Damn Thing Won't Start

Royce enters L and walks across the stage as if on the left side of a hallway. Chevy enters from the right, walking directly at Royce. Royce speaks in a clipped British accent and is dressed somewhat nicely. Chevy wears jeans.

Royce: Hello, Chevy. How’ve you been fairing lately?

Chevy: Oh, pretty good. Things have been running a bit rough, but hey…

Royce: That’s how things are, chap. You just have to keep running.

Chevy: You said it, Royce. Hey is that a new jacket? Looks nice…expensive if you don’t mind me saying.

Royce: Not at all! That’s just my uh…my style, you know?

Chevy: Yeah, totally. Hey I hate to tell you, Royce, but you do know you’re on the wrong side of the hallway, right?

Royce: Beg your pardon?

Chevy: You’re on the wrong side of the hallway. You’re supposed to walk on the right.

Royce: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I’m just so used to England, we walk on the left side you know (Royce takes a step upstage so he is now on the appropriate side of the hallway) Actually, Chevy, I know a man who could probably take a look at you if you’re feeling that under the weather.

Chevy: Really? I don’t know, I doubt he can help me… I’ve got bad war-I mean insurance.

Royce: I do suppose that’s right. (Glances at a watch) Oh dear, I’ve got to be off! Thank you so much about the hallway bit.

Chevy: No need. Good to have seen you, Royce

Royce: Always a pleasure, Chevy.

They exit. As they exit, Jill enters R walking slowly and reading a magazine. She is followed by Gustav, who seems to be walking dangerously close behind her and is clearly frustrated.

Jill: Oh dear lord, I should tell Tommy about that.

Jill takes out a cell phone and begins to dial. As she does so, she squints down at the magazine and slows down. Gustav instantly runs into her.

Gustav: (speaks in a German accent) Ach, mein pants!

Jill: What the hell? Damn it! Look at these jeans! What were you doing, walking right behind me like that?

Gustav: Vell maybe, if you hadn’t been valkink so damned slowly and readink ze magazine und such, I vould not have run into you! (he mumbles) vomen valkers…

Jill: I’m not even going to respond to that. Well, now my pants are ruined. (She licks her thumb and rubs at the spot where Gustav hit her, as if trying to remove a stain)

Gustav: Ach, the same for mein luxury german pants (he does the same)

They exit. As Jill and Gustav exit, an Old Lady enters L, walking slowly. Suddenly, as she reaches center stage, she clutches her chest and collapses. As she falls, Alex enters R. She sees the Old Lady fall, and rushes to her side.

Alex: Oh my god!

Alex pulls out a set of car jumper cables. She places one end on the Old Lady’s chest, and holds the other two in her hands. She jumps up in the air, running in place, until the Old Lady stands up, apparently unhurt.

Old Lady: Thank you so so much, I don’t know what I would have done without you here.

Alex: Nothing to worry about, but you really should get that replaced. (Alex points at the Old Lady’s chest)

CURTAIN