Minutes Away From Death

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a plane. An emergency

announcement is made: “Brace for impact”. The plane is about to go down as the woman turns to the

man and tries to convince him to marry her to fulfill her goal of marrying before the age of 30.

Props needed: 2 chairs and a ring

Both are sitting curled up (hands over the knees in a bent position) to brace for impact.

Dialogue:

Woman: *Sits straight* Will you marry me?

Man: *Sits straight, gives the lady a strange look*

Woman: Will you marry me? (In a louder tone this time)

Man: Lady, pardon me, but I barely know you.

Woman: Well, now would be the time to get to know each other! What is your name?

Man: This is not happening right now… (whispers)

Woman: What is it?

Man: William. Does it really matter anymore?

Woman: Well I am Susan, William. *Takes ring off of index finger and gives it to the man*. Take it!

Man: *Takes the ring*. What for?

Woman: Don’t you know the procedure? You get down on your knee and ask me, “Will you marry me

Susan?”

Man: Lady, this is not the time! If I would be you, I would brace myself and pray. *Curls up*

Woman: (Almost screaming) I am doomed to be an old, unwanted and never married woman in the

afterlife if you don’t propose to me right this moment! (Softer voice)- I don’t you think you really want

to deny me of my last wish…

Man: Fine! *Gets up, moves to the other side of the woman and gets down on his knee*. Will you marry

me Susan? (loud and clear)

Woman: Oh yes! (exclaims joyfully)

Man: I don’t feel right…

Woman: Oh don’t pull the guilt trap on me now!

Man: I mean I’m really not a supporter of polygamy or infidelity..

Woman: Well pretend that you’ve divorced your other wife! *Looks at his finger* You’re not wearing

your wedding ring anyway!

Man: Neither one of us has a ring…

Woman: What kind of marriage is that?

*Captain announces that “The emergency is over, there is no more need to brace for impact. We are

back on route”.*

Woman: Well, now you’re going to have to tell whatever her name is…that you are now my husband

and not hers! By the way, what is your wife’s name?

Man: Actually, it’s Mike…

*Both stare at each other*

THE END

Teenagers at Their Finest

Welcome. Please have a seat. Now, this is a formal interview, but please,

just be yourself. The important thing to remember is that I just want to get

to know you to see if our school would be a good fit for you. Let’s start with

something simple. Tell me about yourself. Who are you?

o I don’t know.

As good an answer as any, I guess. But is there anything you can say?

Anything that defines you that would make our school appealing to you?

o I don’t know.

Well, all right then, moving on…what is it about this university that brought

you here? What do you find interesting about this establishment?

o I don’t know.

Oh, c’mon. You’re here; there must be something that caught your attention.

o I don’t know.

Really, sir, this interview may determine your whole future, your life! Don’t

you think that “I don’t know” is a bit of an underwhelming response to my

most basic questions?

o I don’t know.

Do you think this is funny? Like this is all just a joke?

o I don’t know.

(Depression) This can’t be happening to me. How can I make you understand

how important this interview is?

o I don’t know.

(Anger) Arrggghhh stop that right now! Just answer my questions! These

aren’t difficult, they’re just standard questions, why won’t you answer me?

Answer me, God damn it!

o I don’t know.

(Bargaining) Oh God, please make it stop! What can I give you to make you

leave? Anything, name it, it’s yours! What do you want from me?

o I don’t know.

(Depression) I just can’t stand it anymore. Why won’t you just tell me what I

want to know? Why can’t you just follow the rules like everyone else?

o I don’t know.

(Acceptance) Well, I guess I set myself up for this, asking you to be yourself.

Is there anything you do want to talk about?

o I don’t know.

Okay then. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll just go and get some work done. You

can excuse yourself whenever you want to.

o (Sits for a while, gets up, moves to door, turns) So I’m in, right?

Oh, yes. Definitely.

o (Walks out door)

The Smart Board

The idea behind this skit is the simple problems some teachers face with Smart Boards, like the remote sometimes doesn’t work and orienting the machine, but the Smart Board can speak out loud to the teacher, the Board does most of the talking as the teacher just stares in aw.

Teacher: Agh why isn’t this working!

SB: I’m not feeling too well.

Teacher: Well, what can I do to make you feel better, because I need you for my class?

SB: Try pushing the button on the projector and not my remote.

Teacher: Ok, but now I can’t write in a line!

SB: Even though you’ve turned me on, this doesn’t mean I am oriented; just push a few more buttons to get me straight.

Teacher: ok…

SB: ERROR ERROR AUTO RESTART

Teacher: This thing is crap; I’m just going to unplug it!

SB: (turn back on quickly) No no, stop, I’m sorry I’m just a little tired.

Teacher: You’re a machine, you don’t sweat, you don’t get tired, boohoo, suck it up!

SB: ERROR ERROR, SHUT UP SHUT UP

Teacher : I don’t need you, I’ll just go the old fashion way, the chalk board.

SB: That wall will never be like me.

Teacher: I know, it doesn’t get tired, you big smart baby!

Chillin’ With the Swedes

CAST:

INGVAR – A Swedish Viking who has been charged with bringing two Danish captives to the king of Sweden. Rather brash and likely to rush into things without a thought.

YNGVE – INGVAR’s dearest friend, and the more levelheaded of the two. YNGVE is often left to rescue INGVAR when his plans fall through.

Two Scottish captives rescued from Denmark.

--

Open: Three men run onstage from the left, one (leading) with arms bared, carrying a sword and shield, the other two (following) huddled together beneath a blanket for warmth. A man already stands at the middle of the right half of the stage, clad similar to the leader of the three. The leader of the three stops several feet from the man, and the two huddled men stop several feet behind him and continue to huddle and shiver.

INGVAR: (Panting from the long run) Yngve, your timing is impeccable.

YNGVE: It would appear so, Ingvar.

INGVAR: (Searching awkwardly) Is there meat left for three?

YNGVE: (Stern, uncaring) There is meat enough. (Sighing, YNGVE shakes his head and makes firm eye contact with INGVAR, who seems desperate to avoid it) Tell me, Ingvar, for I much desire to assuage these thoughts of mine, what was your plan of escape?

INGVAR: (Stunned, purposefully exaggerating windedness) My plan?

YNGVE: (Condescending) Of escape, yes. This was my question, and it is good to know your hearing, at least, has not fled with the rest of your senses! It is nearly a league of ice and water from Danmark to safety, and you believed the Danes would not see your ship leaving their land?

INGVAR: (No longer faking tiredness) Have you no faith in luck?

YNGVE: In broad daylight? I should be so hopeful! Why is it you hold the capacity for scheming so flawlessly against our own superiors, but never against the enemy?

INGVAR: Because I know you will save me! What use is a plan, Yngve? My luck has held often enough before, and against far worse than three score Danes!

YNGVE: (Sighs, annoyed) I do not know which is more pathetic, that you should continue to forgo planning and charge headfirst into unnecessary battles, or that the Danes should continue to fail in killing you despite your recklessness.

INGVAR: (Joking, jovial) It must be the second, for the Danes have not learned from my strength the power of the Swedes, else they would have fled to the mainland!

YNGVE: (Incredulous) Ingvar, you truly had no plan?

INGVAR: In truth? (Stern, serious) I had hoped that we would reach half way across, maybe more, before the Danes caught up to us. Then, I would leap into the water and –

YNGVE: (Furious, shouting and gesticulating) And what? Freeze? And then where would the King’s guests be?

INGVAR: (Laughing) You forget, Yngve, we are Swedes! We do not freeze, we become marginally chilled!

YNGVE: (Still angry) Then you should have marginally chilled to death!

INGVAR: But the Scotts would have made it.

YNGVE: (Resigned, shaking his head, mumbling) I think the Danes’ storm has marginally chilled your mind, my friend.

INGVAR: (Laughing full force as he slaps his friend on the back, he grins) That it may have, but these Scottish lovelies, courtesy of Danmark, will be more than marginally chilled should we not get them to the camp soon.

YNGVE: True, true. (Grinning) All right, you Scotsmen, enough chilling. Now it is time for feasting and warmth. We’d not want the Swedish king to be accused of attempting to freeze his guests, after all.

INGVAR: No, only his men!

EXIT.

Direction(s)

(An ordinary looking man sits on a ‘bench’ reading a newspaper and looking very interested in the article he is following. A frazzled looking woman with a map in her hand walks by, finally conceding to ask for directions. She approaches the man cautiously.)

Woman: “Excuse me,”

Man: (Not even looking up from his paper.) “Do you want something?”

Woman: “Well, I’m a bit lost actually,”

Man: (Uninterested, turning a page.) “Is that so?”

Woman: (Questioningly) “I was wondering if you could give me directions.”

Man: (Finally looking up from newspaper, annoyed sigh.) “What makes you think I know where you’re looking to go?”

Woman: “I just assumed- I have a map here. I don’t know where I am.”

Man: “If you don’t know where you are, how am I supposed to know where you are?”

(Pause, woman looks confused.)

Man: (Exasperatedly gets up and slams the paper on his ‘bench’.) “Really, who’s to know where any of us are going if we don’t even know ourselves? (Conclusively) If I decide to take the subway, and you decide to take the subway, we’re both moving in the same direction, but to different destinations. We may be going the same way, to the same target, but as soon as we step off that metal monster we’re two different people again with two unlike paths.”

Woman: (Quickly) “Sir, I’m not looking for the subway, I’m just-“

Man: (Interrupting) “But it could be the exact opposite couldn’t it? I could be going to temple and you could be going to church, and we’re both on different sides of the earth travelling by car or bus or train, but we’re doing the same thing with the same intention, just on different trails. We’re not so different then. (Increasingly animated, begins to walk around.) Is that what links everyone, do you think? The paths we go on, do they define us? When you think about it, we’re all just doing the same thing; wandering around this dammed earth looking for something.”

Woman: (Stepping back) “I have a lunch date I’m going to be late to-“

Man: (As if she has just proved his point) “That’s exactly it! Where do we all go to? Where do we come from, and how? Does it even matter? Is that our purpose, to find the place we were looking for all along only to realize that we have to keep searching? (Dramatic pause, slower) Do we slow down only in death? Is death brought upon us when we find our objective, or is it the last destination?”

Woman: (Backing up, creeped out) “You know what, that’s alright; I’m going to ask someone else.” (Quickly, she exits)

(Man watches her go before picking up his newspaper again, sitting back down on his bench. He opens to where he left off and begins to read. After a long moment, he calls after her.)

“Broadview Road,”

(Curtain)

Question #42

Characters:

1

2

Setting: The end of time

(2 is siting staring out. 1 approaches)

1: What are we waiting for?

2: Why do you ask?

1: What else am I supposed to do?

2: Were you not content before?

1: Isn’t there more to life?

2: Why change what’s been set forth?

1: Shouldn’t we strive for more?

2: What is your reasoning?

1: Do I have to have a reason?

2: (testy) What else do you want to know?

1: What is it all about?

2: How should I know?

1: Don’t you know the answer?

2: Do I look any different than you?

1: Where are we?

2: Will you quit asking me?

1: How else will I find the answer?

2: Why should I care?

1: What?

2: Why?

1: Why what?

2: Why are you asking so many questions?

1: How else will I learn?

2: What would you gain?

1: What else is there?

2: Why do you care?

1: (angry) Why won’t you tell me?

2: (loud) What is the point?

1: (desperate) WHAT IS THE ANSWER?

2: (roar) I DON’T KNOW!

(Gasp. Both are shocked. There is a long moment of uncertainty.)

2: (quiet) What did I just do?

1: Is this the end?

2: Or is it the beginning?

1: Is this reversible?

2: Or is it permanent?

1: How do we go on?

1: Where should we go?

2: What can we do?

(pause)

1: How will we survive?

2: Where is the end?

1: What is the answer?

2: What is the question?

End-

The Orange (Bum Da Bum) - Part 1

(Two people are onstage, one standing while the other sits. They both look exhausted, and warn down from a strenuous conversation.)

Lyla: So… (looks inquisitively at orange)

Benjamin: Yup. (holding an orange)

Lyla: You have an orange. (moves closer to the orange, carefully)

Benjamin: I have an orange.

Lyla: And this orange… (moving closer)

Benjamin: This one here.

Lyla: You claim that this orange, in your hand- right there (points), fell from the Telocrastus. (moving closer)

Benjamin: Yes.

Lyla: Can you explain please how this orange (points again, more animatedly) “fell” from Telocratus, the PLANET?

Benjamin: Well, Telocrastus has been orbiting the Earth for near a hundred MILLION YEARS, and it (getting more and more into the story) only passes the Earth ever 2,000 YEARS, not months, not days, no. YEARS! Anyways, so they-

Lyla: But… no… (flustered) Telocrastus CAN’T EXIST! IT wouldn’t work. (loosing confidence)

…. (paces, thinking)

Benjamin: Well, actually-

Lyla: (interrupting Benjamin) Even if it did, NASA or whatever would’ve, ya know, like… seen it! They have REALLY, REALLY BIG TELESCOPES!

Benjamin: Telocrastus has a large series of rings that surrounds it entirely, making its surface blend in with the black night sky, ALMOST undetectable. Anyways, so the Telecrastians-

Lyla: (Looks at Benjamin, utterly flustered. Giving him a look, that begs him to not make his story anymore complicated)

Benjamin: (walks to Lyla) Don’t worry they’re just the extra terrestrials that inhabit Telcrastus. They’re harmless, honestly. But, they’ve been observing the human population ever since its infancy and the Earth itself. And earlier today, Telecrastus passed directly over us! For years now, they’ve been making contact with the human population but nobody has an open enough mind to believe it.

Lyla: (ultimately confused, she continues to look at the orange) And this orange…

Benjamin: This orange is how they make contact with us humans. For this is not an orange at all, but a KEY!

Lyla: (breathing heavily) A key? Eh… To what? An alien safe?

Benjamin: Now don’t be silly, it’s the key to unlocking a communication device between the Telecrastians and us humans. Look, I’ve got to go, but you can hold on to this for me. (throws orange to Lyla)

Lyla: (looks at it trying to figure out how it works, pressing buttons here and there, as she pulls hairs from her head and acts increasingly insane)

…. (remains on stage inquisitively looking at the orange throughout the entire next play)

(at the end of the play… Lyla carefully puts the orange down, having given up on trying to unlock it)

(Lyla exits, and as soon as she leaves a voice from a microphone offstage echoes a strange language that repeats many forms of “bum ba dum” as a spotlight is shown upon the orange)

I Heard You (Part 2)

This play is to be performed right after The Orange.

(Lyla runs back on the stage (after leaving, having given up on the orange) looking frantically for the voice (her hair is tasseled and slightly more disheveled from before)

(the orange is right where she left it)

Lyla: I heard you! Oh aliens! Ha (turning to an empty spot)! Ha (turning behind her to yet another empty spot)!

(Lyla exits through the audience)

Alien 1: jklasfdjhfdnm,v kjkfsdajkds je

Alien 2: kjsd;lkfhdjshfiulweh;khs kdsjfl;ksdjf sfjsdkfj;kls iowe f ;sdl

Alien 1: ksjdf;kldjsufh kjfs ;njsdkf;oish fksdj fjksd sdjf s f fj kfj s dfkj sd sdkj f klf hjfewiouhj fehfsdk kjhnscjnmvnjsh/l

Alien 2: lkasjf kn ksfk;l ksdklf ajdfkljsn jf fs jdsk KLFDJS FJAJFKJK h Kh H hjH Jk;ljK jhlhjhKHkhHjhhjJKJKJSDHF JSDFHFSJ h akjdskfhie JD

Alien 1: KJSKLFJIEJ kk ksjk KKJKFJIFJKJK kjfksa ijifkcnc jdk kjkl kKKJFKASFIW dkfjlkjp LKjkJ kkJkj KjkJkjK kljkJKkjKJkkjk

(actors improve a conversation speaking in a language involving many “bum”s, “ba”s, “badi”s, and other words involving “b”)

(Alien 1 picks up the orange)

Alien 2: skjdfklsd kjsdlk KLJH J KJ KJ KJKLJ KLHFKLA kjklf (referring to the orange)

Alien 1: (nods) jksdfhjsh;ks

(both Aliens leave together, taking the orange with them)

Lyla: (enters from behind the audience, sees that the orange is gone and runs onto the stage) Ha! I knew it!

Benjamin: (enters from the opposite side of the stage from where he left in The Orange (Bum Ba Dum)) Lyla?

(Lyla looks at him with a wicked, insane grin)

Lyla: It’s gone! Ha! Ha! Ha! I knew it!

Benjamin: (skeptically) Lyla, are you okay?

Lyla: I knew I unlocked it!

Benjamin: unlocked what?

Lyla: the ORANGE! (looking at Benjamin inquisitively)

Benjamin: (worried) Lyla, maybe it’s time for you to go home. (taking Lyla gently by the arm) Come one.

Lyla: No!

Benjamin: Lyla, you got to stop this. Come on, I’m gonna take you home.

(Benjamin takes Lyla offstage as gently as he can without hurting her)

(Alien 1 & 2, reenter laughing and place the orange back on the ground and exit)

Lyla: (offstage) Did you hear it!? Ben, come on! (runs onto the stage with Benjamin a little behind, and sees the orange) Wow.

Benjamin: Huh…

(the orange has become blue with a strange silver writing)

Curtain.

Honey Farty Ducky

Albert: I love you, baby waby face. (squeezing the hand of his newlywed wife)

Samantha: I love YOU, babykins. (squeezing back)

Albert: So, how exactly are we supposed to get to the hotel, lovey dubby cup.

Samantha: I’ll grab the map, Mr. handsomey teddy webby bear. (climbs into the back of the car to reach map, inadvertently sticking her but into Albert’s face while he tries to drive)

…(a moment passes, and Samantha passes a fart)

Albert: (makes a disgusted face, over-exaggerate it!)

Samantha: (plops down back into her seat holding the map, as Albert struggles to control his face) Found the map, Mc. Heart throbber. (leans in for a kiss, but the smell worsens and Albert dodges causing Samantha to fall)

Albert: Oh my goodness! Was that a cow, goldie doll?! (covering) I’m sorry my whittle cinnamon cutie pie. (struggles to figure out how to role down the window)

Samantha: (gives a slightly inquisitive look to pet name choice) A cow?! Oh no, you don’t think we hit it, cookie dovey!

Albert: (still struggling open the apparently locked windows) Oh no! (desperately) Oh no, I doubt it, my whittle shoey dewy do. (distractedly)

(smell continues to worsen, as Samantha continues to fart progressively louder)

Samantha: (another look) Oh damn, this map is in Greek, honey bears!

Albert: Well we are in Greece, honey fartey ducky. (distracted)

Samantha: WHAT did you call me, jelly bean?

(farting continues)

Albert: (realizing his mistake, but unable to focus) I love you, my lil’ kitten litter.

Samantha: Oh, maybe I misheard money muffin.

(loudest and longest fart explodes, sounding throughout the entire stage)

Albert: (passes out from smell)

Samantha: (evilly laughs as she takes Albert’s watch, wallet, and wedding ring and lets go of the lock button on the window. She steps outside of the car, smiling wickedly) What would I do without you, my honey farty ducky.

(a man walks across the street, and Samantha runs after him stuffing Albert’s watch and wallet)

(catching up to the man) hey there, love muffin, wanna grab some lunch? I’ll buy. (still smiling wickedly)

Silence is Not Awkward

Person 1 and Person 2 enter the scene, sit on either sides of the stage, and look at each other. Person 1 smiles. Person 2 stares. It is silent.

Person 2 (looking bored): Well, this is awkward.

Person 2 gets up and leaves. Person 1 looks disappointed. Person 3 sits down. Person 1 smiles. Person 2 stares. It is still silent.

Person 3 (looking freaked out): Well, this is awkward.

Person 3 leaves. Person 1 is now annoyed. Person 4 enters. Person 1 opens a magazine and doesn’t bother acknowledging Person 4. Person 4 smiles for a few seconds. Person 1 eventually looks up, relieved, and smiles back.

CURTAIN

Love

Two friends, one boy and one girl, eating breakfast over a table, presumably at a diner.

Volume of their voices crescendos and gets progressively louder until they’re screaming!!!!! !!

Start

Beginning with Girl and Boy chowing down. It takes a little while to begin while they are emphatically and excitedly devouring breakfast. Licking of the plate is involved.

Girl: Mmmm… I really really really like these pancakes.

Boy: I really really really like the chocolate chips in my pancakes.

Girl: I love chocolate chips!

Boy: I love chocolate ice cream!

Girl: Ben and Jerry’s are my two favorite people!

Boy: I love Mitchell’s ice cream!

Girl: My favorite flavor’s blueberry.

Boy: I love raspberry.

Girl: I love picking raspberries!

Boy: I love apple-picking!

Girl: I love Autumn!

Boy: I love you!!!

Horrifyingly awkward pause in which Boy stares at the girl and girl slowly turns away from him.

Girl: I love these pancakes….. (That loud enthusiasm has disappeared and the energy level has regressed lower than the beginning of the play.)

Boy looks very awkwardly away.
Both look back down at their plates and eat quietly.

Scene End

Facebook Fanatic

*Scene takes place in a common room where a group of five kids sit down to hang out and begin a study session. A girl sits at the opposite end of the table and opens up her mac computer.

Character 1: Hey, did you guys see what Shelly was wearing today?

Character 2: (Laughs) Yea that was so weird I didn’t even know what to say.

*Group shrugs and begins to take out school supplies and packets

Character 3: Okay so let’s read this first section first and then discuss how we’re going to go about it.

*Group nods in agreement and dives into a their reading material with deep concentration

*Few seconds pass...girl let’s out a small giggle. A few group members glance up, and continue to read

*Girl begins to tap her fingers on the computer surface, and let’s out a sigh of annoyance. All group members stare at her

Girl: Sorry...this girl isn’t even that pretty I don’t know why she’s getting so many comments on her new album..

*Group gives her a blank stare, and begins to work again

*Few more seconds pass, and girl lets out a squeal

Girl: Brian Towny just POKED me!!

*Group gets significantly more annoyed and a few members roll their eyes

*Girl takes out a digital camera and takes a self-snapper doing a peace sign

Girl: (mumbling while looking at her camera) Totally about to be my new prof pic..

Certain group member: Hey would you mind keeping it down a bit? We’re just trying to get this lit project done....so yea...

*Girl shrugs innocently

*Girl begins to type obnoxiously loud and fast

Girl: (talking to herself) Oh my god no way.....no she didn’t...I could never do that...

Another group member: Seriously could you please just stop talking to yourself? I literally can’t concentrate at all.

Girl: Oh, sorry! My sister just turned 21 and is telling me about her night...sooo crazy.

*Some group members give her an awkward nod of acknowledgement to shut her up

*More seconds go by....girl begins to look confused and places her finger to her chin..

Girl: Wait, you don’t know Tracy Walker do you? I was looking at her profile the other day and I could have sworn I saw someone who looked exactly like you in one of her pictures!

*Group begins to whisper to themselves and come to consensus.

Group member: Alright one, yea I play soccer with Tracy. Two, if you can’t shut up we’re gonna have to move to another table and that would be really inconvenient after we just got settled in. Can you please just stop?

Girl: Jesus....chill. Alright whatever.

*Long moment goes by, girl gasps and slams her hand on the table.

*Group members stand up quickly and pack up their stuff. They begin to walk out the door.

Girl: Wait you didn’t even ask for my name!....Request me ok?!

*Group leaves room.

END

Recreational Boredom

Person 1 sits down next to person 2

Person 2 stares ahead

Person 1 looks around for a few seconds

Person 1: Hello. It’s a nice day don’t you think?

Person 2: Do I think? Well of course I think. Granted I may not have been thinking right then, forgive me that, but I do think. In fact I would say most of the time my brain is moving in a way that is considered thinking and it takes some great effort to clear my mind of said thoughts and guide it into a state of thoughtlessness. Which if u had not yet gathered, I was just in.

Person 1 in a confused voice: Sorry. I was simply commenting on how nice a day it is.

Person 2: Nice? I just saw a man knock an old ladies purse out of her hand and not even bother to stop and apologize let alone pick it up. Not to mention a certain stranger showing his annoying tendency to interrupt another’s personal thoughts with misguided notions on the mood of the day.

Person 1: I-

Person 2: You. Yes, well all people generally think about these days are themselves so with that conversation starter you should fit right in with the crowd.

Person 1 insulted: Well… I… hmph…

Person 1 angrily gets up out of the chair and marches off stage

A few seconds pass

Person 3 sits down next to Person 2

Person 3: Thanks for saving my seat!

Person 2 smirking: Oh no problem.

Sit in silence for a few seconds

Person 1 returns and sits in seat next to person 3

Person 1 mumbles: There are no more empty seats…

Uncomfortable silence

Finally Person 3 turns to Person 1

Person 3: Nice day don’t you think?

Person 1 storms off

Person 2 lets out a chuckle

Person 3 looks confused

Confused Kyle

Narrator: When a team wins the Super Bowl or any major playoff game in football, there are instantly T-Shirts that read, for instance, “Green Bay Packers Super Bowl Champions”. Have you ever thought of what happens to the pre-made shirts of the losing team? Well here’s the story of one non-sports fan that received one of the Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl Champions T Shirt.

Scene: (Son lost in a new school)

Narrator: Kyle has recently moved to Pittsburgh, it is the morning of his first day of school and he’s anxious of what the students are going to think of him, so to be safe (or so he thinks) Kyle decides to wear his recently acquired “Pittsburgh Steelers 2010 Super Bowl Championship” Shirt. Little does he know, the Steelers lost the championship and most kids at the school were not too happy about it.

Kyle: (walks around anxiously and asks a kid where a classroom is)

“Uhh… Where’s room 6-F?”

Other Kid: (Starts to point in a direction, pauses, and takes a closer look at the T-shirt). “What are you a packers fan??”

Kyle: “No I’m a Steelers fan, (points to shirt), see…”

Other Kid: “Yeah, ha, real funny” (walks away)

Kyle: (puzzled)

…

Kyle: “Finally, 6-F”

Narrator: “Immediately as Kyle walked into the room he noticed his teacher was a huge Steelers fan, as he had a banner, and many posters of different players and championship years. He thought this was a good thing and immediately knew he could directly relate. Little did he know that this teacher was a notorious hard ass; especially when it came to his Steelers.”

Kyle: “Hi Mr. Smith, I’m youre new student Kyle, I noticed you’re a big Steelers fan, me too. (Points to shirt).

Teacher: (Puts on glasses, examines shirt) “Ha, pretty funny wise-guy cracking jokes on day when I see. (Walks towards kid, looks down on him as he stands directly over him) I don’t like when kids crack jokes, especially about my Steelers. I think that deserves a detention.

Kyle: But…

Teacher: And trying to appeal, hmm. Yeah that’s two detentions. Now take your seat.

Narrator: And so to his seat went Kyle, having no idea why he had just received a detention and pessimistic about his future in his new school, and city.

Bowling

Props: 3 people as talking bowling pins

2 bowlers

2 chairs

(Bowler and bowler’s friend walk into bowling alley)

(The two bowlers sit down and put on bowling shoes)

Bowler 1: Oh my god bowling is SO easy.

Bowler 2: Yes it is, but I’ve heard some crazy stuff about this place.

(Bowler 1 throws ball and all 3 pins fall over)

(Bowler 1 walks back to seat)

Bowler 1: Psh! What a joke! How easy.

(Bowler 2 goes up to take a turn)

(Pins are all lined up)

(Yell following lines angrily)

Pin1: Come on hit me you little turd face!

Pin2: Show me what you’ve got geyser!

Pin3: Try and hit me sucker!

(Bowler 2 runs back to Bowler 1)

Bowler 2: You’ve got to hear this! Dude, you got to see this!

(Bowler 1 and 2 run up to the lane)

Bowler 1: Here, let me have a try.

(Bowler 1 takes a turn)

(Pins all hop out of the way and laugh)

Pin1: You thought it would be easy.

(Pins all laugh at Bowler 1.)

(Bowler 1 angrily takes another turn)

(Ball goes way up above the lane)

(Pins all waddle, laugh turn necks, in unison at the ball)

Pin 1: (laughs) You throw like a girl!

Pin 2: Blind?

Pin 3: Check your pits big guy.

(Bowler 1 smells arm pits and passes out)

Pin 2: Look who knocked down who. (Turns to crowd) Is bowling so easy now?

Stretch

The scene is a waiting room. A row of five seats holds a mixed group of people sleepily waiting for whatever they're waiting for. Among them is a young mother with a baby hidden in a bundle of blankets. She rocks the baby and pinches its cheeks, etc. throughout the scene.

As they sit in silence, one woman becomes increasingly uncomfortable and anxious. She squirms around, trying to become more comfortable in her very cramped seat, but can't take it anymore and stands up to stretch. She stands directly in front of the other people and begins to perform a series of complex contortions and yoga poses. She acts as if no one else is there as her stretches become progressively more strange and hilarious. She sighs loudly and takes extremely loud breaths as the others become increasingly taken aback by her behavior. She finally ends up pushing against the other people to support her balance, kicking them and even pressing against them, without seeming to notice she's doing so.

The woman with the baby in particular becomes increasingly annoyed and offended by the woman's bizarre stretching. Eventually, she snaps, letting out a shrill war cry and launching the bundle in her arms at the offending woman. The others shriek in horror as they watch the infant fly through the air and knock the stretching woman to the ground. As the scene settles they turn to look in shock at the mother, who calmly utters:

Don't worry, that baby's not mine.

CURTAIN

Fruit Wars

When the play begins a grape is thrown across the stage from SL to SR.

1 second later another grape is thrown from SR to SL.

(This continues every second throughout the play, back and forth)

At 5 seconds into the play a small orange is thrown across the stage from SL to SR.

5 seconds later another small orange is thrown from SR to SL.

(This continues every 5 seconds throughout the play, back and forth)

At 10 seconds into the play a grapefruit is thrown across the stage from SL to SR.

10 seconds later another grapefruit is thrown from SR to SL.

(This continues every 10 seconds throughout the play, back and forth)

At 30 seconds into the play a cantaloupe is thrown across the stage from SL to SR.

30 seconds later another cantaloupe is thrown from SR to SL.

(This continues every 30 seconds throughout the play, back and forth)

At 60 seconds into the play a watermelon is thrown across the stage from SL to SR.

At the 2 min mark a grape, small orange, grapefruit, cantaloupe, and watermelon are all thrown into the center of the stage.

Lipogram

Lipogram, n. A composition from which the writer rejects all words that contain a certain letter or letters. (Oxford English Dictionary).

The play begins with lights up on 1, who is experiencing an existential crisis.

1: A thing…is missing from this world.

2: A thing?

1: Mmm-hmm.

2: What is it?

1: I don’t know.

2: Why do you think it’s lost?

1: It’s hard to say. I lack…composition.

2: I don’t think I follow.

1: This thing; it’s so basic! And it’s missing.

2: What symptoms can you pinpoint?

1: I look out my window at - at nothing. It’s as if I am painting without a color.

2: Which color?

1: …I can’t say.

2: [sotto voce] You sound similar to that royal Danish guy.

1: And my food has no flavor.

2: Did you try adding salt? cinnamon?

1: Duh. I did. Nothing works.

2: What did you cut your food with? A fork? A spoon?

1: No. A spatula…But it was lost long ago. Prior to lunch.

2: So now it’s missing.

1: I think I lost it. I don’t know how. It’s a kind of symbol, I think.

2: A digit?

1: No, I don’t think so.

2: For adding or subtracting?

1: No…no. Truly ubiquitous.

2: It’s a symbol, but not for counting? that is, not for math? (apologetically) I’m good at math.

[1 shakes head, despondent. beat]

1: (a sudden revelation) But posit that it is an animal that is missing!

2: What?

1: An animal with a long trunk.

2: Oh! Such as a lion?

1: No!

2: An aardvark?

1: No!

2: I know! [gesturing like a Brontasaurus’s neck] a Brontasaurus.

1: No!! With a trunk, you know. And big – [gestures futilely at the ears] – flaps…on its cranium?

2: What an odd mammal you posit.

1: To posit, or not to posit – that is all I ask... (sighs) I must abandon this grand pursuit now, or I will go mad.

2: A good thought. After all, I’m hungry. Your talk of food has my stomach growling.

1: I wish I could think of what is missing. It’s almost, but not…

2: (cutting 1 off, but in a friendly way) Quit!

As they exit, they pass two characters walking onstage. The two characters are carrying a banner that unfurls to read:

This play brought to you by:

E

Curtain.

What Now, Bitch?

The scene opens with four teenage girls sitting around a table. They are discussing how they would act if they ever meet Justin Bieber.

Girl 1: So what would you guys do if you met Bieber? I would totally flip.

Girl 2 (leans back in her chair): I’d act cool and ask for his autograph. I don’t want to scare him away.

Girl 3: Oh. I don’t know. (Leans on her elbows with her head in one hand) I’m getting swoozy just thinking about it.

Boy enters stage, and walks up and stands off to the side of the table, looking puzzled.

Girl 4 (Sharply): Snap out of it. If you keep acting like this, he’d never even talk to you.

Girl 1 (Leans across the table at Girl 4, voice rising):Well I don’t want to be just another faceless girl to him.

Girl 2: Do you want to be another crazy fan, he’s got enough of those.

Boy (Steps up to the table): What are you girls talking about?

Girl 4 (Turns to glare at Boy): We were talking about how we would act if we met Bieber.

Girl 3: Yeah, it’s just such a-

Boy (Scoffs and cuts off Girl 3): What? You’re never going to meet him, and even if you did, he wouldn’t notice you.

Girl 1 (Stands up and walks up to Boy, getting in his face): So what are you saying about us?

Girl 4 (Stands up by the table with her hands on her hips): Yeah. You aren’t even a part of this group or this discussion.

Boy: I’m just saying, the chances of you girls actually meeting Bieber in person-

Justin Bieber (Walks on stage and up to the table): Hey guys, I’m Justin Bieber.

Everyone turns to look at him.

Boy (Freaks out, jumps up and down, and shouts): OMG! OMG! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! IT’S JUSTIN BIEBER!

Boy starts hyperventilating and sits down in Girl 4’s chair, muttering ‘Justin Bieber’ repeatedly.

Bieber: Hey girls, wanna come to my party?

Girl 4: Sure. What about him? (Points at Boy)

Bieber: He looks a little busy right now. Let’s go.

Bieber and all four girls begin to walk of stage. Girl 4 stops and looks back.

Girl 4 (Smugly to Boy): What now, bitch?

Curtain

Cast

Girl 1: spazzy

Girl 2: calm

Girl 3: slightly less spazzy/ swoozy

Girl 4: in charge/ bossy/ snappy

Boy: weird

Bieber: confused

Valentine’s Day Qualms

-Start-

Boy 1: Hey, Sam! What are you getting Lilly for Valentine’s Day!? (Excessive, silly enthusiasm)

Sam: OH CRAP. (Eyes widen). Oh, God.

When is that?

Boy 1: Uh… Sam… it’s today

Enter Lilly

Sam: Hey… Lilly (hesitant, distractingly)

Boy 1: Lilly, you’ll never guess what Sam got you for Valentine’s Day!

Sam hits boy 1 on the arm in a “REALLY, MAN?!” gesture and raises his eyebrows violently at him, attempting to send lasers through his gaze. That’s the expression to think.

Boy 1 laughs silently and points a figure at Sam in “hahaha you’re screwed kind-of way”

At the same time, Lilly’s face goes white, which Sam and Boy 1 obviously don’t notice.

Lilly: Oh, really Sam…. Well, gotta go. Bye! (Pecks Sam on cheek)

Lilly rushes away hurriedly to stage left. Boy 1 exists. Sam goes stage right.

Spotlight on Sam

Sam: God, what am I gonna do, what am I supposed to get her. What do girls like…?

Spotlight Lilly. Lilly: I can’t believe I forgot about Valentine’s Day. I have to go to the mall… (Mumbly)…What do guys even want for Valentine’s Day. What am I supposed to get him… a COD? (ie. Call of Duty) I don’t even know what that is…

Sam and Lilly rush and run around the stage a few times, intertwining their paths, and the spotlights follow them, but dimmer than when they speak. Sam goes Stage center and Lilly meets up with him.

Sam: Oh hey Lilly! (Hesitantly)

Lilly: Hi Sammy.

Both are extraordinarily nervous. Twitching. Looking down and around. Lilly plays with her hair. Neither will meet the other’s eye. Neither are willing to bring up the elephant in the room.

Sam: Uh, so, how was your day?

Lilly: You know… Same old, same old. (Evasively) How bout you, whadyou do?

Sam: Nothin special, just… football with the guys.

Lilly: Sam, I gotta tell you… Sam: I didn’t get you present!

(Start talking at the same time, and we only hear Sam’s sentiment by the end. His is louder.)

Lilly: Wait, what?!

Sam: Yeah, I know, it’s Valentine’s Day, and I forgot and I’m horrible and I’m so sorry and I love you!

Lilly: WAIT, WHAT?!

Sam: Yes, I know, I forgot to buy you a present.

Lilly: No, after that.

Sam: I’m so sorry?

Lilly: No!… You love me?!

Sam: Well… yea. (Almost shamefully)

Lilly: Sam… I love you!

Lilly leaps and throws her arms around his neck, and they kiss.

Lilly leans away.

Lilly: Sam?

Sam: Yea?

Lilly: I forgot to get you a present too.

Sam shoves Lilly away in one swift motion. His mouth is wide open and he looks horribly offended.

There’s a foot of distance between them and the appalled expression remains on his face.

Curtain closes.

Shopaholics Anonymous

FADE IN:

INT. Room with four chairs in a circular formation. AA meeting style.

There are 2 girls already seated and one is just walking in. One girl that is seated holds a notepad and pen and appears to be the discussion leader. The other girl is casually on flipping through a fashion magazine obviously uninterested. The girl entering the scene is loud and chatting on her phone.

DISCUSSION LEADER

Okay it is exactly eleven o’clock everyone, so please be seated. This is our first Shopaholics anonymous meeting and I would like everyone to be comfortable and acquainted.

(DISCUSSION LEADER gestures to empty chair in circle and looks at the LATE AND LOUD GIRL)

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

Omigod omigod you won’t believe it but this lady is yelling at me. I mean not only does she need some new clothes but a new attitude. Nobody talks like that to me, okay... okay love. ttyl I gotta deal with this.

(hangs up phone dramatically and shoots a death glare at DISCUSSION LEADER)

DISCUSSION LEADER

I am very sorry ma’am, but as far as I remember I was never yelling. If my “attitude” (air quotes) is a problem, you can leave and talk to your friend elsewhere.

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

That was not my friend...get your facts right missy.

(says this with attitude)

DISCUSSION LEADER

She wasn’t your friend? Then who was she?

(with a surprised and confused look upon her face)

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

She was the manager of Saks Fifth Avenue, she was just informing me that because of my loyalty as a customer I was going to be given complimentary shipping with my next in-store purchase.

(says this in a snotty way; bragging)

DISCUSSION LEADER

(gapes at LATE AND LOUD GIRL, and expresses the “Are you stupid?” look)

MAGAZINE GIRL

(starts crying)

DISCUSSION LEADER

Are you alright Miss?

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

It’s okay don’t worry about her it’s probably just PTSD.

(acts as if bored, not interested in MAGAZINE GIRL crying)

MAGAZINE GIRL

(stops crying for a moment)

Do you even know what PTSD is?

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

Of course, do you think I’m dumb? It means that you’re in awe of a Perfect Talented Shopping Diva.

(says this in a proud manner)

MAGAZINE GIRL

Wow, you aren’t dumb at all.........

(very saracastically)

I was upset for you because Rebecca Bloomwood, the manager at Saks said the same thing to me. And I fell for it until I found out it was a scam.

LATE AND LOUD GIRL

What?... A scam??? But I talked to her for a full 5 minutes..... we..we were almost friends.

(very upset with this news and seems shocked. Stutters toward end)

DISCUSSION LEADER

Ladies, this is a perfect segway to the topic of consumerism and how it affects our lives. And to your pleasant surprise ladies, if a store offered complimentary shipping with an in-store purchase, then logically speaking there is no shipping so there is no promotion. Understand?

(MAGAZINE GIRL and LATE AND LOUD GIRL are in awe)

MAGAZINE GIRL and LOUD GIRL

(same time) You speak shop?

(both start screeching and screaming and ask the DISCUSSION LEADER for more advice and tips)

DISCUSSION LEADER

I don’t believe you are capturing the bigger picture of my logic. And yes, I once was a shopah.....

(is cut off by a random girl who walks in)

RANDOM GIRL

Sorry I’m late darlings but my mother always told me to be “fashionably late so you can leave early” plus I was busy ordering the now sold-out Sardegna wedge pump in Monogram Vernis.

DISCUSSION LEADER and MAGAZINE GIRL and LATE AND LOUD GIRL

You speak Louis?

aka CSAA

Characters:

• Jennifer – member of CSAA; addicted to “Bones”
• Mark – organizer/counselor; was once addicted to “Law and Order”
• James – member of CSAA; addicted to “CSI”
• Scott – member of CSAA; addicted to “Criminal Minds”
• Cameron – NEW member of CSAA; actually a reporter trying to find a lede

Props:

• Several chairs – five of them should be in the shape of a circle

Premise:

A group of five people are sitting in a circle—two females and three males. One of the men sits at the top of the circle, and the audience should be able to sense that he is some sort of authority figure. They are at a Crime Show Addicts Anonymous meeting. A new member arrives today. This is a typical meeting. – Audience should not find out that it’s about crime shows until later in the piece.

* * * *

[Jennifer, Stacy, James, and Scott get settled in their usual seats in the circle and politely acknowledge each other.

Cameron shuffles in, anxious for the first meeting. Stands near the door.

Mark enters and sits at the chair at the top of the circle.]

Mark: Welcome. It’s so nice to see you all again… I see we have a new member joining us today! What’s your name, son?

Cameron: My...my name is Cameron. And I’m twenty-four.

Mark and rest of group: Welcome, Cameron!

[Mark points at each character as he introduces them.]

Mark: These are Jennifer, Stacy, James, and Scott. Why don’t you sit down and we can begin.

[Cameron sits in a chair next to Jennifer.]

Mark: Here at Crime Show Addicts Anonymous, also known as CSAA, we use a four-step method to help you all overcome your addiction to Crime Shows.

Scott: But I’ve been here for eight months, and I still religiously watch “Criminal Minds.” If I miss a single episode…

Mark: [Interupts.] That’s enough Scott. Just think about our four-step plan. [Turns back to Cameron.] Sorry, Cameron, what was I saying?

Cameron: Addiction. Crime shows. The method?

Mark: Ah, yes. So, we have all had our bouts of crime show addiction. I, for one, was obsessed with “Law and Order.” It all started when I was in high school, and I got a ticket for speeding—65 in a 25—and had to appear in court. I just loved everything about reading and sorting evidence…

Jennifer: Okay, Mark. You tell us this story EVERY SINGLE TIME. You clearly never got the job you wanted, to work in a courthouse. You’re supposed to be helping us with our addictions, not drone on and on and on about your life story. How about my addiction to “Bones,” when are you gonna fix that?! Asshole.

Mark: You know our rules, Jennifer. Be civil. Be obedient. And listen to me. Or you will be out of here as quickly as you can say murder. [looks at Cameron.]…sometimes our arguments get heated but we love each other.

James: [once quiet, now angry] You know we don’t love you. You just talk about your life and we never get to let us talk about “the four-fucking-step method,” let alone fix our problems. I still watch “CSI” every day, and I’ve been coming to these damn meetings for, I don’t know, two years! I want to get rid of the habit and get out of these meetings!!

Mark: [looking at Cameron] As I was saying... We will, I will, help you overcome your addiction to crime shows. The first step is to admit that you have a problem, so what is it? What show are you fanatic of?

Cameron: Well, you see. I don’t have a problem.

Mark: Come on. You’re missing the point here. You need to admit it. What show? How often?

Cameron: No, seriously. I don’t have a problem. I’m actually a local reporter for The Times, and I think I just got the best story of my career. Thanks guys!

[Cameron starts to rush out the door.]

Mark: You had us fooled. These are ANONYMOUS, meaning no one can find out about them. That’s against the rules, the code!

Cameron: No, you had them fooled. None of them are getting anywhere with your phony four-step method, and the sad part is: they don’t actually have problems. You just make them think that being a big fan of a TV show is a bad habit, an addiction. But it’s healthy. Unlike your desire to make everyone listen to your sad story and your aspirations for a better life. Peace, bitches! [looks at members of group] and leave these meetings, they won’t help.