazzes a little bit, rolls over onto side and dies*
Graciela: ¡No! ¡Tomà está muerto!
Antonio: *hiccup* Yo pienso que estoy enfermo también ahora, no sé como no vamos a morir, más de la mitad de nuestro ciudad están enfermos.
Graciela: Necesitamos olvidar a Tomi. ¡Necesitamos pensar en el futuro!
Antonio: Necesitamos jabón. Siempre necesitamos jabón. *Starts hiccupping even more*
Graciela: ¡No! ¡No tu también!
Antonio: *Hiccupping* Lo…siento. *Falls from chair, dead*
Graciela: ¡No, Antonio! *falls to Antonio’s side, holding her head in shock* ¡Mis amigos están muertos! Mi vida está terminada.*Pulls out gun and points at head* Adiós, Mundo. *Kills self*
[There is a pause, and then a delivery guy enters from off stage left with a large box.]
Delivery guy: ¡Hola! Yo tengo jabón para ellos! *He notices the bodies, and then just walks out*
Narrator: El fin.
Fallen Heroes of the 90s
A guide leads a group of kids down a museum corridor, she points to the wall and says: Well kids, we’ve reached one of the sadder parts of the museum, we might as well skip this area.
Kid: What is it?
Guide (Shakes her head and says): It’s a memorial to the fallen heroes of the 90’s
Another Kid: Huh?
Guide: Take a look here (Points to the wall) his name was the cookie monster. His terrible addiction led to his downfall.
Another Kid: who’s that guy? (Points to another part of the wall)
Guide: His real name was Doug, but we all know him as quail man.
All Kids: Oooh (While shaking their heads)
Guide: Our last hero is Oscar Kokokshka. He had a great life, until Hey Arnold ended. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t read; he had to move back to Russia (Guide sighs) I hope you kids have learned some lessons from this part of the museum.
All Kids: No… these kids suck! Lets go to the sea-life section and find Sponge Bob (Kids yell and rush off)
Kid: What is it?
Guide (Shakes her head and says): It’s a memorial to the fallen heroes of the 90’s
Another Kid: Huh?
Guide: Take a look here (Points to the wall) his name was the cookie monster. His terrible addiction led to his downfall.
Another Kid: who’s that guy? (Points to another part of the wall)
Guide: His real name was Doug, but we all know him as quail man.
All Kids: Oooh (While shaking their heads)
Guide: Our last hero is Oscar Kokokshka. He had a great life, until Hey Arnold ended. He couldn’t get another job because he couldn’t read; he had to move back to Russia (Guide sighs) I hope you kids have learned some lessons from this part of the museum.
All Kids: No… these kids suck! Lets go to the sea-life section and find Sponge Bob (Kids yell and rush off)
POV (Person Writing a Research Paper)
Person’s thoughts: Alright got a 5 page AP US history paper about Civil War due in about oh…. 12 hours. Probably should start now. Let’s read wikipedia first, see what they have to say about this. Oh jeez this looks long, maybe I’ll read this later. Better check my facebook to see if anyone wrote on my wall. And….no one wrote on my wall, but apparently Jacob Sachs is no longer in a relationship. Damn that’s like 9th time this month. I’m stuck here with being complicated with Maddie Bell and Tyler Fout has been wanting to get engaged for the past few weeks. I mean Tyler is a nice guy and all but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that kind of facebook commitment. Oh and Veena is that McDonalds filet o fish commercial is really annoying, hmm guess she’s kinda right I mean who the hell thought of the idea of a singing fish talking about how humans would feel if they were in a sandwich. But I guess that’s not all that weird I mean I heard about this girl who thought her boyfriend was cheating on her, so when he was in the bathroom she asked him to pull down his pants, so she could smell his penis. Aw crap getting distracted gotta get back to this paper. Ok so blah blah blah South Carolina fires on Fort Sumter (AIM Sound) Great now Benson imed me. “Dude my parents are totally out of town this weekend, huge party my place be there, Oh can you do me a favor?” “What do you need Benson?” “Can you get me one of those strippers that jump out of cakes?” “Uhh no? Why can’t you just have strippers and cake? Or better yet strippers serving cake?” “Ahh yea good idea man, ok I got to go but for sure dude let’s just do this S*&% man!” Hmm probably will be a lame party. Ok back to the paper. Wow, so wikipedia epically failed. Let’s trying googling. Hmmmm ahh heres a website. Damn pop-ups. Whoh no way! Enlarge your penis by 5 inches in just two weeks satisfaction guaranteed. Alright click. Oh God what now? Something’s downloading! Hmm there’s a statement “Ha ha ha, wow you must seriously have some self confidence issues about your tiny penis good luck now your computer is about to crash. P.S. by the time you finish reading this your screen will go blank.”
Person: Motherf*^&%$&!
Person: Motherf*^&%$&!
What not to do if you ever start your own cooking show
Chef: Hello folks and welcome to Cooking with Billy “Burn It All” Cooke—that’s with an “e” on the end. Today in this frying pan on high heat I got cookin’ a—[yells towards offstage] Hey Rosie! Will ya bring me some hair gel? I forgot to put some on this morning.—[talking to TV audience again] Rosie’s my kitchen assistant. She’s such a babe! I asked her to marry me three times, but she said no ‘cause she’s underage, plus she says she’d look weird taking a sixty-year-old guy to her senior prom. …I wonder why she’s not comin’ with my hair gel… [Looks perplexed and scratches his head.] Oh yeah, she called in sick today, so she must be hung over or something. I mean, that’s not what she said—she said she had the flu—but whenever I call in sick it’s always ‘cause I’m hung over. Like last week, when they showed that episode of Barney instead of my show, ya know? One second, folks, I think I’m gonna have to go find myself some hair gel, ‘cause I’m always more popular with the ladies when my hair’s slicked back. [Wanders around a bit and returns with a bottle that supposedly contains hair gel, then pretends to apply hair gel.] Okay, now I’m back… so what was I talkin’ ‘bout? Oh, yeah, Rosie… No, hair gel…. No, wait… Barney? Do you folks have any idea what’s that burning smell by the way? Oh, that must be that omelet I was starting to tell ya ‘bout. [Pauses to examine the omelet, and lifts up the pan for the audience to see.] Wow, that is ONE BURNED OMELET folks! I better go find a spatula to get this gunk off my pan—it’s a darn expensive pan by the way, folks… [Wanders off absent-mindedly to search for a spatula.] Note: the chef is a cross between a “creepy old man” and a total hillbilly; accordingly, he has a “hillbilly accent” and would wear something along the lines of a plaid shirt and overalls…
Cock Fighting
Concept:
A 2 minute fight between someone in a chicken suit and someone wearing the hawken ‘hawk’ mascot costume.
The actors would be surrounding them in a semi-circle betting on either opponent, shouting and watching the fight. This could involve audience participateion
In the end the hawk would win and parade around like a champion
A 2 minute fight between someone in a chicken suit and someone wearing the hawken ‘hawk’ mascot costume.
The actors would be surrounding them in a semi-circle betting on either opponent, shouting and watching the fight. This could involve audience participateion
In the end the hawk would win and parade around like a champion
C.K.
Setting: Early morning in an old west saloon.
Characters: “C. K.” a. k. a.: Cowpie Katrina – a large, loud, abrasive, “civic minded” cowgirl and “Bar Keep” a sleep-deprived bar tender who has “seen and heard it all.”
(CK walks in to the saloon.)
CK: Morning, Bar Keep. Yer sign says yer open. How bout ya gimmie one a them supersize Caramel Macchiatos. Oh yeah, make that with 3 shots of yer best hooch.
BK: Commin right up an that’ll be 35 cents. Say, yer a stranger these parts. Whats yer doin up so early?
CK: Got to get outa town. I’m on ma speaking tour you know.
BK: Speaking tour?
CK: Yeah, I was ginin a motivational talk last night down at the Cowgirl Liberation Hall. I’m booked from now til…
BK: Oh. You mean ya don’t mean yer the one that’s got all them cowgirls worked up in a frenzy last night. Yer leavin on the early stage ain’t ya?
CK: Yeah, I think I’ll be leavin pretty soon. But right now I’d like ma Macchiatto sils vous plate.
BK: Say, what’s that C.K. embroidered on yer shirt. You warin some designer outfit or somethin? That’s a bit uppity round here. (Hands over the Macchiato.)
CK: Thems ma initials. Got a problem? Got any respect, or do I gotta teach you something? Sewed them on myself. Pretty good sewin ain’t it?
BK: Oh. No. Sorry, mam. Very sorry. Just wakin up ya know. Anyway, any tip payin customer is king in this establishment? Yer got cash ain’t ya?
CK: Ya kidding! Can ya break a 20?
BK: Well I guess, but I’ll have to open the safe. I need some more bills. Say, what’s “C.K.” stand for any way? (BK opens the safe.)
CK: Gimmie ma change and I’ll tell you. (BK counts out the change) Actually it’s ma professional name, and “K” stands fer Katrina.
BK: And “C” stands fer?
CK: (Takes a long draw on her drink) Hey, that’s a good Macchiato BK, but
I usually don’t share ma first name wid strangers. Kind a personal ya know.
BK: Hell young lady in my profession ma customers tell me everythin. I’m a pro an I’m sworn to confidentiality.
CK: Careful there! I ain’t got no patience wid no sweet talkers. I ain’t young, and I certainly ain’t no lady. And there ain’t ever bin no barkeep that ever kept his mouth shut. So spare me yer bullshit. (BK turns to shut the safe and then turns around wide-eyed.)
BK: Yer face is kinda of familiar. Ain’t I seen it before? Hey, that ain’t you over there on that wanted poster? You ain’t Cowpie Katrina are ya? The one thats, wanted for robbin saloons, holdin up banks, and (gasp) impersonatin a can-can girl?
CK: Hey, you’re a real shapie ain’t ya? Ya finally got it. Yep, that’s me. And you can tell every one of your wonderful customers that I’m gonna give your establishment a 5-star rating. That is if ya don’t waste any more a ma time wid yer smart talk!
BK: (now a bit meek) Oh no, it’s an honor mam.
CK: Aw, yer so sweet. But let me straighten out a few things for ya. First of all ya can relax. I’m a pro just like you and entirely ethical. Now most of that stuff over there is pure legend. Ma agent told me I gotta distinguish ma self. Make ma self something special for my talking tour. Ya know, feed a few stories to the feds and they’ll do all for ya. Free advertising. So that’s a bunch a made up stuff. For example: That inpersonatin a can-can girl. Only part of that’s true. I ain’t NEVER impersonated nobody. Besides as I was telling the cowgirls last night: “Don’t never do anythin a self-respectin man wouldn’t do.” And that holdin up banks an stuff. That’s jus ta add a bit of class. I ain’t dumb enough to be in that business. There ain’t no money in them banks. Them bankers already got it all fer themselves.
BK: Oh, mam I hate to interrupt, but I think the stage is about to leave. I think ya better hurry.
CK: Ah, don’t worry barkeep. I got lots a time. Got ma Hummer is parked just around the corner, an I can leave at ma leisure. Hey you brew a good drink here mister, so how bout a refill?
BK: At your service mam. (Quickly serves another drink)
CK: In fact yer such a sweetie big guy, why don’t ya keep the change? (pulls out her gun) Oh, an by the way, since ya already got yer cash box out, I’ll save ya the trouble of putting it back. I think one of those nice, pretty, little bags ya got will just the right size. Ta, ta!
Characters: “C. K.” a. k. a.: Cowpie Katrina – a large, loud, abrasive, “civic minded” cowgirl and “Bar Keep” a sleep-deprived bar tender who has “seen and heard it all.”
(CK walks in to the saloon.)
CK: Morning, Bar Keep. Yer sign says yer open. How bout ya gimmie one a them supersize Caramel Macchiatos. Oh yeah, make that with 3 shots of yer best hooch.
BK: Commin right up an that’ll be 35 cents. Say, yer a stranger these parts. Whats yer doin up so early?
CK: Got to get outa town. I’m on ma speaking tour you know.
BK: Speaking tour?
CK: Yeah, I was ginin a motivational talk last night down at the Cowgirl Liberation Hall. I’m booked from now til…
BK: Oh. You mean ya don’t mean yer the one that’s got all them cowgirls worked up in a frenzy last night. Yer leavin on the early stage ain’t ya?
CK: Yeah, I think I’ll be leavin pretty soon. But right now I’d like ma Macchiatto sils vous plate.
BK: Say, what’s that C.K. embroidered on yer shirt. You warin some designer outfit or somethin? That’s a bit uppity round here. (Hands over the Macchiato.)
CK: Thems ma initials. Got a problem? Got any respect, or do I gotta teach you something? Sewed them on myself. Pretty good sewin ain’t it?
BK: Oh. No. Sorry, mam. Very sorry. Just wakin up ya know. Anyway, any tip payin customer is king in this establishment? Yer got cash ain’t ya?
CK: Ya kidding! Can ya break a 20?
BK: Well I guess, but I’ll have to open the safe. I need some more bills. Say, what’s “C.K.” stand for any way? (BK opens the safe.)
CK: Gimmie ma change and I’ll tell you. (BK counts out the change) Actually it’s ma professional name, and “K” stands fer Katrina.
BK: And “C” stands fer?
CK: (Takes a long draw on her drink) Hey, that’s a good Macchiato BK, but
I usually don’t share ma first name wid strangers. Kind a personal ya know.
BK: Hell young lady in my profession ma customers tell me everythin. I’m a pro an I’m sworn to confidentiality.
CK: Careful there! I ain’t got no patience wid no sweet talkers. I ain’t young, and I certainly ain’t no lady. And there ain’t ever bin no barkeep that ever kept his mouth shut. So spare me yer bullshit. (BK turns to shut the safe and then turns around wide-eyed.)
BK: Yer face is kinda of familiar. Ain’t I seen it before? Hey, that ain’t you over there on that wanted poster? You ain’t Cowpie Katrina are ya? The one thats, wanted for robbin saloons, holdin up banks, and (gasp) impersonatin a can-can girl?
CK: Hey, you’re a real shapie ain’t ya? Ya finally got it. Yep, that’s me. And you can tell every one of your wonderful customers that I’m gonna give your establishment a 5-star rating. That is if ya don’t waste any more a ma time wid yer smart talk!
BK: (now a bit meek) Oh no, it’s an honor mam.
CK: Aw, yer so sweet. But let me straighten out a few things for ya. First of all ya can relax. I’m a pro just like you and entirely ethical. Now most of that stuff over there is pure legend. Ma agent told me I gotta distinguish ma self. Make ma self something special for my talking tour. Ya know, feed a few stories to the feds and they’ll do all for ya. Free advertising. So that’s a bunch a made up stuff. For example: That inpersonatin a can-can girl. Only part of that’s true. I ain’t NEVER impersonated nobody. Besides as I was telling the cowgirls last night: “Don’t never do anythin a self-respectin man wouldn’t do.” And that holdin up banks an stuff. That’s jus ta add a bit of class. I ain’t dumb enough to be in that business. There ain’t no money in them banks. Them bankers already got it all fer themselves.
BK: Oh, mam I hate to interrupt, but I think the stage is about to leave. I think ya better hurry.
CK: Ah, don’t worry barkeep. I got lots a time. Got ma Hummer is parked just around the corner, an I can leave at ma leisure. Hey you brew a good drink here mister, so how bout a refill?
BK: At your service mam. (Quickly serves another drink)
CK: In fact yer such a sweetie big guy, why don’t ya keep the change? (pulls out her gun) Oh, an by the way, since ya already got yer cash box out, I’ll save ya the trouble of putting it back. I think one of those nice, pretty, little bags ya got will just the right size. Ta, ta!
Admit One
Props: a podium, popcorn, tickets, movie theatre uniform/hat
Characters: a ticket taker, patrons, manager.
The ticket taker is at his ticket-taking (?) podium when a couple walks up to him and hand him their tickets and he looks at the tickets.
Ticket Taker: Admit one? Hmmmmm… FINE!
(he whispers loudly one confession to each patron)
* I eat gum from under benches, It gives it a little bit more flavor
* I got a perfect score of 36 on my IQ test
The patrons start walking away disgusted
Patron 1: You’re sick!
Patron 2: yea man get a life!
Ticket taker: Last one on your left, Enjoy the show!
More people start lining up, and the ticket taker makes a frustrated noise for all of the confessions that he has to make, he starts moving down the line to each one of them
Ticket taker: -I like to see gay films, and I’m not gay
* I wet the bed until I was in high school
* I took my mother to prom
* My last job at an electronics store fired me because I tasted a couple computer chips, Who knew that not all chips are edible?
Come back soon!
There starts to be uproar among the unhappy patrons and the manager comes out
Manager: what seems to be the problem here?
Patron 3: Well, this employee of yours is making crude confessions to us, and we don’t want to hear it!
Manager: (looking at the ticket taker) Is that so?
Tickettaker: isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?
Manager: What?
Ticket taker: I admit one thing every time someone gives me a ticket?
Everyone groans
Manager: You know son, I guess I’m going to have to dock your pay for this.
Ticket Taker: What? But you can’t do that.
Manager: I’m afraid I can
Ticket Taker: Actually you can’t, (manager looks confused),
Because I don’t work here!
Everyone looks confused now
So long suckers!
The ticket taker throws the tickets and takes off his uniform (a shirt or hat or something) and everyone looks like they’ve just been punk’d.
Manager: WHAT THE F-
(lights go out mid-word)
The End
Characters: a ticket taker, patrons, manager.
The ticket taker is at his ticket-taking (?) podium when a couple walks up to him and hand him their tickets and he looks at the tickets.
Ticket Taker: Admit one? Hmmmmm… FINE!
(he whispers loudly one confession to each patron)
* I eat gum from under benches, It gives it a little bit more flavor
* I got a perfect score of 36 on my IQ test
The patrons start walking away disgusted
Patron 1: You’re sick!
Patron 2: yea man get a life!
Ticket taker: Last one on your left, Enjoy the show!
More people start lining up, and the ticket taker makes a frustrated noise for all of the confessions that he has to make, he starts moving down the line to each one of them
Ticket taker: -I like to see gay films, and I’m not gay
* I wet the bed until I was in high school
* I took my mother to prom
* My last job at an electronics store fired me because I tasted a couple computer chips, Who knew that not all chips are edible?
Come back soon!
There starts to be uproar among the unhappy patrons and the manager comes out
Manager: what seems to be the problem here?
Patron 3: Well, this employee of yours is making crude confessions to us, and we don’t want to hear it!
Manager: (looking at the ticket taker) Is that so?
Tickettaker: isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?
Manager: What?
Ticket taker: I admit one thing every time someone gives me a ticket?
Everyone groans
Manager: You know son, I guess I’m going to have to dock your pay for this.
Ticket Taker: What? But you can’t do that.
Manager: I’m afraid I can
Ticket Taker: Actually you can’t, (manager looks confused),
Because I don’t work here!
Everyone looks confused now
So long suckers!
The ticket taker throws the tickets and takes off his uniform (a shirt or hat or something) and everyone looks like they’ve just been punk’d.
Manager: WHAT THE F-
(lights go out mid-word)
The End
untitled (McDonald's)
1= customer
2= employee
3= manager
* 1- Hi
* 2- Welcome to mcdonalds, may I take your order please?
* 1- I want 700 packets of ketchup, and 30 happy meals.
* 2- sir, we don’t have that much food.
* 1- fine, I want a reptile then
* 2- we don’t have that either
* 1- what do you have?
* 2- well we have burgers, fries, and-
* 1-Ok I want 2 cheeseburgers
* 2-- what do you want on them?
* 1- salsa, butter, and ice cream
* 2- ugggggh we cant do that either
* 1- why??????
* 2- because it is unnatural
* 1- this is an outrage. Let me see your manager
* 3- what is your concern sir?
* 1- you do not have the food I want to eat!!!
* 3- get out!
* 1- EXSCUSE ME!!!
* 3- I said get out, if you don’t like our food, it is not our problem.
* 1- fine, but you will never see me again
* 3- that is a sacrifice I am going to have to make then.
* 1- BYE!!
* 2- have a nice day sir.
2= employee
3= manager
* 1- Hi
* 2- Welcome to mcdonalds, may I take your order please?
* 1- I want 700 packets of ketchup, and 30 happy meals.
* 2- sir, we don’t have that much food.
* 1- fine, I want a reptile then
* 2- we don’t have that either
* 1- what do you have?
* 2- well we have burgers, fries, and-
* 1-Ok I want 2 cheeseburgers
* 2-- what do you want on them?
* 1- salsa, butter, and ice cream
* 2- ugggggh we cant do that either
* 1- why??????
* 2- because it is unnatural
* 1- this is an outrage. Let me see your manager
* 3- what is your concern sir?
* 1- you do not have the food I want to eat!!!
* 3- get out!
* 1- EXSCUSE ME!!!
* 3- I said get out, if you don’t like our food, it is not our problem.
* 1- fine, but you will never see me again
* 3- that is a sacrifice I am going to have to make then.
* 1- BYE!!
* 2- have a nice day sir.
Doggone It
(Enter Ham and Bone, tired, sweaty. Both sit on log, Ham wipes brow, looks around)
Ham: This could be the place. That bare patch over there looks familiar. (dog whistle, pause). When was it he went off, Bone?
(Pause)
Bone : 1992, I think. Was in the spring. The leaves all folding out like. Him frisky. I can see his red fur in the sunlight…
Ham: (almost interrupting) Was not. Was not spring at all. He was nosin’ in the leaf piles, wanting to frisk in ‘em, the dead leaves red and brown like him.
Bone: Maybe, Ham. Maybe it was.
Ham: The important thing is that he did come back once. Remember? Around 1993. I’m sure it was him I saw at that place back there. He could do it again. Dogs are just like wolves, just a spit from their wild cousins, and this place is loaded with mice and squirrels and things. He should be doing fine. Here boy! (desultory whistle, pause). Let’s get going.
(They heave up and proceed slowly in a circle around the stage, looking and poking. One whistle. They pause halfway around. Ham points)
Ham : Look at this!
Bone: What?
Ham: This. This pawprint on the path. It’s a dog print!
Bone: Is not. Looks more like a duck to me. You can’t tell. It’s all faded.
Ham (crestfallen, angry): You just like to hurt me. You have no faith.
(They proceed in silence back to log and sit. Pause).
Ham: Isn’t this the log we sat on earlier?
Bone (still stung): No.
Ham (friendly). I’m sure it is. Doesn’t matter. If we keep coming, he’ll trot on by one of these days. I’m sure of it.
Bone (sulking still) Not bloody likely
Ham (ignoring Bone) You know, there was that moment (pause) when we had him out and he was wanting to frisk about in the leaves or air or whatever it was, and he looked at us and we let him off, we let him go. He was glorious. There was sun on his fur. We knew he’d come back, BUT he didn’t. He’ll be back. He came back once. He’ll be back.
Ham: This could be the place. That bare patch over there looks familiar. (dog whistle, pause). When was it he went off, Bone?
(Pause)
Bone : 1992, I think. Was in the spring. The leaves all folding out like. Him frisky. I can see his red fur in the sunlight…
Ham: (almost interrupting) Was not. Was not spring at all. He was nosin’ in the leaf piles, wanting to frisk in ‘em, the dead leaves red and brown like him.
Bone: Maybe, Ham. Maybe it was.
Ham: The important thing is that he did come back once. Remember? Around 1993. I’m sure it was him I saw at that place back there. He could do it again. Dogs are just like wolves, just a spit from their wild cousins, and this place is loaded with mice and squirrels and things. He should be doing fine. Here boy! (desultory whistle, pause). Let’s get going.
(They heave up and proceed slowly in a circle around the stage, looking and poking. One whistle. They pause halfway around. Ham points)
Ham : Look at this!
Bone: What?
Ham: This. This pawprint on the path. It’s a dog print!
Bone: Is not. Looks more like a duck to me. You can’t tell. It’s all faded.
Ham (crestfallen, angry): You just like to hurt me. You have no faith.
(They proceed in silence back to log and sit. Pause).
Ham: Isn’t this the log we sat on earlier?
Bone (still stung): No.
Ham (friendly). I’m sure it is. Doesn’t matter. If we keep coming, he’ll trot on by one of these days. I’m sure of it.
Bone (sulking still) Not bloody likely
Ham (ignoring Bone) You know, there was that moment (pause) when we had him out and he was wanting to frisk about in the leaves or air or whatever it was, and he looked at us and we let him off, we let him go. He was glorious. There was sun on his fur. We knew he’d come back, BUT he didn’t. He’ll be back. He came back once. He’ll be back.
Freedom
A wife and a husband stand in the middle of the stage arguing. The man constantly pushes her and hurts her in other ways.
Greg: So who is it Sarah? The mail man? The garbage guy? Your boss? You’ve been messing around with everyone these days huh?
Sarah: Stop it! I haven’t done anything! I saw you though the other day with her, so don’t deny it. If anyone in this room’s been unfaithful it’s you. It’s over!
Greg: OVER?! It ain’t over until I’ve taught you a lesson in trust.
Greg walks over to Sarah getting ready to throw a punch. However, he is stopped short when Sarah pulls a gun from her pocket and fires a bullet at his chest. He stares for a second at her in disbelief, and then falls to the floor. Sarah stares at his corpse for a few seconds with her mouth open and panting, before she starts to laugh hysterically.
Sarah: It’s over. I’m free. OVER!
She hops excitedly over to the phone but calmly calls 911.
Sarah: Hello? This is Officer Sarah Ashburg of Green Trail Village Police. I’ve just shot my husband. Yes he’s dead. How am I sure? I’m as sure as the bullet that hit his chest. What’s that? Why’d I do it? Closure, honey. Closure. Oh and can you hurry over? He’s soaking the carpet and God knows how long that’s going to take to get out.
She hangs up the phone and sits on a chair or couch.
Sarah: You know what honey? You already did teach me a lesson in trust. That it runs out over time. And when it does, someone is always hurt. But guess what else. You can’t hurt me anymore.
Through the door comes the police, to whom Sarah comes willingly. As she is taken away, a fellow officer walks over to her.
Officer: Why Sarah? I don’t even know you anymore.
She says nothing as she is taken offstage. The officer walks over to Greg.
Officer: Domestic Violence. It does stuff to you.
Greg: So who is it Sarah? The mail man? The garbage guy? Your boss? You’ve been messing around with everyone these days huh?
Sarah: Stop it! I haven’t done anything! I saw you though the other day with her, so don’t deny it. If anyone in this room’s been unfaithful it’s you. It’s over!
Greg: OVER?! It ain’t over until I’ve taught you a lesson in trust.
Greg walks over to Sarah getting ready to throw a punch. However, he is stopped short when Sarah pulls a gun from her pocket and fires a bullet at his chest. He stares for a second at her in disbelief, and then falls to the floor. Sarah stares at his corpse for a few seconds with her mouth open and panting, before she starts to laugh hysterically.
Sarah: It’s over. I’m free. OVER!
She hops excitedly over to the phone but calmly calls 911.
Sarah: Hello? This is Officer Sarah Ashburg of Green Trail Village Police. I’ve just shot my husband. Yes he’s dead. How am I sure? I’m as sure as the bullet that hit his chest. What’s that? Why’d I do it? Closure, honey. Closure. Oh and can you hurry over? He’s soaking the carpet and God knows how long that’s going to take to get out.
She hangs up the phone and sits on a chair or couch.
Sarah: You know what honey? You already did teach me a lesson in trust. That it runs out over time. And when it does, someone is always hurt. But guess what else. You can’t hurt me anymore.
Through the door comes the police, to whom Sarah comes willingly. As she is taken away, a fellow officer walks over to her.
Officer: Why Sarah? I don’t even know you anymore.
She says nothing as she is taken offstage. The officer walks over to Greg.
Officer: Domestic Violence. It does stuff to you.
untitled (MegaCorp)
Woman and Man are two people dressed for work in the elevator. People enter on the main floor. Everyone is careful not to make eye contact with one another, except Man, who is obviously not a regular on the morning elevator ride. It lets people out on floor 3, leaving Man and Woman alone. However, the elevator unexpectedly stops between floor 5 and 6. They are both impatient because they have important meetings to go to. Woman's hair is pulled up, she is wearing a business suit, snazzy glasses, a purse in one hand and a briefcase in the other. Man is wearing a navy suit and a fresh shirt, both just recently purchased at JC Penny.
Woman walks in and turns aroundMan walks in and greets everyone.
Man: Hi. Goodmorning. Lovely day. How ya doin. Greetings m'am! (He stands in an awkward stance)
(Woman rolls her eyes)
The elevator lets out.
Man says: See ya! Have a nice morning!
(Woman stands proud, not noticing him)
The elevator starts, then stops, jerking a little.
Initially, Man's good mood isn't affected. He tries to make a casual conversation with Woman.
Man: It's a nice day out don't you think?
Woman: I don't really consider cold rainy mornings to be "nice" weather. I much prefer warm sunny days.
Man: Yes, but it's been so dry. The rains good for the flowers and the grass. And the trees. And the little frogs.
Woman: Right, the frogs. We've just gotta worry about frogs...
Awkward pause*
Man: Just to make my day even better, this delay is going to make me late. I don't have time for this.
Woman: Tell me about it. I have an appointment with my most important client, reports are due, I have to deal with my employees. My husband's out of town, my kids got pneumonia, and I have to pay my taxes.
Man: [puts out hand] Oh well.. my name's Henry, and yourself?
Woman: [with slight indication of disdain] Ms. Jacobson.
Man: What's holding them up? Can't they get this stupid thing started? I wonder how long we'll be stuck in here*
Woman: With you acting like that it's going to seem a lot longer.
Man pauses and looks at her. Keeps tapping foot with arms crossed.
Woman: [with disgust, rolls eyes, and reads a plaque on the elevator] Well, if they didn't buy cheap imported equipment, maybe it would work properly.
Man: This is an "Otis," made in Germany, the best there is. It must be the lousy maintenance by lousy workers working for a lousy company doing a lousy job! The whole building is probably falling apart.
Woman: I've worked in this building for years and I think it's well maintained. [Looks Man up and down].. Probably better than you are.
Man: And what does a woman know about maintenance?
Woman: You think I don't know about mechanical things because I'm a woman? I'll bet I know more than you, you probably never got your fingernails dirty.
Man: at least my fingernails are real.
Woman: At least my hair is real.
They both turn away and cross arms and tap feet.
Man: [starts pressing buttons on the elevator, trying to make it move.] I can't stand it any longer.
Woman: that's not all I can't stand*
Man: I can't be in here all day long, I've got an important meeting.
Woman: Yeah, you look real important.
Man: Maybe I'm not real important but the meeting is, it's my first day on a new job at MegaCorp and I want to be on time. Make a good first impression with my new boss. Why are you in a rush?
Woman: I'm the department manager for MegaCorp, and I have a new hired guy that starts today.
Man: Did you say.. MegaCorp?...
Both look at each other.
Woman walks in and turns aroundMan walks in and greets everyone.
Man: Hi. Goodmorning. Lovely day. How ya doin. Greetings m'am! (He stands in an awkward stance)
(Woman rolls her eyes)
The elevator lets out.
Man says: See ya! Have a nice morning!
(Woman stands proud, not noticing him)
The elevator starts, then stops, jerking a little.
Initially, Man's good mood isn't affected. He tries to make a casual conversation with Woman.
Man: It's a nice day out don't you think?
Woman: I don't really consider cold rainy mornings to be "nice" weather. I much prefer warm sunny days.
Man: Yes, but it's been so dry. The rains good for the flowers and the grass. And the trees. And the little frogs.
Woman: Right, the frogs. We've just gotta worry about frogs...
Awkward pause*
Man: Just to make my day even better, this delay is going to make me late. I don't have time for this.
Woman: Tell me about it. I have an appointment with my most important client, reports are due, I have to deal with my employees. My husband's out of town, my kids got pneumonia, and I have to pay my taxes.
Man: [puts out hand] Oh well.. my name's Henry, and yourself?
Woman: [with slight indication of disdain] Ms. Jacobson.
Man: What's holding them up? Can't they get this stupid thing started? I wonder how long we'll be stuck in here*
Woman: With you acting like that it's going to seem a lot longer.
Man pauses and looks at her. Keeps tapping foot with arms crossed.
Woman: [with disgust, rolls eyes, and reads a plaque on the elevator] Well, if they didn't buy cheap imported equipment, maybe it would work properly.
Man: This is an "Otis," made in Germany, the best there is. It must be the lousy maintenance by lousy workers working for a lousy company doing a lousy job! The whole building is probably falling apart.
Woman: I've worked in this building for years and I think it's well maintained. [Looks Man up and down].. Probably better than you are.
Man: And what does a woman know about maintenance?
Woman: You think I don't know about mechanical things because I'm a woman? I'll bet I know more than you, you probably never got your fingernails dirty.
Man: at least my fingernails are real.
Woman: At least my hair is real.
They both turn away and cross arms and tap feet.
Man: [starts pressing buttons on the elevator, trying to make it move.] I can't stand it any longer.
Woman: that's not all I can't stand*
Man: I can't be in here all day long, I've got an important meeting.
Woman: Yeah, you look real important.
Man: Maybe I'm not real important but the meeting is, it's my first day on a new job at MegaCorp and I want to be on time. Make a good first impression with my new boss. Why are you in a rush?
Woman: I'm the department manager for MegaCorp, and I have a new hired guy that starts today.
Man: Did you say.. MegaCorp?...
Both look at each other.
To Catch a Litterer
A TV host steps into the middle of the stage, where there are two chairs.
Chris Hansen: Hi. I’m Chris Hansen. You might recognize me from the Dateline NBC special “To Catch a Predator.” Well, the predators have caught on by now, and we can’t seem to catch anyone these days, so we’ve moved on to the next best thing: Littering. Truly an example of careless, unlawful American behavior, and tonight, we have it all on tape for you to see for your self. This is, To Catch a Litter (pause to think for a second on pronunciation)-er. We have arrived at the home of Jack Harrison, who we caught yesterday throwing his burger wrapper onto the ground of the park. We have used the help of my special team, Perverted Environmental Justice to illegally track down Harrison, who we have found to call himself HSM3lover674 on hotmail.com. Right now, we are in his house. Here he comes now.
Jack walks in and is startled by Chris’s presence.
Jack: Uh dude, what are you doing in my house?
Chris: Hello Jack. I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Litterer. We hope you don’t mind we tracked you down to your current living location.
Jack: You broke into my house?
Chris: Beside the point, Jack. Now please take a seat.
Jack: Uh, ok.
Chris: Perfect. Now Jack, or should I say HSMlover674—
Jack: You’ve been reading my emails too?
Chris: I ask the questions here Jack. Oh, and by the way. High School Musical 3 was horrible. Now, does this (holds up burger wrapper) seem familiar?
Jack: Uh, no.
Chris: No? Really, well my sources tell me something different. They say they caught you littering in the park yesterday throwing down this exact hamburger wrapper. We even took a sample of your DNA and matched it to this wrapper. What do you say to that?
Jack: Dude, isn’t that illegal?
Chris: So you admit you were there?
Jack: No, but—
Chris: You just won’t give up will you Jack? The evidence is against you. We even read your diary.
Chris holds up diary or sheet with diary words.
Chris: “I went to the HSM fan club today. It was the best day of my life. Zac Efron looked awesome. He is my idol but he makes me self-conscious. Why is his abs so rock solid? I got hungry for food and stopped at McDonalds for a burger and went for a walk in the park, jamming to “Breaking Free” on my ipod.
Chris puts down the diary.
Chris: Well, I’d just admit it if I were you. Oh, here’s a good section on the dream you had with Vanessa Hudgens—
Jack: Fine! I littered! Now stop stalking me and breaking into my house!
Chris: That’s all we need. Take him down boys!
A squad enters the stage and tackles Jack to the ground.
Chris: Littering is a federal offense, Jack.
Jack: No its not—
Chris: Thanks for watching us. Stay tuned next week for another, To Catch a Litter-er. Good nite.
Chris Hansen: Hi. I’m Chris Hansen. You might recognize me from the Dateline NBC special “To Catch a Predator.” Well, the predators have caught on by now, and we can’t seem to catch anyone these days, so we’ve moved on to the next best thing: Littering. Truly an example of careless, unlawful American behavior, and tonight, we have it all on tape for you to see for your self. This is, To Catch a Litter (pause to think for a second on pronunciation)-er. We have arrived at the home of Jack Harrison, who we caught yesterday throwing his burger wrapper onto the ground of the park. We have used the help of my special team, Perverted Environmental Justice to illegally track down Harrison, who we have found to call himself HSM3lover674 on hotmail.com. Right now, we are in his house. Here he comes now.
Jack walks in and is startled by Chris’s presence.
Jack: Uh dude, what are you doing in my house?
Chris: Hello Jack. I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Litterer. We hope you don’t mind we tracked you down to your current living location.
Jack: You broke into my house?
Chris: Beside the point, Jack. Now please take a seat.
Jack: Uh, ok.
Chris: Perfect. Now Jack, or should I say HSMlover674—
Jack: You’ve been reading my emails too?
Chris: I ask the questions here Jack. Oh, and by the way. High School Musical 3 was horrible. Now, does this (holds up burger wrapper) seem familiar?
Jack: Uh, no.
Chris: No? Really, well my sources tell me something different. They say they caught you littering in the park yesterday throwing down this exact hamburger wrapper. We even took a sample of your DNA and matched it to this wrapper. What do you say to that?
Jack: Dude, isn’t that illegal?
Chris: So you admit you were there?
Jack: No, but—
Chris: You just won’t give up will you Jack? The evidence is against you. We even read your diary.
Chris holds up diary or sheet with diary words.
Chris: “I went to the HSM fan club today. It was the best day of my life. Zac Efron looked awesome. He is my idol but he makes me self-conscious. Why is his abs so rock solid? I got hungry for food and stopped at McDonalds for a burger and went for a walk in the park, jamming to “Breaking Free” on my ipod.
Chris puts down the diary.
Chris: Well, I’d just admit it if I were you. Oh, here’s a good section on the dream you had with Vanessa Hudgens—
Jack: Fine! I littered! Now stop stalking me and breaking into my house!
Chris: That’s all we need. Take him down boys!
A squad enters the stage and tackles Jack to the ground.
Chris: Littering is a federal offense, Jack.
Jack: No its not—
Chris: Thanks for watching us. Stay tuned next week for another, To Catch a Litter-er. Good nite.
You
It’s a small coffee shop and it is quiet for it is empty except for a woman. The characters only say what they are thinking. The woman is bored and tired of the work she must get done. She looks at the audience.
Woman: (Sigh) Me.
The woman repeats only “Me” as she looks at the pieces of work she has in front of her, but not at a constant rate, at a random rate. Then, a man enters the coffee shop, saying “Me” as he carries his work as well. As he enters, the woman and man look at each other at the same time and say the same thing at the same time as well.
Man: Her.
Woman: Him.
The woman blushes and quickly looks down. The man quickly looks elsewhere as well and whistles as he glances in random directions. He then realizes he is standing around like an idiot so he sits in the table to the right of the woman’s table and sits down where his back is facing her back. The man and woman act nervous, figeting constantly. As the man takes a spoon and studies his reflection, the woman pulls out a compact mirror and studies her reflection. They both frown at what they see.
Woman: My hair!
Man: My hair!
Woman: My zit!
As the woman attempts to pop the zit on her forehead, the man looks down at his pants.
Man: My fly!
Woman: No makeup!
Man looks back at woman but quickly turns back.
Man: No ring.
Woman does the exact same thing.
Woman: No ring.
Man and woman smell their breath.
Man: Eggs.
Woman: Onion bagel!
Man smells pit.
Man: Dog
Man smells again.
Man: Wet dog.
The woman observes her clothing as the man wipes his pits with napkins.
Woman: 60 year old grandma.
She looks again.
Woman: 70.
The man and woman stop figeting and realize that the other person probable doesn’t even no they exist. They stand up to leave at the same time but don’t realize it because they are still back to back.
Man: Dumb.
Woman: Stupid.
They turn to find themselves face to face.
Man: Her eyes.
Woman: His hair.
Man: Her smile.
They pause.
Man/Woman: You.
Woman: (Sigh) Me.
The woman repeats only “Me” as she looks at the pieces of work she has in front of her, but not at a constant rate, at a random rate. Then, a man enters the coffee shop, saying “Me” as he carries his work as well. As he enters, the woman and man look at each other at the same time and say the same thing at the same time as well.
Man: Her.
Woman: Him.
The woman blushes and quickly looks down. The man quickly looks elsewhere as well and whistles as he glances in random directions. He then realizes he is standing around like an idiot so he sits in the table to the right of the woman’s table and sits down where his back is facing her back. The man and woman act nervous, figeting constantly. As the man takes a spoon and studies his reflection, the woman pulls out a compact mirror and studies her reflection. They both frown at what they see.
Woman: My hair!
Man: My hair!
Woman: My zit!
As the woman attempts to pop the zit on her forehead, the man looks down at his pants.
Man: My fly!
Woman: No makeup!
Man looks back at woman but quickly turns back.
Man: No ring.
Woman does the exact same thing.
Woman: No ring.
Man and woman smell their breath.
Man: Eggs.
Woman: Onion bagel!
Man smells pit.
Man: Dog
Man smells again.
Man: Wet dog.
The woman observes her clothing as the man wipes his pits with napkins.
Woman: 60 year old grandma.
She looks again.
Woman: 70.
The man and woman stop figeting and realize that the other person probable doesn’t even no they exist. They stand up to leave at the same time but don’t realize it because they are still back to back.
Man: Dumb.
Woman: Stupid.
They turn to find themselves face to face.
Man: Her eyes.
Woman: His hair.
Man: Her smile.
They pause.
Man/Woman: You.
This is madness!
There is a box of doughnuts in the middle of the stage. The entire cast enters, grouped by grade level. People are carrying makeshift swords and shields. The different grades roar and scream at each other. Epic battle ensues. The roaring continues throughout. Someone runs around with an opponent over their shoulder. Everyone is trying to get to the doughnut box. Eventually it comes down to two warriors. The victor stabs his opponent who screams and convulses. The victor then grabs the box of doughnuts- rips one out and holds it above his/her head. Staring at the doughnut the winner screams in the style of “300”,
Victor: “THIS IS AD-MOD!”
Victor: “THIS IS AD-MOD!”
The Fruit of Knowledge
Kid 1: So we’ve got Adam and Eve.
Kid 2: Uh-huh.
Kid 1: And their chilling in the garden of Eden.
Kid 2: right.
Kid 1: (makes snake motions with his hands) So the snake comes up to innocent Eve and is like – “Hey! Produce of knowledge! If you eat this apple you can know what G-d knows!”
Kid 2: Right.
Kid 1: Except it’s a crappy deal because all they find out is
One. That they get to die!
Two. That they are different genders and want each other in an upsettingly incestuous way
Kid 2: Yeah. Pretty much. Except you know, it couldn’t be an apple.
Speaker 1: What do you mean?
Speaker 2: Well. This story is from the bible, right? We’re talking about Ancient Mesopotamia or at least around there. They didn’t have apple trees. The original myth probably had a fig.
Speaker 1: A fig.
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: The fruit of knowledge is a fig?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Like fig Newtons?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Eve sacrificed paradise for a fig? Not even an apple which is at least mildly ascetically pleasing. You know shiny and round and crimson or yellow, sort of sexy as fruit goes- but a fig- this weird
Speaker 2: Yup.
Speaker 1: Well that sucks.
Kid 2: Uh-huh.
Kid 1: And their chilling in the garden of Eden.
Kid 2: right.
Kid 1: (makes snake motions with his hands) So the snake comes up to innocent Eve and is like – “Hey! Produce of knowledge! If you eat this apple you can know what G-d knows!”
Kid 2: Right.
Kid 1: Except it’s a crappy deal because all they find out is
One. That they get to die!
Two. That they are different genders and want each other in an upsettingly incestuous way
Kid 2: Yeah. Pretty much. Except you know, it couldn’t be an apple.
Speaker 1: What do you mean?
Speaker 2: Well. This story is from the bible, right? We’re talking about Ancient Mesopotamia or at least around there. They didn’t have apple trees. The original myth probably had a fig.
Speaker 1: A fig.
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: The fruit of knowledge is a fig?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Like fig Newtons?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Eve sacrificed paradise for a fig? Not even an apple which is at least mildly ascetically pleasing. You know shiny and round and crimson or yellow, sort of sexy as fruit goes- but a fig- this weird
Speaker 2: Yup.
Speaker 1: Well that sucks.
Vacations of Mortality
Narrator: (step forward) Southern Florida. Where Puerto Ricans come to live and rich Caucasians go to die.
Enter four girls wearing big sunglasses and brightly colored beach outfits. They all strike poses looking pleased with themselves
Girl 1: Hey that’s my shirt!
Girl 2: Are you serious? I’ve had this shirt since I was six!
Girl 3: You must have been a really…developed 6 year old.
Girl 1: (to Girl 2) Ha! She agrees with me
Girl 3: No. No. I was just noticing…
Girl 4: Oh god guys, shut up.
(Elderly woman enters. Girls immediately pose like choir girls)
All Girls : Hi grandma!
Grandma: Want some cookies?
Narrator: ((Everyone freezes and the narrator steps picking up the cookies) Expiration date… Feb. 1993 (pats grandma) Expiration date…soon
Girl 1: (Everyone unfreezes- grandma hobbles around mumbling- the girls pose again)This house smells like death.
Other Girls: Shhhhh!
Girl 1: They can’t hear me anyways!
Girl 2: (picks up cookies) Why doesn’t grandma ever throw anything out?
Other Girls: (shrug) eh.
Girl 3: It helps with our beach diets! (They all pose clutching their stomachs)
Narrator: (Girls unmoving) If you remembered Germany 1943 you might not throw out cookies either. If you remembered a time when even 15 year old cookies were a delicacy you would keep old Fig Newtons. If there was a time when people threw stones at your back because you were Jewish, if you had almost been denied passage to America because of your terrible eyesight, if any of these images survived in your mind, rising like the wafting smell of ink off a fresh pressed newspaper- then you might keep the cookies.
(narrator step back. Grandma enters carrying an especially large box. Topples over)
Girl 2: (Takes off sunglasses) Grandma. Let me help you. (Other girls come over to help)
Grandma: (kisses Girls 2 on the cheek and then pats her head) Thank you Fanny. (Hobbles away)
Girl 2: That’s my mom’s name.
To be old is a terrible, terrible thing.
Girls: To be old is a terrible, terrible thing. (Link arms and walk off)
Enter four girls wearing big sunglasses and brightly colored beach outfits. They all strike poses looking pleased with themselves
Girl 1: Hey that’s my shirt!
Girl 2: Are you serious? I’ve had this shirt since I was six!
Girl 3: You must have been a really…developed 6 year old.
Girl 1: (to Girl 2) Ha! She agrees with me
Girl 3: No. No. I was just noticing…
Girl 4: Oh god guys, shut up.
(Elderly woman enters. Girls immediately pose like choir girls)
All Girls : Hi grandma!
Grandma: Want some cookies?
Narrator: ((Everyone freezes and the narrator steps picking up the cookies) Expiration date… Feb. 1993 (pats grandma) Expiration date…soon
Girl 1: (Everyone unfreezes- grandma hobbles around mumbling- the girls pose again)This house smells like death.
Other Girls: Shhhhh!
Girl 1: They can’t hear me anyways!
Girl 2: (picks up cookies) Why doesn’t grandma ever throw anything out?
Other Girls: (shrug) eh.
Girl 3: It helps with our beach diets! (They all pose clutching their stomachs)
Narrator: (Girls unmoving) If you remembered Germany 1943 you might not throw out cookies either. If you remembered a time when even 15 year old cookies were a delicacy you would keep old Fig Newtons. If there was a time when people threw stones at your back because you were Jewish, if you had almost been denied passage to America because of your terrible eyesight, if any of these images survived in your mind, rising like the wafting smell of ink off a fresh pressed newspaper- then you might keep the cookies.
(narrator step back. Grandma enters carrying an especially large box. Topples over)
Girl 2: (Takes off sunglasses) Grandma. Let me help you. (Other girls come over to help)
Grandma: (kisses Girls 2 on the cheek and then pats her head) Thank you Fanny. (Hobbles away)
Girl 2: That’s my mom’s name.
To be old is a terrible, terrible thing.
Girls: To be old is a terrible, terrible thing. (Link arms and walk off)
Knight's Glorious Death
(two knights fight with swords)
Knights: Hya!!!! (keeps making fighting sounds while Sword fighting)
(after a while)
1st knight: Well, I’m tired of this.
2nd knight: Do you want ot end this?
1st knight: Well, I’m not a quitter.
2nd knight: Give me a yes or no. Do you want to end this?? (annoyed)
1st knight: Well, we’ve been fighting for a while…
2nd knight: We’re going to be here even longer if you don’t answer.
1st knight: Fine.
2nd knight: That’s a yes.
1st knight: Sure, why not; let me go to sleep.
2nd knight: Okay.
(2nd knight pulls gun out and shoots 1st knight, 1st knight falls to floor)
2nd knight: He’s finally at rest… That was annoying…
CURTAIN
Knights: Hya!!!! (keeps making fighting sounds while Sword fighting)
(after a while)
1st knight: Well, I’m tired of this.
2nd knight: Do you want ot end this?
1st knight: Well, I’m not a quitter.
2nd knight: Give me a yes or no. Do you want to end this?? (annoyed)
1st knight: Well, we’ve been fighting for a while…
2nd knight: We’re going to be here even longer if you don’t answer.
1st knight: Fine.
2nd knight: That’s a yes.
1st knight: Sure, why not; let me go to sleep.
2nd knight: Okay.
(2nd knight pulls gun out and shoots 1st knight, 1st knight falls to floor)
2nd knight: He’s finally at rest… That was annoying…
CURTAIN
2 Minutes of amazing play writing
Teacher:
Billy you are so terrible at school when will you ever get better; you get nothing but c’s and d’s. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
(Mute child) Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
Teacher:
Your grades are so bad I may have to speak to your mother by making a phone call home.
(Long pause)
Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
Teacher:
Imp very infuriated with your academic performance. What is wrong with you?
(Still no response from the boy)
Narrator:
Years of this strange behavior continued and teachers and Billy’s call mates began to call him dumb and stupid. They would taunt him in the hall and throw things at him during lunch.
Fear built up inside of the young boy. He thought to himself; why can I not talk, why am I so dumb?
One day when Billy was a senior in high school his English teacher called him into his office
English teacher:
Billy your academic performance has been sub par over this quarter. What can we do to change this?
Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
English teacher:
Billy please try to share your feelings vocally.
Billy:
Billy writes on a piece of paper “I cant sir.”
English teacher:
Yes you can son, just open your mouth and talk.
Narrator:
And so the boy talked for the first time in his life. His ideas and feelings came rushing out from within. The English teacher the next day assigned a creative writing piece and Billy was excited. His feelings ran smoothly on the keyboard. Five days later he got a call from the English teacher.
English teacher:
Hello? Is Billy there? Imp calling to inform you that you received a 95 on you last paper.
Narrator:
And so the journey begins Billy goes to a small liberal arts college in the country and becomes a children’s book writer in Scandinavia. If it weren’t for his English teacher he new would have accomplished his goals.
Billy you are so terrible at school when will you ever get better; you get nothing but c’s and d’s. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
(Mute child) Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
Teacher:
Your grades are so bad I may have to speak to your mother by making a phone call home.
(Long pause)
Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
Teacher:
Imp very infuriated with your academic performance. What is wrong with you?
(Still no response from the boy)
Narrator:
Years of this strange behavior continued and teachers and Billy’s call mates began to call him dumb and stupid. They would taunt him in the hall and throw things at him during lunch.
Fear built up inside of the young boy. He thought to himself; why can I not talk, why am I so dumb?
One day when Billy was a senior in high school his English teacher called him into his office
English teacher:
Billy your academic performance has been sub par over this quarter. What can we do to change this?
Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
English teacher:
Billy please try to share your feelings vocally.
Billy:
Billy writes on a piece of paper “I cant sir.”
English teacher:
Yes you can son, just open your mouth and talk.
Narrator:
And so the boy talked for the first time in his life. His ideas and feelings came rushing out from within. The English teacher the next day assigned a creative writing piece and Billy was excited. His feelings ran smoothly on the keyboard. Five days later he got a call from the English teacher.
English teacher:
Hello? Is Billy there? Imp calling to inform you that you received a 95 on you last paper.
Narrator:
And so the journey begins Billy goes to a small liberal arts college in the country and becomes a children’s book writer in Scandinavia. If it weren’t for his English teacher he new would have accomplished his goals.
A War Story
Actors: 8 (Jackson, Paula, and six others)
Scenario: Jackson, a soldier who has just returned from being at war for a year, is with his girlfriend, Paula at his house. They are on the couch, and Jackson is describing a war story to Paula. As he describes it, other actors are enacting his story.
Note: It doesn’t really matter what gender the actors are except for Jackson, Paula and Sean, which is why in some places it says “they” or ”them” instead of “him” or “her”.
At the start, Jackson and Paula are sitting on a couch, center-stage.
Paula: My God! That doesn’t even seem possible!
Jackson: I know! I really have a hard time replaying it in my mind.
Paula: Well, I don’t want to make you relive these awful times. Please, let’s just do something else.
Jackson: Paula, really, it’s fine. We’ve lost so much history from soldiers who haven’t passed on their stories. I just want to pass on history.
Paula: Well if you’re absolutely sure. I will always respect your opinion.
Jackson: Don’t worry about it, Babe. So, after I saw something from the sky and hit the ground (an actor enters from stage-left slowly spinning with their arms out before finally landing center-stage in front of the couch and falling), I ran over to it because I had no idea what had just fallen! (Another actor enters from stage-right and runs over to center-stage). I realized it was someone from my rank, and I helped them up. I put their arm around my shoulder, and helped ‘em walk back to the jeep. (The actors act this out and exit stage-left)
Paula: What happened to them? Were they badly hurt? How did they manage to stand up after flying through the air!?
Jackson: Well, somehow they managed to survive being hurled through the air by a roadside bomb. Luckily they weren’t too close to it! After I saw to it that they were going to be okay, I returned to the line of fire to aid my comrades. We were lying on the ground behind a small hill, out of the enemy’s sightline. (Four new actors, two from each side of the stage, enter and meet in the middle. They all get down on their stomachs and pretend to hold up army rifles facing the audience). I looked to my left (actor second from the right from the audience’s perspective looks to his left) and saw that the private next to me wasn’t fully covered by the hill, and I started to tell them to get covered when they were shot in the leg. (The actors enact this). I rolled them over on their back towards me to tend to their wound whenI noticed two enemies approaching (two new actors reveal themselves from the audience and run towards the other actors with guns), so I yelled to the privates next to me to watch out and take care of them.
Paula: Did your comrades kill them?
Jackson: Yup, first shot from each. (The enemy actors pretend to be shot in the chest and then stumble off to opposite sides of the stage).
Paula: But what happened to the wounded private?
Jackson: I told the one of the other two privates that were with me to take them back. (One of the actors from the stage-right side of the actors on the ground helps the wounded actor up, puts the wounded private’s arm over their shoulder, and helps them hobble off stage-left). At that point, the remaining private, Sean, and I advanced forward with other soldiers. (The remaining two actors circle around the couch, depicting a good amount of walking). We walked for a good amount of time before we heard a noise behind us. (The two actors should have ended up behind the couch). We saw it was a jeep coming fast for us, driven by Captain Chesterhaven. (The actors just look off to one side of the stage that is behind them. Another actor does not enter to portray the Captain). He was signaling for us to get in, so we ran off to him and got in the jeep (the actors run off to where they were looking).
Paula: And then?
Jackson: And that was it for that day. The ride back to camp was completely silent; I’m not sure why. I just thought about all that had happened that day.
Paula: Jackson, I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know what else to say other than ‘thank you’.
Jackson (smiling): Paula, you don’t have to say anything. Telling you about this is thanks enough.
Paula: I love you, Jackson.
Scenario: Jackson, a soldier who has just returned from being at war for a year, is with his girlfriend, Paula at his house. They are on the couch, and Jackson is describing a war story to Paula. As he describes it, other actors are enacting his story.
Note: It doesn’t really matter what gender the actors are except for Jackson, Paula and Sean, which is why in some places it says “they” or ”them” instead of “him” or “her”.
At the start, Jackson and Paula are sitting on a couch, center-stage.
Paula: My God! That doesn’t even seem possible!
Jackson: I know! I really have a hard time replaying it in my mind.
Paula: Well, I don’t want to make you relive these awful times. Please, let’s just do something else.
Jackson: Paula, really, it’s fine. We’ve lost so much history from soldiers who haven’t passed on their stories. I just want to pass on history.
Paula: Well if you’re absolutely sure. I will always respect your opinion.
Jackson: Don’t worry about it, Babe. So, after I saw something from the sky and hit the ground (an actor enters from stage-left slowly spinning with their arms out before finally landing center-stage in front of the couch and falling), I ran over to it because I had no idea what had just fallen! (Another actor enters from stage-right and runs over to center-stage). I realized it was someone from my rank, and I helped them up. I put their arm around my shoulder, and helped ‘em walk back to the jeep. (The actors act this out and exit stage-left)
Paula: What happened to them? Were they badly hurt? How did they manage to stand up after flying through the air!?
Jackson: Well, somehow they managed to survive being hurled through the air by a roadside bomb. Luckily they weren’t too close to it! After I saw to it that they were going to be okay, I returned to the line of fire to aid my comrades. We were lying on the ground behind a small hill, out of the enemy’s sightline. (Four new actors, two from each side of the stage, enter and meet in the middle. They all get down on their stomachs and pretend to hold up army rifles facing the audience). I looked to my left (actor second from the right from the audience’s perspective looks to his left) and saw that the private next to me wasn’t fully covered by the hill, and I started to tell them to get covered when they were shot in the leg. (The actors enact this). I rolled them over on their back towards me to tend to their wound whenI noticed two enemies approaching (two new actors reveal themselves from the audience and run towards the other actors with guns), so I yelled to the privates next to me to watch out and take care of them.
Paula: Did your comrades kill them?
Jackson: Yup, first shot from each. (The enemy actors pretend to be shot in the chest and then stumble off to opposite sides of the stage).
Paula: But what happened to the wounded private?
Jackson: I told the one of the other two privates that were with me to take them back. (One of the actors from the stage-right side of the actors on the ground helps the wounded actor up, puts the wounded private’s arm over their shoulder, and helps them hobble off stage-left). At that point, the remaining private, Sean, and I advanced forward with other soldiers. (The remaining two actors circle around the couch, depicting a good amount of walking). We walked for a good amount of time before we heard a noise behind us. (The two actors should have ended up behind the couch). We saw it was a jeep coming fast for us, driven by Captain Chesterhaven. (The actors just look off to one side of the stage that is behind them. Another actor does not enter to portray the Captain). He was signaling for us to get in, so we ran off to him and got in the jeep (the actors run off to where they were looking).
Paula: And then?
Jackson: And that was it for that day. The ride back to camp was completely silent; I’m not sure why. I just thought about all that had happened that day.
Paula: Jackson, I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know what else to say other than ‘thank you’.
Jackson (smiling): Paula, you don’t have to say anything. Telling you about this is thanks enough.
Paula: I love you, Jackson.
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