Table Talk

Four actors in a circle/square, each with a hand of cards. The other three look at Actor A expectantly, as he/she ponders deeply about the cards. After a long pause:

A: I fold. he sets his cards down and shrugs

C across from A, very patiently: This isn’t poker, A.

B: Look, if your cards suck, you can just say “pass.”

A: Okay. I pass.

B: There. Okay. I bid 2 clubs.

A: Go fish.

D: Are you serious?

A: Yeah, I don’t have that card, so?

C: Shh! Don’t tell them what’s in your hand!

B: A, we’re not playing Go Fish. This is Contract Bridge, okay? You don’t joke around in this game. People devote their lives to this game.

D: Okay, whatever, but can we please move on?

B: Just, you guys have to take this seriously. You can’t win just by being dealt a full house or something, there’s actual strategy to it.

A: What about a royal flush? ‘Cause I’ve got like half of one here in –

C: interrupting A! Stop giving away your cards!

D: Yeah A, how about you just shut up until C tells you to do something.

A: gestures zipping lips

B: Alright. Your turn, I believe, C?

C: Pass.

A: …what?

B: What now?

A: Just, I don’t understand.

C: I said, “Pass.”

A: Yeah, but what….

C: I dunno, just pass!

A: It’s a transitive verb.

D: I definitely just told you to be quiet.

A: Until C told me to do something. Which s/he just did.

C: No, I didn’t…

A: You were using the imperative form.

C: What –

B: Okay, okay. C passes. D?

D: Sorry, what did you say before? It slipped my mind somehow. glaring at A

B: I said 2 clubs.

A: I still don’t have it. Keep fishing.

D: Alright then, 2 no-trump.

A: Bullshit.

D: Um, sorry?

A: I doubt it. What kind of card is a no-trump, anyway? Come on, lay ‘em down.

D: No… just… no…

C: Well it’s your turn to bid now, okay? Remember, I passed.

A: after a moment Hit me.

D: Gladly.

C: Now, now, sit down – A, this isn’t poker. Besides there aren’t any more cards to give you.

A: another moment passes. A knocks on the table decisively and turns expectantly to B.

B: What?

A: knocks again on the table, harder.

B: …What?

A: knocking as s/he pronounces each syllable. I am done with my turn.

C: A, sweetie, it isn’t Gin Rummy either. You don’t have to knock. Now, do you mean that you pass?

A: gradually sticks out his/her tongue

C: … Are you okay?

A: speaking with tongue out I just realized I have four fives. Shh…

D: Oh dear God.

C: turns to D apologetically. Spoons.

D: Okaaay, A passes. B, what do you say?

B: 3 clubs.

A: offers him a card

B: What? No.

C: Hey, hold on to that! It might be useful later.

B: Just don’t. A withdraws his hand, disappointed.

A: Alright, whatever. Do whatever you want as long as you don’t pass go.

D: What! That’s not even a card game.

C: Well, I pass, anyway.

A: Aha! Check.

D: Well, you know what! Tic-tac-toe! You sunk my battleship, Old Maid, triple word score, bananas, paper covers rock! 1-2-3 war! Uno! Professor Plum, in the mother-fucking library, with the mother-fucking wrench. Spit, ante up, and draw 4! Okay, can we PLEASE move on?

A: conspiratorially, to B. Well. I think we know who the real Old Maid is... Anyway, if you’re going to pass, I’ll say 4 hearts. That’s enough for a game, I believe? Now that means you lead, B, and C, you’ll be the dummy. Is everyone ready? Let’s begin.

B, C, and D gradually stand up and leave silently. A shrugs, takes the deck of cards, and begins dealing him/herself out a game of Solitaire.

CURTAIN.