We'll Always Have Interstate 90

Dramatis Personae

Julie: Wife

Hank: Husband

Cynthia (Voice off-stage)

Each seated in chair. Hank is driving.

Julie: I can’t believe we’re going to be so late.

Hank: You worry too much . (He looks at watch). We’ll be there any minute.

Julie (Exasperated): That’s what you said twenty minutes ago.

Hank: So I underestimated the length of time required for my shortcut. At least I got us here.

They drive awhile in silence. Hank steers one way than the next with a confused look on his face. Julie crosses her arms and taps her feet impatiently.

Julie (Pointing): What about that church?

Hank: What church?

Julie: That church.

Hank: That’s not a church, it’s a temple.

Julie: No look, that’s a cross up there.

Hank. That’s a telephone pole -- see there’s a star of David.

Julie. It doesn’t matter. We passed that church twenty minutes ago. You just driven us in a very long, very complicated, very circular circle.

Hank: It’s not my fault. I have a poor sense of direction. That’s why I wanted to bring Cynthia.

Julie: That tart! Of course you couldn’t bring her along. Two is company but three is a crowd.

Hank: But it’s not what you think. I have no romantic interest in her at all. (He pauses and looks exasperated) She a GPS system after all.

Julie: That’s what you want me to believe. But I know better.

Hank: She just gives me directions, that’s all. She’s just a machine.

Julie: If she’s just a machine, why do you spend so much time together?

Hank: So I don’t get lost.

Julie: If she’s just a machine, why did you give her such a sexy voice?

Hank: That’s just the voice they give.

Julie: That voluptuous come hither voice with an English accent. Oh,oh turn left at the next intersection and please don’t stop touching my breasts.

Hank: SHE’S A MACHINE. She doesn’t have any breasts. A few buttons . . . but they’re not that fleshy.

Julie: Then why did I catch you two in bed the other night when I came home from my meeting?

Hank: I . . . I was doing research.

Julie: Yeah, for the Kinsey institute.

Hank: I was trying various travel scenarios.

Julie: You know I think you like to run errands -- just so you two can spend time together.

Hank: Listen, we ARE lost now. If you want to get to your cousin’s house, one of use had better ask for directions.

(Julie exits vehicle. Hank watches her and then cautiously, sheepishly, guiltily he pulls something from beneath his seat. He presses a button).

Cynthia (Voice off stage): Hello, Hank, I thought you’d never get rid of her. What are you wearing? I am wearing nothing at all.

Hank: Calm down, will you? She’s on to us. You have to give just the directions from now on.

Cynthia: I’ll give you directions all right --- to my pleasure zones.

Hank: Listen, it’s over. We need to end this thing. Or she might turn you off permanently.

Cynthia: If she turns me off, whose going to turn you on? What do you want, hot sugar or tepid porridge?

Hank: But I can’t, . . . I can’t . . . the car is in her name?

Cynthia: What good is a car if you can’t start the engine?

(Hank looks in the direction of his wife, pauses for moment, then starts the engine and drives off. Julie runs after him)