It’s a small coffee shop and it is quiet for it is empty except for a woman. The characters only say what they are thinking. The woman is bored and tired of the work she must get done. She looks at the audience.
Woman: (Sigh) Me.
The woman repeats only “Me” as she looks at the pieces of work she has in front of her, but not at a constant rate, at a random rate. Then, a man enters the coffee shop, saying “Me” as he carries his work as well. As he enters, the woman and man look at each other at the same time and say the same thing at the same time as well.
Man: Her.
Woman: Him.
The woman blushes and quickly looks down. The man quickly looks elsewhere as well and whistles as he glances in random directions. He then realizes he is standing around like an idiot so he sits in the table to the right of the woman’s table and sits down where his back is facing her back. The man and woman act nervous, figeting constantly. As the man takes a spoon and studies his reflection, the woman pulls out a compact mirror and studies her reflection. They both frown at what they see.
Woman: My hair!
Man: My hair!
Woman: My zit!
As the woman attempts to pop the zit on her forehead, the man looks down at his pants.
Man: My fly!
Woman: No makeup!
Man looks back at woman but quickly turns back.
Man: No ring.
Woman does the exact same thing.
Woman: No ring.
Man and woman smell their breath.
Man: Eggs.
Woman: Onion bagel!
Man smells pit.
Man: Dog
Man smells again.
Man: Wet dog.
The woman observes her clothing as the man wipes his pits with napkins.
Woman: 60 year old grandma.
She looks again.
Woman: 70.
The man and woman stop figeting and realize that the other person probable doesn’t even no they exist. They stand up to leave at the same time but don’t realize it because they are still back to back.
Man: Dumb.
Woman: Stupid.
They turn to find themselves face to face.
Man: Her eyes.
Woman: His hair.
Man: Her smile.
They pause.
Man/Woman: You.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
This is madness!
There is a box of doughnuts in the middle of the stage. The entire cast enters, grouped by grade level. People are carrying makeshift swords and shields. The different grades roar and scream at each other. Epic battle ensues. The roaring continues throughout. Someone runs around with an opponent over their shoulder. Everyone is trying to get to the doughnut box. Eventually it comes down to two warriors. The victor stabs his opponent who screams and convulses. The victor then grabs the box of doughnuts- rips one out and holds it above his/her head. Staring at the doughnut the winner screams in the style of “300”,
Victor: “THIS IS AD-MOD!”
Victor: “THIS IS AD-MOD!”
The Fruit of Knowledge
Kid 1: So we’ve got Adam and Eve.
Kid 2: Uh-huh.
Kid 1: And their chilling in the garden of Eden.
Kid 2: right.
Kid 1: (makes snake motions with his hands) So the snake comes up to innocent Eve and is like – “Hey! Produce of knowledge! If you eat this apple you can know what G-d knows!”
Kid 2: Right.
Kid 1: Except it’s a crappy deal because all they find out is
One. That they get to die!
Two. That they are different genders and want each other in an upsettingly incestuous way
Kid 2: Yeah. Pretty much. Except you know, it couldn’t be an apple.
Speaker 1: What do you mean?
Speaker 2: Well. This story is from the bible, right? We’re talking about Ancient Mesopotamia or at least around there. They didn’t have apple trees. The original myth probably had a fig.
Speaker 1: A fig.
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: The fruit of knowledge is a fig?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Like fig Newtons?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Eve sacrificed paradise for a fig? Not even an apple which is at least mildly ascetically pleasing. You know shiny and round and crimson or yellow, sort of sexy as fruit goes- but a fig- this weird
Speaker 2: Yup.
Speaker 1: Well that sucks.
Kid 2: Uh-huh.
Kid 1: And their chilling in the garden of Eden.
Kid 2: right.
Kid 1: (makes snake motions with his hands) So the snake comes up to innocent Eve and is like – “Hey! Produce of knowledge! If you eat this apple you can know what G-d knows!”
Kid 2: Right.
Kid 1: Except it’s a crappy deal because all they find out is
One. That they get to die!
Two. That they are different genders and want each other in an upsettingly incestuous way
Kid 2: Yeah. Pretty much. Except you know, it couldn’t be an apple.
Speaker 1: What do you mean?
Speaker 2: Well. This story is from the bible, right? We’re talking about Ancient Mesopotamia or at least around there. They didn’t have apple trees. The original myth probably had a fig.
Speaker 1: A fig.
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: The fruit of knowledge is a fig?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Like fig Newtons?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Eve sacrificed paradise for a fig? Not even an apple which is at least mildly ascetically pleasing. You know shiny and round and crimson or yellow, sort of sexy as fruit goes- but a fig- this weird
Speaker 2: Yup.
Speaker 1: Well that sucks.
Vacations of Mortality
Narrator: (step forward) Southern Florida. Where Puerto Ricans come to live and rich Caucasians go to die.
Enter four girls wearing big sunglasses and brightly colored beach outfits. They all strike poses looking pleased with themselves
Girl 1: Hey that’s my shirt!
Girl 2: Are you serious? I’ve had this shirt since I was six!
Girl 3: You must have been a really…developed 6 year old.
Girl 1: (to Girl 2) Ha! She agrees with me
Girl 3: No. No. I was just noticing…
Girl 4: Oh god guys, shut up.
(Elderly woman enters. Girls immediately pose like choir girls)
All Girls : Hi grandma!
Grandma: Want some cookies?
Narrator: ((Everyone freezes and the narrator steps picking up the cookies) Expiration date… Feb. 1993 (pats grandma) Expiration date…soon
Girl 1: (Everyone unfreezes- grandma hobbles around mumbling- the girls pose again)This house smells like death.
Other Girls: Shhhhh!
Girl 1: They can’t hear me anyways!
Girl 2: (picks up cookies) Why doesn’t grandma ever throw anything out?
Other Girls: (shrug) eh.
Girl 3: It helps with our beach diets! (They all pose clutching their stomachs)
Narrator: (Girls unmoving) If you remembered Germany 1943 you might not throw out cookies either. If you remembered a time when even 15 year old cookies were a delicacy you would keep old Fig Newtons. If there was a time when people threw stones at your back because you were Jewish, if you had almost been denied passage to America because of your terrible eyesight, if any of these images survived in your mind, rising like the wafting smell of ink off a fresh pressed newspaper- then you might keep the cookies.
(narrator step back. Grandma enters carrying an especially large box. Topples over)
Girl 2: (Takes off sunglasses) Grandma. Let me help you. (Other girls come over to help)
Grandma: (kisses Girls 2 on the cheek and then pats her head) Thank you Fanny. (Hobbles away)
Girl 2: That’s my mom’s name.
To be old is a terrible, terrible thing.
Girls: To be old is a terrible, terrible thing. (Link arms and walk off)
Enter four girls wearing big sunglasses and brightly colored beach outfits. They all strike poses looking pleased with themselves
Girl 1: Hey that’s my shirt!
Girl 2: Are you serious? I’ve had this shirt since I was six!
Girl 3: You must have been a really…developed 6 year old.
Girl 1: (to Girl 2) Ha! She agrees with me
Girl 3: No. No. I was just noticing…
Girl 4: Oh god guys, shut up.
(Elderly woman enters. Girls immediately pose like choir girls)
All Girls : Hi grandma!
Grandma: Want some cookies?
Narrator: ((Everyone freezes and the narrator steps picking up the cookies) Expiration date… Feb. 1993 (pats grandma) Expiration date…soon
Girl 1: (Everyone unfreezes- grandma hobbles around mumbling- the girls pose again)This house smells like death.
Other Girls: Shhhhh!
Girl 1: They can’t hear me anyways!
Girl 2: (picks up cookies) Why doesn’t grandma ever throw anything out?
Other Girls: (shrug) eh.
Girl 3: It helps with our beach diets! (They all pose clutching their stomachs)
Narrator: (Girls unmoving) If you remembered Germany 1943 you might not throw out cookies either. If you remembered a time when even 15 year old cookies were a delicacy you would keep old Fig Newtons. If there was a time when people threw stones at your back because you were Jewish, if you had almost been denied passage to America because of your terrible eyesight, if any of these images survived in your mind, rising like the wafting smell of ink off a fresh pressed newspaper- then you might keep the cookies.
(narrator step back. Grandma enters carrying an especially large box. Topples over)
Girl 2: (Takes off sunglasses) Grandma. Let me help you. (Other girls come over to help)
Grandma: (kisses Girls 2 on the cheek and then pats her head) Thank you Fanny. (Hobbles away)
Girl 2: That’s my mom’s name.
To be old is a terrible, terrible thing.
Girls: To be old is a terrible, terrible thing. (Link arms and walk off)
Knight's Glorious Death
(two knights fight with swords)
Knights: Hya!!!! (keeps making fighting sounds while Sword fighting)
(after a while)
1st knight: Well, I’m tired of this.
2nd knight: Do you want ot end this?
1st knight: Well, I’m not a quitter.
2nd knight: Give me a yes or no. Do you want to end this?? (annoyed)
1st knight: Well, we’ve been fighting for a while…
2nd knight: We’re going to be here even longer if you don’t answer.
1st knight: Fine.
2nd knight: That’s a yes.
1st knight: Sure, why not; let me go to sleep.
2nd knight: Okay.
(2nd knight pulls gun out and shoots 1st knight, 1st knight falls to floor)
2nd knight: He’s finally at rest… That was annoying…
CURTAIN
Knights: Hya!!!! (keeps making fighting sounds while Sword fighting)
(after a while)
1st knight: Well, I’m tired of this.
2nd knight: Do you want ot end this?
1st knight: Well, I’m not a quitter.
2nd knight: Give me a yes or no. Do you want to end this?? (annoyed)
1st knight: Well, we’ve been fighting for a while…
2nd knight: We’re going to be here even longer if you don’t answer.
1st knight: Fine.
2nd knight: That’s a yes.
1st knight: Sure, why not; let me go to sleep.
2nd knight: Okay.
(2nd knight pulls gun out and shoots 1st knight, 1st knight falls to floor)
2nd knight: He’s finally at rest… That was annoying…
CURTAIN
2 Minutes of amazing play writing
Teacher:
Billy you are so terrible at school when will you ever get better; you get nothing but c’s and d’s. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
(Mute child) Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
Teacher:
Your grades are so bad I may have to speak to your mother by making a phone call home.
(Long pause)
Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
Teacher:
Imp very infuriated with your academic performance. What is wrong with you?
(Still no response from the boy)
Narrator:
Years of this strange behavior continued and teachers and Billy’s call mates began to call him dumb and stupid. They would taunt him in the hall and throw things at him during lunch.
Fear built up inside of the young boy. He thought to himself; why can I not talk, why am I so dumb?
One day when Billy was a senior in high school his English teacher called him into his office
English teacher:
Billy your academic performance has been sub par over this quarter. What can we do to change this?
Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
English teacher:
Billy please try to share your feelings vocally.
Billy:
Billy writes on a piece of paper “I cant sir.”
English teacher:
Yes you can son, just open your mouth and talk.
Narrator:
And so the boy talked for the first time in his life. His ideas and feelings came rushing out from within. The English teacher the next day assigned a creative writing piece and Billy was excited. His feelings ran smoothly on the keyboard. Five days later he got a call from the English teacher.
English teacher:
Hello? Is Billy there? Imp calling to inform you that you received a 95 on you last paper.
Narrator:
And so the journey begins Billy goes to a small liberal arts college in the country and becomes a children’s book writer in Scandinavia. If it weren’t for his English teacher he new would have accomplished his goals.
Billy you are so terrible at school when will you ever get better; you get nothing but c’s and d’s. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
(Mute child) Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
Teacher:
Your grades are so bad I may have to speak to your mother by making a phone call home.
(Long pause)
Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
Teacher:
Imp very infuriated with your academic performance. What is wrong with you?
(Still no response from the boy)
Narrator:
Years of this strange behavior continued and teachers and Billy’s call mates began to call him dumb and stupid. They would taunt him in the hall and throw things at him during lunch.
Fear built up inside of the young boy. He thought to himself; why can I not talk, why am I so dumb?
One day when Billy was a senior in high school his English teacher called him into his office
English teacher:
Billy your academic performance has been sub par over this quarter. What can we do to change this?
Billy:
Shrugs his shoulders and makes no eye contact
English teacher:
Billy please try to share your feelings vocally.
Billy:
Billy writes on a piece of paper “I cant sir.”
English teacher:
Yes you can son, just open your mouth and talk.
Narrator:
And so the boy talked for the first time in his life. His ideas and feelings came rushing out from within. The English teacher the next day assigned a creative writing piece and Billy was excited. His feelings ran smoothly on the keyboard. Five days later he got a call from the English teacher.
English teacher:
Hello? Is Billy there? Imp calling to inform you that you received a 95 on you last paper.
Narrator:
And so the journey begins Billy goes to a small liberal arts college in the country and becomes a children’s book writer in Scandinavia. If it weren’t for his English teacher he new would have accomplished his goals.
A War Story
Actors: 8 (Jackson, Paula, and six others)
Scenario: Jackson, a soldier who has just returned from being at war for a year, is with his girlfriend, Paula at his house. They are on the couch, and Jackson is describing a war story to Paula. As he describes it, other actors are enacting his story.
Note: It doesn’t really matter what gender the actors are except for Jackson, Paula and Sean, which is why in some places it says “they” or ”them” instead of “him” or “her”.
At the start, Jackson and Paula are sitting on a couch, center-stage.
Paula: My God! That doesn’t even seem possible!
Jackson: I know! I really have a hard time replaying it in my mind.
Paula: Well, I don’t want to make you relive these awful times. Please, let’s just do something else.
Jackson: Paula, really, it’s fine. We’ve lost so much history from soldiers who haven’t passed on their stories. I just want to pass on history.
Paula: Well if you’re absolutely sure. I will always respect your opinion.
Jackson: Don’t worry about it, Babe. So, after I saw something from the sky and hit the ground (an actor enters from stage-left slowly spinning with their arms out before finally landing center-stage in front of the couch and falling), I ran over to it because I had no idea what had just fallen! (Another actor enters from stage-right and runs over to center-stage). I realized it was someone from my rank, and I helped them up. I put their arm around my shoulder, and helped ‘em walk back to the jeep. (The actors act this out and exit stage-left)
Paula: What happened to them? Were they badly hurt? How did they manage to stand up after flying through the air!?
Jackson: Well, somehow they managed to survive being hurled through the air by a roadside bomb. Luckily they weren’t too close to it! After I saw to it that they were going to be okay, I returned to the line of fire to aid my comrades. We were lying on the ground behind a small hill, out of the enemy’s sightline. (Four new actors, two from each side of the stage, enter and meet in the middle. They all get down on their stomachs and pretend to hold up army rifles facing the audience). I looked to my left (actor second from the right from the audience’s perspective looks to his left) and saw that the private next to me wasn’t fully covered by the hill, and I started to tell them to get covered when they were shot in the leg. (The actors enact this). I rolled them over on their back towards me to tend to their wound whenI noticed two enemies approaching (two new actors reveal themselves from the audience and run towards the other actors with guns), so I yelled to the privates next to me to watch out and take care of them.
Paula: Did your comrades kill them?
Jackson: Yup, first shot from each. (The enemy actors pretend to be shot in the chest and then stumble off to opposite sides of the stage).
Paula: But what happened to the wounded private?
Jackson: I told the one of the other two privates that were with me to take them back. (One of the actors from the stage-right side of the actors on the ground helps the wounded actor up, puts the wounded private’s arm over their shoulder, and helps them hobble off stage-left). At that point, the remaining private, Sean, and I advanced forward with other soldiers. (The remaining two actors circle around the couch, depicting a good amount of walking). We walked for a good amount of time before we heard a noise behind us. (The two actors should have ended up behind the couch). We saw it was a jeep coming fast for us, driven by Captain Chesterhaven. (The actors just look off to one side of the stage that is behind them. Another actor does not enter to portray the Captain). He was signaling for us to get in, so we ran off to him and got in the jeep (the actors run off to where they were looking).
Paula: And then?
Jackson: And that was it for that day. The ride back to camp was completely silent; I’m not sure why. I just thought about all that had happened that day.
Paula: Jackson, I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know what else to say other than ‘thank you’.
Jackson (smiling): Paula, you don’t have to say anything. Telling you about this is thanks enough.
Paula: I love you, Jackson.
Scenario: Jackson, a soldier who has just returned from being at war for a year, is with his girlfriend, Paula at his house. They are on the couch, and Jackson is describing a war story to Paula. As he describes it, other actors are enacting his story.
Note: It doesn’t really matter what gender the actors are except for Jackson, Paula and Sean, which is why in some places it says “they” or ”them” instead of “him” or “her”.
At the start, Jackson and Paula are sitting on a couch, center-stage.
Paula: My God! That doesn’t even seem possible!
Jackson: I know! I really have a hard time replaying it in my mind.
Paula: Well, I don’t want to make you relive these awful times. Please, let’s just do something else.
Jackson: Paula, really, it’s fine. We’ve lost so much history from soldiers who haven’t passed on their stories. I just want to pass on history.
Paula: Well if you’re absolutely sure. I will always respect your opinion.
Jackson: Don’t worry about it, Babe. So, after I saw something from the sky and hit the ground (an actor enters from stage-left slowly spinning with their arms out before finally landing center-stage in front of the couch and falling), I ran over to it because I had no idea what had just fallen! (Another actor enters from stage-right and runs over to center-stage). I realized it was someone from my rank, and I helped them up. I put their arm around my shoulder, and helped ‘em walk back to the jeep. (The actors act this out and exit stage-left)
Paula: What happened to them? Were they badly hurt? How did they manage to stand up after flying through the air!?
Jackson: Well, somehow they managed to survive being hurled through the air by a roadside bomb. Luckily they weren’t too close to it! After I saw to it that they were going to be okay, I returned to the line of fire to aid my comrades. We were lying on the ground behind a small hill, out of the enemy’s sightline. (Four new actors, two from each side of the stage, enter and meet in the middle. They all get down on their stomachs and pretend to hold up army rifles facing the audience). I looked to my left (actor second from the right from the audience’s perspective looks to his left) and saw that the private next to me wasn’t fully covered by the hill, and I started to tell them to get covered when they were shot in the leg. (The actors enact this). I rolled them over on their back towards me to tend to their wound whenI noticed two enemies approaching (two new actors reveal themselves from the audience and run towards the other actors with guns), so I yelled to the privates next to me to watch out and take care of them.
Paula: Did your comrades kill them?
Jackson: Yup, first shot from each. (The enemy actors pretend to be shot in the chest and then stumble off to opposite sides of the stage).
Paula: But what happened to the wounded private?
Jackson: I told the one of the other two privates that were with me to take them back. (One of the actors from the stage-right side of the actors on the ground helps the wounded actor up, puts the wounded private’s arm over their shoulder, and helps them hobble off stage-left). At that point, the remaining private, Sean, and I advanced forward with other soldiers. (The remaining two actors circle around the couch, depicting a good amount of walking). We walked for a good amount of time before we heard a noise behind us. (The two actors should have ended up behind the couch). We saw it was a jeep coming fast for us, driven by Captain Chesterhaven. (The actors just look off to one side of the stage that is behind them. Another actor does not enter to portray the Captain). He was signaling for us to get in, so we ran off to him and got in the jeep (the actors run off to where they were looking).
Paula: And then?
Jackson: And that was it for that day. The ride back to camp was completely silent; I’m not sure why. I just thought about all that had happened that day.
Paula: Jackson, I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know what else to say other than ‘thank you’.
Jackson (smiling): Paula, you don’t have to say anything. Telling you about this is thanks enough.
Paula: I love you, Jackson.
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